


Only the Good Die Young

by catholicorprotestant



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, I'm so sorry, It's so painful, Leukemia, M/M, Why must I hurt the ones I love?, alternating pov, established hanamaki, it's really super sad, sorry this idea came to me and I'm running with it, why am i like this?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-10-13 13:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 65,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10514601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catholicorprotestant/pseuds/catholicorprotestant
Summary: Oikawa has a secret. First was the awful bruises the volleyball placed on his forearms. Next was the bleeding. Finally he passes out at practice. All he wanted to do was keep it to himself and have it blow over. If only he was so lucky...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. Don't hate me. I hate myself. Oops. This is going to be a painful ride.

Tooru tugged at the sleeve of his jacket, sitting on the bench watching the rest of his team talking and getting ready for practice. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone today, the pit in his stomach wouldn’t leave. He had been playing volleyball since he was six years old. Never once had he gotten a bruise on his forearms from receiving. Mostly, the bruises came from diving and digging, occasionally colliding. But now they were both an ugly green and purple. He thought it would go away, thought he had just hit his arm on something not realizing it, but it was getting worse. It had been a week. Worse and worse. He’d tried covering it up by wearing warmers on his arms. Never once had he done that. His teammates didn’t ask. He didn’t tell them. Why would they ask? Two weeks. It had been two weeks and the bruises hadn’t even started to fade. He chewed his lip staring at the other boys. 

He felt the bench shift next to him signaling someone was there. There were eyes staring at him. Vibrations were being sent through the air while that primitive part of his brain regesterd the slight change in the air around him. He swallowed, not turning to see who it was. 

“What’s wrong?” The voice’s body nudged him. 

He bit his lip harder. The metallic taste of blood touched his tongue. He ran his tongue over his lip before he responded, planting his characteristic smile on his face. 

“Nothing, Iwa-chan,” he answered in a singsong voice. 

Hajime stared at him, green eyes burrowing into his soul. Tooru tried with all his might to smile and act calm, cool, and collected. He tried to push the worry that was rising in him away. Still, the unmistakable feeling that something was wrong, very wrong, was still nagging at him. 

“I’m not stupid,” Hajime rolled his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m just worried about the match is all,” he offered a smile. 

Hajime took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. For a second, Tooru thought he’d successfully gotten his friend to leave him alone. 

“How long have we known each other? How long have we been friends? How long have we been teammates?” Hajime paused. Tooru knew they were hypothetical questions. He focused his eyes on the ground. “You don’t get nervous for matches. I can tell when something’s wrong.”

“Iwa-chan…” Tooru inhaled slowly. “I don’t want to talk about it right now, okay? Please don’t press?”

“You promise to talk to me about it later?” Hajime frowned. 

Tooru nodded, plastering the smile that had now become so easy even in the hardest of times on his face. Hajime seemed satisfied with the answer. He stood up and walked toward the court. Tooru dug his hands in the pockets of his jacket. If only he could hide the bruises forever. 

“Oikawa, get your ass over here!” Hajime shouted across the gym. “We’re starting.”

Tooru licked his lips, cursing silently to himself when he still tasted blood. It shouldn’t be bleeding still. Practice was starting. The team was looking over at him expectantly. It was his job to get the practice started, was it not? A captain’s duties. He sucked on his lip for a moment, before slipping his jacket off. He jogged over, a smile on his face, calmly addressing his teammates instructing the warm up. The coaches eventually showed up, a practice game was started. 

He felt so strange, the same as he had the last few weeks. During practice, he’d start to feel faint. He pushed through, taking the time to drink some water whenever he could. He’d even started bringing protein bars to practice with him. Maybe he was just going through a growth spurt? It was ridiculous. He was eighteen. Why would he have growth spurt? The snacks weren’t helpful. Still he pushed. He couldn’t show them how he was feeling. Focusing all his energy on tossing the ball perfectly to his spikers. 

A wave of dizziness washed over him. The toss was short. Hajime still hit it, scoring a point before turning to criticize the toss, demand better, to demand what he knew Tooru could do. All annoyance left his face, melting into something of concern. Then everything was black.

********  
“Give him some air! Move back!”

Tooru blinked his eyes open. His head felt like it was spinning. Coach Mizoguchi was pushing a bottle of water to him. Everyone was around him, staring at him. Why was he on the ground? What happened? He remembered the toss, then Hajime’s face then…had he fainted?

“Did you hit your face?” 

“No, he fell to the side,” Hajime crossed his arms, his brows knit. 

“Your nose is bleeding.” 

The coach pushed a towel to him. He held it in place, drinking the water. They were asking him questions, but he didn’t want to answer. This was the first time he’d ever passed out. His heart was racing as adrenaline pulsed through his body. 

“Oikawa, answer me!” 

Tooru rubbed his eyes, giving a groggy answer to where he was and what had happened. How many fingers? Had he eaten? Was he feeling ill? 

“Should we call an ambulance?”

“He seems okay.”

He couldn’t pinpoint who was talking. It was all in the background of the mess spinning in his mind. What was wrong? Bruising, weakness, nose bleeds, fatigue. Two weeks. He hadn’t said anything. He didn’t want to worry his parents when it was probably nothing. But now he’d fainted. Something was wrong. He knew it. He could feel it. 

“Do you feel okay to get up?” The coach asked. 

Tooru nodded, standing up with some assistance of the coach and Hajime. Another wave of dizziness hit him. It was all he could do from falling against Hajime. His lip still tasted of blood. The buzzing of voices around him were making him feel overwhelmed. He closed his eyes, breathing slowly. 

“Iwaizumi, can you take him home?” 

“Yes, coach.”

“I’m fine,” Tooru protested. 

“Shut up, Tooru. You’re going home,” Hajime muttered. 

The walk home Hajime had his arm around him, half holding him up. There wasn’t a single word said between them. The other boy was holding both of their bags. It felt so strange feeling like this. He didn’t want to go to the doctor. He hated needles. The sterile smell of hospitals were so off putting and he hated the way they tried to paint the wall something other than white to make it feel nicer. Part of him was relieved that the coaches had thought better than to call an ambulance. 

He tried to turn his concentration to Hajime. The way he fits so perfectly against him, the way he could feel him breath against him. Everything was so perfect with this boy. At what point had he his feelings for his childhood best friend changed? It was comfortable. There wasn't the butterflies in the stomach feeling he'd gotten when he had crushes in the past. This was different. He pulled himself a little closer to Hajime, breathing him in. It was familiar: Soap, a hint of cologne, and heat. Hajime never smelled like sweat or dirty after practice, just...hot. It put Tooru's mind at ease. 

“Is this what was wrong?” Hajime finally asked, Tooru’s house just barely in the distance. 

“No.” Tooru lied. “I’m fine.”

“You passed out! You can barely hold yourself up. You need to go see a doctor, Oikawa. What the hell was Irihata-san and Mizoguchi-san thinking just sending you home?” Hajime ranted. 

“I’m fine,” Tooru insisted, pulling away from his friend. “See? I’m fine. Maybe I just overdid it?”

Hajime stared at him, a doubtful look on his face. He crossed his arms. Tooru braced himself. He wasn’t feeling much better, but he had to convince his Hajime that he was okay. 

“You’re lying to me.”

“I’m not.” Tooru sighed, crossing his arms. “I’m just tired.”

“You never say that.” 

“Well maybe for once I’m listening to you!” Tooru insisted. 

“Yeah right…” Hajime’s mouth twitched up in a smirk as he raised his eyebrow. “You haven’t listened to me about that unless I’m literally forcing you.” 

“Hajime, I’m _fine_.” He emphasized the word more to convince himself than the other boy. “Thank you for walking me home. I can make it from here.”

“You’re not going to invite me in?” That cute smirk again. 

“Do you want to come in, Iwa-chan?” Tooru mirrored the expression. 

“Sure, don’t mind if I do.” 

Tooru shook his head, a smile forming on his face as he watched Hajime waltz ahead of him toward the house. He followed slowly, his head still spinning. Hajime was waiting at the door for him to make his way up the sidewalk. He couldn’t move faster. He felt like the earth was spinning under his feet, but he made it, pushing the door open. 

“Tooru, are you alright?” 

His mother was holding his face in her hands the minute the boys had walked in the house. He hadn’t even had a chance to kick off his shoes or say word. He wanted to melt into his mom like he did when he was little and didn’t feel well. She used to give him the best snuggles. Usually these days she and his father were far too busy with work, and he was too old for such things. He was a man of eighteen now. 

“I’m fine, okaasan." He smiled.

“You’re so pale.” She frowned. She run her finger over his lip. “And you’re bleeding. Sweetheart, you look absolutely ill. Irihata-san saying you passed out during practice. Did you eat properly? Have you been drinking enough water? Did you work out too much?”

“I think I’m just tired,” he managed. 

“Hajime, thank you so much for walking him home. I have some sticky buns in the kitchen you can help yourself too,” she offered the boy a smile. 

“Thank obasan!” Hajime smiled politely. 

Tooru tried to move past his mother and follow Hajime. Instead she lead him to the couch, making him lie down. Before he knew what happened she was taking his temperature and a wet rag on his forehead. If it had been anyone else who’d walked him home, he would have been embarrassed, but it was just Hajime. They’d been best friends for years. Still, Tooru didn’t like the fact that Hajime could see it all happening. 

“I really think we need to talk you to the doctor…” His mother frowned. 

“I’m okay. Please. I just need some rest.” Tooru insisted. 

He felt like a child getting into trouble all over again when she finally sighed and nodded. He let out a sigh of relief. All he wanted to do was just sleep. Earlier he hadn’t realized how tired he was, but lying down on the couch, he felt the exhaustion setting in. 

“You’re staying home from school tomorrow. No practice. If you still look this bad tomorrow, I’m taking you to the doctor.” The tone in her voice left no room for argument. He nodded, curling into himself, squeezing his eyes shut. 

Hajime stayed for a short time. They talked a little, but mostly just watched television. At some point Tooru had fallen asleep because when he woke up, his father was home and the other boy was gone. A small blanket had been placed over him. His mother forced him to eat before ushering him up the stairs to get ready for bed. His limbs were so heavy, it felt like such an effort to move. When he finally found his bed, he felt as though he’d died and gone to heaven.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm so amazed this is being received so well? Thank you all so, so, so much! 
> 
> (Okay, so for this AU Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Matsun, and Maki are all in the same class.)

Distant sounds of the television downstairs made their way up to Tooru’s room. He hugged the blanket around him, groaning at how tired he still felt. His head was pounding. He blinked open his eyes, his heart jumping when he saw the blood on his pillow. In one fluid leap, he jumped from the bed and stared at the scene. He sighed with relief to see it was only a small amount. The mirror showed the blood on his face. Another nose bleed. He set his jaw, fighting back the urge to cry. A few deep breaths calmed him down.

He pulled the pillow case off, sneaking to the bathroom, hoping that whoever was home didn’t notice. He didn’t want to scare them. It was probably nothing. He’d been having them off and on. It was nothing. Just stress or maybe the dryness in the air. It was nothing to be alarmed over. He’d just wash the blood off the fabric and put in the wash without anyone knowing. 

Today was going to be hard. Why was someone home? It had been years since his parents had stayed home from work when they kept him from school. Maybe they didn’t trust him not to sneak off.

He loved school, loved to learn. He was popular, had a lot of friends - or at least people he considered to be his friends, even though they didn’t talk outside of school. Girls flirted with him and payed attention to him, hanging on his every word. It made him feel important when he otherwise felt ignored. There was volleyball to look forward to every day. Lunch with Iwa-chan, Matsun, and Maki. At school, Tooru felt liked, loved.

Home was usually empty, being told to calm down. He was being too loud. Go outside. Go study. He was brushed off. He loved getting attention from his parents, but he’d come to learn not to expect much. He’d been born so long after his brother that the family had already been ready to move on. Part of him felt like a burden. His parents were older. They didn’t have the energy.

Maybe…maybe they knew he liked school more than home. His mother had been so adamant that he stay home.

He looked at himself in the mirror with the harsh bathroom lights rather than the dimness of his room. His reflection made him feel sicker. His eyes had sunken in. He was paler than yesterday. His lips were chapped, the place he’d broken the skin the day before was swollen and scabbed. He took a deep breath and washed his face off before working on the pillowcase. His stomach twisted at the brown tinted water spilled from the soiled linen.

Tooru made his way downstairs slowly. His head was starting to spin. He needed food and some water. The sound of the television grew louder as he got closer. He recognized the sound of the drama his mother loved. He didn’t know if he could sneak past her. With the pillowcase gripped tightly behind his back he made his way toward the washer.

“Tooru! Good morning. Are you feeling okay?”

His mother muted the television and almost rushed across the room, a worried expression on her face. He cursed to himself and plastered the smile on his face.

“Much better! I just need to eat something.”

“You look awful, Tooru…” She frowned.

“No, I’m great. I promise. I just need to eat.”

“You’re going to the doctor. I already made the appointment.” She pulled him into a hug.

“Mom, I promise. I’m okay.”

He hugged her with his free arm, pulling away, his smile never leaving his face. She studied him with a worried expression that made her look older than she was. Tooru couldn’t help but notice the lines in her skin, the silver near her temples. It made him feel overwhelmed and he found himself unable to keep the tears from pooling his eyes. He moved his gaze and blinked away the tears.

“You’re going to the doctor.”

“Okay,” Tooru sighed. He just needed to get away and to the laundry.

“What is this?” She took his face. “Are you bleeding?”

“It’s nothing. Just a nose bleed is all,” Tooru inched away.

“What are you hiding?”

“Nothing! Just wanted to wash this!” He let out a soft laugh. It was no use. He’d been found out.

His mother frowned, but let it go. He let out a sigh and went about his business. Threw the pillow case in the washer with some of the laundry that needed to be done. He felt dizzy from the repeated motion of leaning down and standing up.

His mother was back in the living room on the sofa watching her show again much to Tooru’s relief.

He walked to the kitchen and prepared himself something to eat. He didn’t have much of an appetite lately, but he knew he needed the nutrition. He forced himself to eat the food despite the way it made him feel uncomfortable. Tooru could feel the way his mother kept glancing over at him, almost like she was making sure he was eating.

Finally he was finished. He set his plate in the sink and made his way up to his room to get dressed for the doctor’s appointment. By the top step he felt so out of breath, his vision was started to cloud. He closed his eyes, leaning against the wall hoping that his mother couldn’t see him. It didn’t make any sense why he’d be winding going up the stairs. He was an athlete. It was unnerving. He didn’t want to go to the doctor, but maybe it was for the best. At the very least it could ease his anxiety and he could tell everyone he was fine, just overworked and exhausted.

He dressed quickly, smiling when his phone went off. He picked it up to see texts from Hajime, Matsun, and Maki all asking him how he was feeling, with a few lewd jokes thrown in while they had been pestering him. He texted them with the update and laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, thinking. Everything would be just fine.

*******  
The doctor’s office smelled of antiseptic soap and a weird air freshener. There were plants around the room to liven the place up. A few people were wearing masks and kept coughing. He wanted to move far away from them, but his mother pinched his arm just as he was about to get up.

“Behave, Tooru,” she warned.

He winced, rubbing his arm. There was going to be yet another bruise; he just knew it. Tooru had never liked doctor’s offices. Even as a kid when he’d get a lollipop at the end of the visit if he was good, he hated it. Everything dirty despite the sterile smell. There was always the looming possibility of shots and blood draws, and he had a phobia of needles. His mother wanted him to sit still and be patient, but how could he when he knew was just beyond that door?

His breath hitched as his name was called. He and his mother made their way back to the office where got a set of vitals and his weight, before leaving him and his mother alone in the room. Tooru squirmed as he sat on the exam table, his eyes running over all the equipment. He shivered at the thought of the cold metal of the stethoscope on his skin. What if they made him get a shot? He chewed his lip.

“What is wrong with you?” His mother sighed.

“I don’t like the doctor. It makes me nervous.” Tooru frowned.

“Still?” He nodded. His mother sighed. “You’re eighteen.” He shrugged again. “If you behave, I’ll get you some milk bread after this okay?”

He set a grin in her direction with a nod. It was the same bribe she’d used since he was little. Luckily he didn’t get sick much anymore, and his yearly physical was now done at school by a doctor Seijoh called in for the day at the beginning of the year. He didn’t have to enter the world of needles, germs, and antiseptic.

Tooru’s heart leapt when the doctor walked in. One look from his mother and he put on his winning smile and greeted him respectfully.

First the doctor asked what was going on. Tooru focused his eyes away from his mother as he listed everything that was going on. He was going to be as truthful as possible because there was no way he was coming back here again if he could help it. No way. The man frowned at the list of symptoms that Tooru felt was taking forever for him to go over. He could feel his mother’s eyes boring into him as the list continued, and finally when he answered that he’d been experiencing it for two to three weeks, he could almost feel her pinch him. Tooru answered the doctor’s questions, wringing his hands to keep the anxiety from building. Then there was the dreaded exam.

The exam went better than expected despite his anxiety. The stethoscope wasn’t as cold this time and getting his ears, nose and throat checked were a bit easier than he remembered. He didn’t really appreciate when the doctor started feeling his throat and under his arms, his lymph nodes is what the doctor said. It didn’t make sense why they were checking those. He’d never had that happen in the past, but the temptation of milk bread and the threat of his mother’s pinches kept him from squirming too much.

“I’m going to order some blood work to be done.” The man stepped back and started logging into the computer. “The nurse will come into take the sample in just a moment.”

Tooru tensed, biting his cheeks. That was the last thing he wanted. Blood work meant needles and he hated needles. He pulled his legs up onto the exam table, flinching in anticipation of his mother’s sharp glare. Much to his surprise, she was wringing her hands, staring at the floor.

“What do you think is wrong?” she asked, her voice low.

“Just routine blood work,” he smiled.

“Doctor, please, I’m worried.”

“It’s just a precaution.” He smiled.

“Do you think it’s a virus or something? Something is obviously wrong. Is there anything else?” Her eyebrows were knitted in worry.

“Oikawa-san, I am not able to make a diagnosis until I have the bloodwork.” He offered her a tight smile before stepping out of the room.

Tooru stared at her, watching her as she wrung her hands. She set her jaw and focused her eyes on the wall. Her eyes were glossy with tears.

“It’s okay, Mom,” he smiled, even though her reaction was making him even more nervous.

“You hate needles…” she mumbled.

“I’m eighteen! I’ll be fine!” He smiled wider hoping to be more convincing.

She stood up and walked over to him, taking his face in her hands. “I love you, Tooru. I love you so much.”

“I know,” he pulled her into a hug. “I love you too.”

“I’m worried about you. Please don’t you ever keep things like this from me again.”

“I promise.”

“I love you. I want you to know that.” She smiled, and kissed his cheek.

Tooru couldn’t help be feel unsettled by everything. His mother was never like this. His whole life she was always such a strong woman. She was never this shaken. She looked so much older when she was worried. Worry lines exaggerated the wrinkles on her forehead. Seeing her like this made him want to be strong for her. The exchange between the doctor and his mother had been so strange.

For her, he hid the terror he felt when the nurse came in with a the tray of supplies. He tried his hardest to keep the smile on his face and speak politely with the woman as she tied the rubber band to her upper arm and had him squeeze a small ball in his fist. He couldn’t help but bite his lip, close his eyes, and flinch when started to the stick. He counted slowly in his head trying to calm himself. He didn’t want to worry his mother. He was eighteen. He was acting like a child. He needed to grow up.

“All done. We’ll have the results later today.” She smiled and walked out of the room.

********  
The afternoon went better after the appointment. His mother had decided to take him out for lunch, and he was able to get anything he wanted. They talked a lot. Most of his life his parents had worked a lot. They never really had days like this, so Tooru had learned to cherish these moments. Little else was better than sitting outside on a nice warm day talking to his mom about his life. He told her about volleyball, the latest thing he and Hajime were doing, how excited he was to graduate and start college. He was worried though, about leaving his friends and Miyagi, and everything he knew behind. Hajime had already decided not to continue volleyball after high school and the thought was nerve wracking. He didn’t know how they’d manage, but his mother assured him things were going well.

“Do you still like space, Tooru?” she asked licking, her ice cream cone.

“Yes!” He beamed. “Very much. I got Iwa-chan to watch a new documentary with me!”

“That’s really nice. It’s been a while since we’ve talked like this. I feel like I’ve been missing out on a lot of things.” She squirmed. “I’m thinking maybe I should retire. What do you think? I’d like to spend more time with you. It seems like I’ve blinked and you’re all grown up.”

“You love your job,” Tooru frowned. “I would like to have more time with you, but honestly, I want you to be happy. Do what makes you happy, Mom.”

Tooru was feeling much better after lunch, so they opted to walk home, his mother hugging his arm the entire way. The last two days had made him realize how much taller he’d grown. She now came up almost to his shoulder. It seemed like only yesterday he was a little kid staring up at her talking to her about aliens and stars.

When they reached home, Tooru was starting to feel tired and slightly out of breath, but he tried hard to keep it from her. He sat down on the couch flipping on the television to the sci-fi channel, curling up with a pillow. The phone rang. He heard his mother answer. Suddenly the sound of glass breaking split through the air causing him to jump.

“Yes. I understand. Thank you.” His mother had her back to him, the glass of water she’d been holding was shattered at her feet. Tooru tried to stand up, but a wave if dizziness washed through his head and he fell back to the couch.

“Mom…are you okay?” he asked softly when she hung up the phone.

“Tooru…I need to call your father. Do you mind cleaning this up for me? I’ll be upstairs.” Her voice sounded hollow.

“Yeah, okay,” he smiled standing up more slowly this time.

“I love you, Tooru.” She hugged him before rushing off to her room.

He cleaned up the glass and water carefully, wondering what the news was. Was everything okay? Had something happened to one of his siblings? Was Takeru okay? He turned the TV off and went upstairs to lie down and talk to Hajime while he watched TV there. He felt so tired even with the adrenaline from what had just happened.

He’d lost track of time, but he must have fallen asleep. The light coming in his window was much dimmer than when he first come up. The television was tuned to the sci-fi channel. His phone had missed calls and texts from Hajime. He turned over and rubbed his eyes. His door cracked open just a bit.

“Tooru?” His mother peaked in.

“Come in,” he smiled.

“Tooru, your father and I need to talk to you.”

********  
The CT scan was loud and claustrophobic. The worst part was he had to stay completely still while they did exam. His stomach was tying knots as he stared up at the white top of the machine’s tube. How long he been here? He wasn’t sure. Part of him wanted it to hurry, but a much bigger part him wanted to never leave the safety of the tunnel.

This was his stop of three today. Last night his parents told him the news that his blood work had come back extremely abnormal, and the doctor was worried he could be very sick. They wouldn’t answer him on the question of how sick. They just stared at him with teary eyes and forced smiles telling him they loved him. He’d talked to Hajime afterward to clear his head so he could fall asleep, leaving out the parts about him maybe being sick. He didn’t want to worry him even if it was nothing. Hajime worried about him. He knew he did, even if the boy firmly denied it every chance he got.

The next stop was a sterile exam room where he’d have to deal with even more needles. He already had the IV in his hand. Next they were going to do a bone marrow biopsy and a spinal tap. He wasn’t looking forward to it. He felt like crying. This was all so much.

“Okay, we’re all done.” The tech smiled, pulling him out and helping him off the table.

Tooru thanked him, slipping out to the hallway only to be led into another room for the next two procedures. The size of the instruments on the table made him shiver. One of them he swore was about as big around as his pinky finger. His body already ached at the thought of them sticking that into him. He closed his eyes and tried to pretend it wasn’t there, tried to picture his friends or the team, or just anything really to get his mind off of it. His eyes kept being drawn back to the table. He was trembling by the time doctor came in to do perform the procedures, tears threatening in his eyes. His heart was racing, and he felt like he was going to throw up from the stress. He could already feel the perspiration on his skin.

He was offered a mild sedative for the procedures to help him relax which he gladly accepted. It felt so strange getting fluids through the IV. His hand and arm felt cold when the medicine was going in. He could feel it rushing in the vein making him shudder. Within a few minutes, he could feel himself getting more and more relaxed as the drug kicked in. His eyelids were blinking slowly as he laid on his side.

“I’m going to do the bone marrow first. We’re going to use a little bit of local anesthetic for pain. Just relax.” The doctor instructed.

Tooru hugged the pillow tightly as they injected him with whatever it was they were using to numb him. It felt like a bee sting. He took deep breaths trying hard to stay calm. They’d told him they could be quick if he relaxed and let them do what they needed to do, but it was so hard to stay still when he knew they were going to stick those needles in him.

“Okay, just a little bit of pressure.”

He inhaled sharply and let out a squeak followed by a whimper as he felt the huge needle sink into his hip. It wasn’t pressure. It was pain. He tried to stay calm. The medication was helping, but he still was on edge. It still felt like his muscles were being ripped apart, and he was sure the bone was breaking. Tears slipped down his cheeks. He couldn’t take it, couldn’t hold back. It felt good to let it out. He turned his face into the pillow to hide it. It wasn’t really acceptable for an eighteen year old male to be making such a fuss.

“Good. We’re done. For this next one, I need you to curl forward like a fetal position. And you’re going to need to be _very_ still.”

Tooru nodded, wiping the tears off his face. He just needed to be strong enough to do this one last test and then he could go home and watch X-Files. Hajime was going to come over and they were going to do homework together and then binge watch it. Tooru could always trick his best friend into watching what he wanted. Very rarely did Hajime or any of their friends ever win against him in the battle for control of the TV. He tried hard to focus on that.

He hissed when he felt the needle in his back. He fought the urge to flinch. Everyone of his instincts were screaming at him to move, to jump up and run. It took every bit of strength in him to stay still. There was something in his back, in his spine. He couldn’t move. It’d mess up everything. He squeezed the pillow tighter still. His heart was racing as the adrenaline pumped through is body. What if him moved accidentally? Was breathing okay? Would that be dangerous? He tried to hold his breath, but didn’t last long. He needed to get his mind off what was going on.

Hajime. Homework. X-Files. Maybe he could trick the boy into letting him cuddle with him. He loved cuddling with him. Most of the time Hajime just leaned back and let Tooru do what he wanted. Tooru felt safe, happy, warm. He’d get out of here and let Hajime comfort him when he got back. He could do this. He could manage.

Finally the procedure was over. All the tests were done. He was allowed to get dressed and meet his parents and the doctors in a meeting room. He winced as he put weight on his hip. The bone ached. Everything hurt, but he pushed himself. He wasn’t a stranger to pain. Last year when he’d hurt his knee, he was able to walk as soon as the doctor told him it was okay. He knew it was good for it to heal. What was it his doctor had told him last year? Something about how some weight baring helping with the healing process, but it was important to also not overdo it. And he’d definitely not let anyone realize how much it hurt because he didn’t want to worry anyone. He’d just have to do the same.

Three days.

Three days until the tests came back. Three days before he could tell everyone he was okay. Tooru knew he could do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment! ♥♥♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer than the first update. I've been kind of busy! I appreciate each and everyone of you. You're so amazing. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Monday.

It had been three days.

The first two days after the tests, Tooru hadn’t thought too much about it. He knew he was okay and everything would come back normal. He probably just had a virus Despite his parents’ protests, he had gone to practice, though he hadn’t pushed himself like he usually did; not that Hajime and the coaches would let him. It was frustrating. Soon they were going to have that practice match and he had to be in his best shape.

When he’d woken up that morning, his stomach was queasy and his heart threatened to jump out of his chest. The results would be in today. At three when classes got out, his parents would pick him up and they would meet with the doctor to discuss the results. His thoughts were covered in fog. He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t even imagine what the possibilities were, just that in nine hours he was going to be back in a room with doctors and the disgusting smell of antiseptic.

He dressed slowly. Every movement took energy. His muscles were tight, and his hip still hurt. Maybe he shouldn’t have gone to practice so soon after getting a gigantic needle pushed into his bone. But it was more than that. _His bones ached._ Every single one of them. His legs, his arms. A deep ache bore into the core of his body. Had he hurt himself? It was unlike anything he’d felt before. He wracked his head, thinking of all the sports injuries he’d had over the last twelve years, but failed to come up with a single time he’d ever felt aching in his bones. Sore muscles, sure. Aching joints, of course. He wasn’t a stranger to sprains. But this…this was strange.

Tooru tried to brush it off, walking down the stairs. Usually Hajime met him at his house to walk together. He didn’t feel like eating, so he would mix it up a bit and go to Hajime's house instead with the extra time. He’d spent and eternity on getting dressed. He should just walk over to his best friend’s house and wait for him. Hajime would make him feel better. He’d make his head clear as the two joked with each other and poked fun. All he needed was a good laugh.

“Tooru, I made you breakfast. Come sit down and eat,” his mother called to him as he slipped on his shoes.

“I’m not really hungry,” Tooru let out a soft laugh. The way his stomach flipped and twisted didn’t welcome anything. The thought of food was enough to make him gag. “I’ll grab something at school.”

“I will not have you eating food from a vending machine for breakfast.” She crossed her arms.

“Iwa-chan does it…” Tooru muttered.

“What’s that?” She cleared the room in a second. “Do not talk back to me. I don’t care what Hajime does. If his mother and father let him out of the house without a balanced meal, that’s on them. I may not be the best mother in the world, but I will be damned if my son doesn’t eat breakfast.”

Tooru’s face fell. He hadn’t expected that. His stomach churned at the thought of eating, but he offered a smile and agreed. He sat down and forced himself to eat, hoping his mother didn’t noticehow hard this was for him. He didn’t want to worry her. She was already under so much stress. Maybe the food would help his mental fog dissipate?

He finished right as there was a knock on the door. His body screamed as he stood. His muscles begging for relief as his bones threatened to crumble. Why did it hurt? What had they done to him? Bone pain in his hip was supposed to be a side effect, but this…this was his entire body. Tears jumped to his eyes. He wiped them away with his sleeve and took a few breaths to calm himself. Once he got to his feet, the pain decreased to a dull ache rather than a scream. He put the dishes in the sink and hurried as fast as he could toward the door Hajime didn’t like waiting and he hated being late.

He found his mother had already let the boy in.

“Have you eaten, Hajime?” She asked, crossing her arms.

“Yes, ma’am.” He offered a polite smile.

“Good morning, Iwa-chan!” Tooru sang, grabbing his arm, dragging him toward the door.

“Morning…” Hajime grunted.

“You’re so grumpy in the mornings, Iwa-chan,” Tooru laughed as he pulled his shoes on.

“Not everyone’s a morning person.”

Tooru snickered, standing up. He called a goodbye to his mom, Hajime doing the same. As soon as they were out of the house, Hajime grabbed him.

“Did you tell your mother I eat breakfast out of the vending machine?” 

“But you do eat breakfast out of a vending machine,” Tooru sighed, pulling himself out of the boy’s grip, making a show of smoothing his clothes. “You’re so grumpy.”

“What if she tells my mom? I don’t want to get in trouble. I tell her every morning I ate already.” Hajime muttered.

“Then stop lying. I can’t believe you lied to my poor, innocent mother. You’re a monster, Iwa-chan! For shame!” Tooru feigned.

“Shut up, shittykawa…” Hajime muttered walking ahead .

Tooru laughed softly before catching up to him.

**********  
The morning went better than he had expected. The dull ache died down by the time they’d gotten to school, making it easier for him to smile and laugh, say hi to everyone in the hall. A group of girls gave him cookies they’d baked before the first class of the day. He tucked them away in his bag with lunch and tried to focus on the lesson.

By lunch, the pain was back. Every movement ached. Maybe his muscles were tight and he just thought it was his bones. He walked with Hajime, Matsun, and Maki for lunch, fighting the tears that threatened to spill over. He needed to go to the coaches’ office and ask for pain meds, say he had a headache. Or he could find one of the managers. That might be a little less of a problem. He’d have less of a chance to be grilled that way.

“Are you okay, Oikawa?” Maki asked, opening his lunch.

“Huh?” Tooru glanced at him. “Yeah, I’m fine.” 

“Yeah, Maki’s right. As much as I’m glad to not listen to you talk nonstop, it’s a little weird to have you so quiet. What’s on your mind?” Matsun smirked.

“Nothing. Just thinking about exams.” 

“You’re restless.” Hajime observed. “Come on, sit down. Eat. You look like shit.” A smile twitched the corners of Tooru's mouth. Hajime always took care of him.

“Oikawa-kun!”

“Oh look. The entourage.” Matsun rolled his eyes. 

A group of four first year girls, huddling together were making their way towards them. They whispered among themselves before finally walking over. Their eyes twinkled at him. They were a different set of girls from that morning. 

“Hi!” Tooru beamed, turning around.

“Hey, ladies!” Maki grinned. 

The girls glanced at the others before turning their attention back to Tooru. They talked about various things. He tried to stay interested and engaged, but every part of his body was screaming for relief. He couldn’t force this one minute longer.

“Hey…” Tooru said, cutting off the girl who was talking. “I’m sorry, but do any of you have any pain medicine? I have a really bad headache. I could go to the coach, but I’m worried they won’t let me play.”

He was surprised when all four of the held out bottles of Midol. They fought over who would give it to him, pushing and elbowing each other. He smiled, relieved. His friends stared at him with annoyed expressions on their face.

“No! It was my idea to come talk to him!” 

“I got it first!”

“You were too scared to come talk to him!”

“I have more pills!” 

“Mine work better!” 

“How about I just get one pill from each of you? Just in case my headache comes back?” He rubbed the back of his head nervously. He held his hand out and was given four pills. He thanked them and sat down next to Hajime.

“I hope you feel better, Oikawa-kun!” They called.

“Hey! You know he’s not the only one on the team!” Matsun called.

“Shut up. You're gay.” Maki laughed, nudging his boyfriend. Matusun kissed his cheek.

“Yeah, but why does he get all the fans?”

Tooru focused on his food. He really didn’t have the energy to do much else.

**********  
Tooru rested his head against the window of his father’s car, watching the buildings and scenery pass by. He loved car rides, buses and trains included. There was something soothing about it that he couldn’t quite explain. He knew it didn’t make sense, but he felt serene watching everything rush by while he was comfortably relaxed inside the vehicle. It was almost a metaphor.

His stomach sank as the car slowed and they turned into the parking lot for the doctor’s office. He didn’t want to go in. If he stayed here, everything would be okay. He didn’t want to leave this place. Stepping into that building would be taking a step toward the unknown and he honestly wasn’t prepared for it. The day had led to this, and the anxiety was at it’s peak. His heart was racing.

“Come on, Tooru,” his father said softly, opening the door.

“Right, sorry!”

He flashed a smile and climbed out of the car. The air was tense around them as he followed his parents toward the building. If only the air wasn’t still, maybe then he could breathe. There was no wind. There were no birds or animals or even people to break the deafening silence that surrounded him. All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears and their footsteps on the pavement.

They were led to small private room. His parents sat on either side of him. He slouched, hands buried in the pockets of his blazer. He tilted his head back, trying to calm his racing heart. Any minute now, he expected one of his parents to correct him like they usually did, but they were silent and still at his sides. The clock on the wall counting down the seconds was almost deafening.

The doctor walked into the room with two others, introducing himself and his colleagues. Tooru frowned. One was a hematologist, the other an oncologist. Why were they there? It didn't make sense. His parents tensed, and Tooru swore he heard them hold their breath. Everything was fine. It had to be. He knew it was okay, but if his parents were this upset and there were three doctors...maybe it was worse than he thought? He blinked slowly at the poster on the wall advertising a medication. Maybe if he just focused hard enough, he could be strong for his parents. His heart was racing, and he could feel himself starting to sweat. He swallowed the lump his throat and took a deep breath. 

"Is...is it that bad?" His father's voice had a certain waver as though he were trying to keep it from shaking. 

The doctor looked down at the floor for a moment. Tooru heard his father gasp. His mother took Tooru's hand, squeezing it tight. He could feel himself shaking. His head felt like it was in a haze. He couldn't think, couldn't understand what they were realizing before the doctor had even spoke. He squeezed his mother's hand, offering her a smile. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the tears shimmering in her eyes. 

"As we've already discussed, the blood work was severely abnormal which is why we went for further testing. With everything we've got, our diagnosis is confirmed as a cancer called acute myeloid leukemia. It's a pretty aggressive cancer, but given Tooru’s age and otherwise good health, I do think that he’s a candidate for intensive chemotherapy. We do see the best outcomes for older teenagers with intense, aggressive treatment.”

Tooru blinked. Suddenly it was as though he were in a tunnel or underwater. He could hear that the doctor was talking, but he couldn’t understand anything he said. The words were jumbled together and his voice was muffled. His mother was gripping his hand, but he couldn’t feel it. It was like he was numb. His head wasn’t working. Silence. For the first time in his life, he couldn’t hear himself.

He lost track of time. The doctor and his parents were talking back and forth, but not a single word was being absorbed. It didn’t feel real. All he could do was sit there and stare at the clock on the wall, trying desperately to think, to count, anything to make himself feel real.

“Tooru?” His father nudged him. “Tooru?”

“Huh?” He glanced at him. The spell, whatever it was, was broken and he was suddenly present, but he still didn’t feel anything. His body felt like it was vibrating.

“Do you have any questions for me?” the doctor asked.

“Um…no,” Tooru forced a smile.

“Great. So I’ll have my staff make the appointment for tomorrow afternoon for the line placement, and we’ll book at the children’s hospital for chemo to start Monday afternoon.” 

The doctor shook their hands and walked out of the room, leading the way. Tooru walked slowly behind his parents. He had to focus on moving. It was like he was trying to walk through gelatin. His arms and legs felt heavy. His head was a jumbled mess. Yet he felt…calm? It was the only word to describe what the feeling was. 

On the way home, Tooru was silent. He held his phone in his hand, opening and closing his messaging app. He kept opening up the chat for Hajime, but didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t anything to say. The appointment hadn’t hit him just yet. He felt fine. Not good, but not bad. Just…fine. He knew it would hit him eventually, and he hoped he was home when it happened.

They arrived home after what felt like ages. Tooru just wanted to curl up and binge watch X-Files. He had just sat down and flipped on the television when his mom came into the living room, teary eyed and hugged him tight. He laid against her, letting her hold him. He wanted to say something, anything, but he when he tried to open his mouth, it didn’t open. It was almost like he wasn’t in his body, like he was just watching the scene but had no control over his own body.

“Your father and I have been taking off a lot this past week, so we really need to go in. Will you be alright?” She asked, rubbing his back.

“Yeah,” Tooru smiled.

His heart sank at her words. He could feel the tears pricking his eyes. His entire life both of his parents worked almost constantly. He was no stranger to being left alone, sometimes as long as a week. He’d learned to take care of himself years ago. When he was younger, his brother would watch him until his parents met the Iwaizumis after the boys met in daycare and became inseparable. But now? At a time like this? After the news they’d just received?

Tooru felt himself come undone. He took a deep, cleansing breath, planted that smile on his face and agreed to being left alone. He wanted to beg her to stay. He wanted to stay in his arms. Little by little he was starting to feel the wall breaking. It was as though he was five years old again and his mother was telling him they were going to Tokyo for a week and he’d stay with Hajime’s family. The lump in his throat was growing larger with every passing second. He was fighting to keep the tears back.

“Invite Hajime over and you boys can study or watch television. I love you so much, Tooru. I’m so sorry.”

And with that, they were gone.

*******  
Tooru hugged his knees to chest as he sat on his bed, staring at nothing. He was internally begging his parents to come home. This wasn’t the time to start freaking out. His heart pounded in his chest. His body trembled. It was hard to breathe, and the breaths he managed were shaky and short. It was like his chest was rigid. Tears began to cloud his vision.

His mind was racing now. Leukemia? How could he have leukemia? The doctors could be wrong, right? He tried to convince himself that it was all a dream, that this wasn’t happening. Chemo next week. His stomach twisted at the thought. He didn’t know what it meant for him. God, why couldn’t he have just listened? He had his chance and it was over.

He pulled out his phone starting to call Hajime for the millionth time that evening, but quickly hung up. He couldn’t talk to him. What would he say? How do you tell someone you love that you’re sick? That you have cancer? How could he tell him if he himself couldn’t even say the words? Tooru hadn’t accepted it yet. He was so scared.

Tooru tossed his phone to the side as the sobs wracked his body. Tears soaked through the sleeves of the shirt he was wearing. Snot was everywhere. He ignored the phone buzzing next to him. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not now. But he didn’t want to be alone either. He stopped holding back and let his body have the release it desperately needed.

When he had run out of tears and the room around him felt still, he hugged his knees, his head laying on his arms as he stared at the poster on the wall of this year’s Seijoh team. He stared at himself, smiling brightly at the camera, hands behind his back like the rest of the team. Hajime had that sweet smirk on his face, trying hard to look serious, but holding back the laughter that had come right after the picture was taken. A smile pushed its way onto his face as he recalled what had taken place right before that picture. Mastun had a joke shouted over the photographer. It was supposed to be a good year, the best year. And now…

His phone buzzed again, pulling him out of this thoughts. He picked it up slowly. His muscles felt stiff. Five missed texts from Hajime:

_  
Yes?_

_Why do you keep calling and hanging up?_

_Are you okay?_

_??????_

_Okay, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?_

__

Tooru drafted a quick reply. _Oh sorry, Iwa-chan! It was an accident!_ I

He laid back on the bed and stared up at the glowing stars and planets on his ceiling. His father had gotten them for him for his eighth birthday. Tooru hadn’t even known about it until he and Hajime had gone to go to sleep that night and he turned the lights off to see the scene above him. It had been perfect. He wished could could tell Hajime the truth, _the whole truth, and they could cuddle and Hajime would make it better. But he could never tell him the whole truth, not now that he was sick. He couldn't, wouldn't do that Hajime. He deserved someone better who could do things for him. Besides, it would ruin everything._

__

__

His phone rang, once again breaking the thoughts. He sighed and picked it up. His brother.

“Hi, onii-chan!” Tooru forced himself to sound pleasant.

“Hey…” His brother’s voice was soft. “Are you…are you okay?”

“I’m great!” Tooru replied.

“You are?” He heard the doubt in his brother’s voice. “Tooru, Mom told me. You don’t have to pretend everything’s okay.”

Tooru chewed his lip. He hated that his brother knew him so well. It had always been this way. He desperately wanted attention, but when he got it, it was so uncomfortable. There was a very real difference in the attention he got at school that he thrived on: The adoration, the fawning, even being on the butt end of every joke by his friends; and attention for when he was feeling down. He felt called out. He felt like he was letting people down somehow.

“Tooru?” His brother prodded.

“I’m here.” Tooru forced a laugh.

“Hey, can I talk to Mom or Dad? I tried calling them back after dinner, but I haven’t been able to reach them. I need to talk to them about Takeru’s birthday.”

Tooru sighed in relief at the shift in attention, only to have his stomach knot at the realization that he couldn’t give the phone to his parents and hide. They weren’t home. Tears filled his eyes. He could feel his body start to tremble again. He heard his brother curse under his breath.

“Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? What the hell? They left you alone?” He heard his brother let out a laugh. “Unbelievable. After that news? When are they coming home?”

“They didn’t say…” Tooru played with his sleeve. “It’s okay though, onii-chan. I’m okay. They’ll be home soon anyway. Iwa-chan is here.”

“Really?” Keishi asked.

“Mhm!”

“Let me talk to him.”

“Oh, um, he’s sleeping. I don’t want to wake him up!” Tooru forced a laugh.

“Stop lying to me, Tooru. I’m coming over. You shouldn’t be by yourself. I am so angry right now. They leave you alone way too much, but this, this crosses a line. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

The call ended. Tooru groaned. He didn’t want to be alone, but he didn’t want his brother coming over either. He love Keishi. He did. Any other time, he’d be so excited to see him, but he didn’t want everything put on him. He sighed. It could be good. He did have a lot of questions that were unanswered. What lines were they going to place? What exactly did starting chemo entail? Would he still be able to go to school? Could he still play? What should he expect? It was all so intimidating. He could use an oncologist’s advice. 

Keishi showed up right on schedule. He entered Tooru’s room, flipping the lights on. Tooru blinked, his eyes sensitive from crying in the dimly lit room. He sat up. A lump was rising in his throat. He wasn’t sure he could speak without breaking down. Keishi stared at him for a moment before pulling him into a hug. 

“I love you, Tooru.” He said softly. 

“I love you too!” Tooru grinned.

“So…why isn’t Hajime here?” Keishi asked gently. 

“I don’t know how to tell him.” Tooru leaned over, resting his elbows on his thighs. “I can’t even say it myself.”

“I see.” Keishi was quiet for a moment. “Take your time, but remember, he’s your best friend and you don’t need to go through something like this alone. Talk to me. Talk to him. Tell Mom and Dad they can’t just leave you.”

“It’s fine.” Tooru mumbled. 

“It’s not.” Keishi put his arm around him, pulling him close. “Remember when you were little and I’d always promise you that I’d never let anything bad happen to you? That as long as I was around, you’d be safe?” 

“Please don’t blame yourself.” Tooru frowned. 

“I don’t. There’s nothing anyone could have done. But now I’m promising you this: I will be here for you no matter what.” 

Keishi answered every question Tooru had. He’d be getting a central line placed so he could get chemo and have labs drawn without having to get poked all the time. That was calming. Tooru didn’t want to deal with needles anymore. Keishi relayed what the doctor had told them in the office. Intensive therapy would consist of him being in the hospital for two weeks. One week he’d get chemo daily over a span of four hours. The next week he’d be in the hospital to prevent him from getting sick as the chemo would more than likely wipe out his immune system. Tooru’s stomach flipped at the thought. 

“I can be there if you’d like,” Keishi smiled. “Can’t let my baby brother be alone for that, can I?” 

“I’ll be okay.” 

“Have you eaten?” Keishi glanced at his watch. 

“No.” Tooru muttered. “Not since lunch at school. I’m not really hungry.”

“You’re going to eat.” Keishi stood up. He pulled Tooru to his feet. 

“You sound like Mom…” Tooru crossed his arms. 

“I don’t care. You’re going to need your strength. You’re going need good nutrition. Come on.” Keishi used the voice he used with Takeru. 

“Fine.” 

Tooru let his brother drag him downstairs. He sat on the couch staring at the television while Keishi prepared him something to eat. Keishi was always trying to take care of him. He was sometimes more of a parent than a brother to him since he was twenty years older. They were close despite the age difference.

“Eat.” Keishi pushed the plate in Tooru’s face. 

Tooru sighed and ate silently next to his brother. They talked about life, school, leukemia, and treatment until Tooru was falling asleep next to Keishi on the couch. His brother commanded him to go to bed, making sure he washed his face and brushed his teeth. Knowing Keishi was downstairs reassured Tooru. Sleep came easy that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please comment. It will make me smile like a huge dork at my computer. xoxo


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys I finally have this one ready! I was considering making it longer, but my beta suggested to have them split in two. Tell me what y'all think is best. Do you like long or short or medium chapters? 
> 
> Enjoy!

The lecture on molecular bonds droned on. Tooru couldn’t focus. He stared out the window, his head laying on his arm while he held his pen in his other hand to make it look like he was paying attention. His chest was still sore from the procedure a few days ago. He still wasn’t used to the way the line hung from his chest under his shirt. Of course he’d get used to it, but for the moment, the way it ghosted his skin was uncomfortable. At least it could take his mind off what was going to happen at four that afternoon.

There was a swift kick to his chair. Tooru tensed, closing his eyes and taking in a sharp breath. A folded piece of paper landed on his desk from Maki’s direction. Tooru sighed, curling further into himself. He had an idea of what it would say. His friends didn’t pay much attention in class, and even when they did, their notes were laughable. There was no way they could study from them. So since first year, Maki and Matsun had joined Hajime in stealing his notes and homework.

“Wake up!” Maki hissed, another kick to his chair.

He rolled his eyes, sitting up in his chair. Hajime was staring at him. Tooru glanced at him before staring back at the front of the classroom. The teacher hadn’t noticed anything was going on as he droned on. He could still feel Hajime’s eyes burning his skin. Slowly Tooru opened the note, not wanting to make too much noise.

_Don’t fall asleep, dumbass! We need your notes! And who’s going to explain to us peasants as you call us whatever this lesson is. Wake up, Oikawa!_

Tooru let out yet another sigh. He scrolled a message back.

_Maybe try to focus and learn yourself Maki. ;) xoxo_

He acted like he was stretching and dropped the note on the boy’s desk. A moment later he heard the boy curse under his breath and kick his chair again. Tooru ignored Maki and Matsun as they threw things at him. It was normal. Usually Tooru would laugh and give them looks. Today he just stared at the blank notebook in front of him.

“Stop.” Hajime muttered to the others.

“He’s being an asshole,” Maki whispered back.

“Leave him alone.”

The sound of Maki and Matsun making kiss noises at Hajime came from behind Tooru. He closed his eyes, burying his face in his arm. Their stupid inside joke that he didn't understand. He hated it. Once he'd tried to join in and Hajime had told him it wasn't funny when he did it. Tooru still remembered the pain in chest and the prick of the tears threatening to pool in his eyes. Just another reminder that they were more Hajime's friends than his. He was the fourth wheel. Of course he'd laughed like it wasn't a big deal. He wished they would stop...

"Shut up!" Hajime grumbled. The two boys snickered behind them.

The lesson continued a while longer. Tooru had managed to write a single sentence down. He stared at it. It didn’t make sense. Tears threatened him, clouding his vision. His heart raced. How could he have wasted the entire day of lessons? This would surely put him behind. How was he going to learn this? He was going to be in the hospital the next two weeks. He chewed his lip.

When they were dismissed for lunch, Tooru grabbed his bag and notebook in one fluid motion and rushed out of the room. He didn’t want to talk. Hajime hadn’t stopped staring at him all morning. He was getting suspicious. Especially with how he had told the others to leave him alone. Usually Hajime joined in with the fun. Tooru would be laughing along with them. The teacher would catch them, but Tooru would never get in trouble because the things they’d been throwing were all over his desk.

Tooru hid in one of the courtyards. The sun was shining, birds were singing around him. The cool air hugged him. He watched the wind tickle the red and gold leaves. Tooru usually loved autumn. The air was cool and crisp. Leaves changed colors. Volleyball season started in full swing. It meant sleepovers with Hajime, Maki, and Matsun. He used it as an excuse to cuddle with Hajime. He used every excuse to get close to him.

He sighed, brushing his hair out of his face. The wind kept blowing it around making it difficult to eat. The boy shivered slightly, pulling the scarf closer to him. He hadn’t taken it off. He had to hide the bandages from the central line placement. Nobody could see them. And it was cool after all, so it wasn’t so strange. He took a deep breath, holding for a second trying to calm his racing thoughts.

“Tooru…”

He jumped at the sound of Hajime’s voice. His body went rigid, his heart flipping in his chest. He pushed the reaction away, focusing on his food, trying to pretend he hadn’t heard him. It was ridiculous really. Of course he’d heard him. It was quiet besides the birds. A shadow shaped like Hajime engulfed him.

“Tooru.” Hajime stood before him, arms crossed. His eyes were fixed on him. It made Tooru shiver. His brows were knit, his mouth turned down in a frown. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Tooru mumbled.

“Something.” Hajime sat next to him, pushing Tooru to the side to let him have room on the bench.

“No, Iwa-chan. Nothing. I’m fine. I just…” Tooru sighed. “I’m tired.”

“Stayed up all night again?” Hajime sighed.

“Yes,” Tooru grinned.

“You need to stop.” He opened up his bento box, setting the lid to the side. “It’s not healthy and the season is going to start soon. You need to rest or you’ll hurt yourself again. You never take care of yourself, Tooru. It’s really frustrating. You know we need you. You’ve been acting so strangely. You need to sleep.”

“Aw, Hajime, are you worried about me?” Tooru stole a kiss on the boy’s cheek. He lived for those stolen moments. Hajime rolled his eyes, sucking his teeth.

“Not at all,” Hajime deadpanned.

“Rude!” Tooru pouted.

“Well we finally found you!” Matsun grinned taking a seat on the bench opposite from the boys.

“Hiding from us? Afraid we’ll steal your notes?” Maki laughed, joining him.

“I’m not hiding.” Tooru sighed.

He loved Maki and Matsun, but he knew they were more Hajime’s friends than his. Tooru hated it. He hated that they only hung around him for his grades and Hajime. He didn’t want to be around them, not right now. He didn’t feel like dealing with their tasteless jokes. Not today. Today was too much as it was. Was it really too much to ask that he just spend his last few hours before being hospitalized with the one person he cared for more than anyone else? He needed to tell Hajime. He needed to explain things to him. He needed to tell him everything. He couldn’t do that with these two here.

“Are you mad at us?” Maki frowned. “You know we’re just joking! We love you, captain!”

Tooru rolled his eyes, staring at his food. He stabbed at a piece of tofu. Hajime nudged him. Matsun and Maki kept talking to him.

“Can everyone just leave me alone?” Tooru shouted, slapping the table. “I’m not in the mood!”

“What the fuck has gotten into you?” Maki started.

“Stop.” Hajime glared.

More kissing noises.

There was a pressure inside Tooru’s body. He couldn’t quite place it. On top of the dull ache in his bones, the fatigue, the feeling of being faint, there was this…pressure. He didn’t feel angry or sad or anything in particular, but he felt like he was going to explode.

“Hajime?” Tooru mumbled.

“Hm?”

“I…can I talk to you? Alone?” Tooru’s eyes glanced at the other two before going back to the food he was trying to stomach.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Hajime glanced at their friends before getting up and following him.

Tooru led him to one of the trees he liked near the edge of the courtyard. He sat down on the cool grass and stared up at Hajime, admiring him. The way the sun reflected of the mop of perpetual bedhead made him look immaculate. His green eyes were fixed on where his friend was sitting. Tooru bit his lip and moved his eyes away from Hajime. He needed to stop this. Hajime was his best friend. Nothing more. He had to accept that, especially now he was so sick. 

“What?”

Tooru licked his lips and took a minute to think. How should he phrase this? This was Hajime, his best friend, his first love. He knew everything about him, and Hajime knew everything about him. They could communicate without words. So how was it, that he couldn’t even tell him this one simple thing? He had once told Hajime every fear he ever had. A tear fell down his cheek. Tooru cursed silently. He brushed it away quickly.

“Hey,” Hajime knelt down in front of him. “What’s wrong? You can tell me.”

He stared at Hajime. The boys smiled reassuringly, as if to encourage him. The smile told Tooru he was safe, that he could tell him. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Instead he pulled his knees to his chest and stared down the corridor leading to the entrance from the courtyard. Memories of the past two years flooded his mind. He couldn’t help a shudder running over him.

Just like that he was in Hajime’s arms. The boy was pulling him close. No words. Tooru closed his eyes and hugged him back. He breathed him in. The familiar smell of Iwaizumi Hajime. It was enough to calm his thundering heart. Tooru was sure that Hajime could hear it, feel it threatening to pop out of his chest. For a moment, Tooru could pretend. Just as it happened, it ended.

“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan. I’m just tired and I don’t feel well.” Tooru shifted, hugging himself, knees still pulled to his chest. He could feel the disgusting central line hanging out of his body beneath his shirt.

“Anything else?” Hajime stared at him. He knew. Tooru knew he knew he wasn’t telling him everything. Hajime always knew.

“No, that’s all.” Tooru smiled.

“You’re lying to me.”

“No, I’m not. I don’t feel good. I think I’m sick.”

 _Think? You are. Very._ Tooru willed the voice in the back of his head to shut up. He hated lying to Hajime. He had done it so many times in the past. One thing Oikawa Tooru hated more than anything else in the world was feeling vulnerable. There was always that voice in the back of his head mocking him as he pretended to be fine.

“Do you need to go to the infirmary?” Hajime asked, brushing Tooru’s hair out of his eyes.

“No!” Tooru protested a little too quickly. “What I mean is…I can just go get something from Coach.”

“You never go to them for stuff like this. You’re always scared they’re going to ask questions and bench you when you think you’re fine. Though to be quite honest, I think you need to be benched more than you are because you always end up pushing yourself too far and getting hurt.” Hajime sighed. “What is it, Tooru? Tell me. It’s me. I’m your best friend. You can tell me.”

“I’ve already told you,” Tooru smiled, jumping to his feet. “I don’t feel well and I’m tired.”

“And you couldn’t have said that in front of our friends?” Hajime raised an eyebrow as he straightened up.

Tooru glanced toward the picnic table. Sure enough, Matsun and Maki were staring at them, watching curiously. They blew them air kisses. He shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets. He started to go back to lunch, but Hajime caught his arm.

“Why were you crying?”

“I wasn’t crying.” Tooru rolled his eyes. “I’m just tired. You know how I get when I’m overtired. Besides, if I had mentioned in front of the meme boys, I think they would have made fun of me when I did get a bit emotional.”

“Whatever. You know you’re a real brat,” Hajime grumbled brushing past him back to the table.

Tooru watched him for a moment, a lump rising in his throat. He had his chance. He could have told him everything. For once he could have cried into someone’s chest who wouldn’t judge him or pity him, and that’s what he did. A brat. Of course he was. He was a brat, a jerk, asshole, dick, and an arrogant prick. He was all those things people said about him. But he had feelings. And Hajime knew it.

He joined his friends at the table. They were talking about something he didn’t care to pay attention to. He focused on his meal. Keishi insisted he eat everything he could before starting treatment. It was hard to eat when your stomach was twisted and nervous.

“Why are you so moody lately, Tooru?” Matsun asked.

“Don’t call me Tooru.” His voice was icy. “I never told you that you could call me that.”

“Iwa does?”

“Iwa-chan is my best friend. _Hajime_ and I are best friends. _Hajime_ and I have known each other forever. _Hajime_ and I could call each other anything and it’d be okay.” Tooru stared at the table.

“Wooow,” Maki snorted. “You really pissed him off.”

“I thought we were friends?” Matsun narrowed his eyes.

“Well…” Tooru shrugged.

“Tooru, calm down,” Hajime muttered. “They’re not doing anything.”

“Fuck you, Iwa-chan.” Tooru glared at him.

He couldn’t deal with this. There was too much going on. Maybe he was being unreasonable. Maybe he was overreacting. He really didn’t care. He took a few deep breaths trying to calm himself. The pressure was still there. His body ached. His heart wouldn’t stop running away. His mind kept focusing on his fears. His stomach was on a rollercoaster. He couldn’t deal with much.

The table was quiet. Tooru braced himself for the three of them to walk away. At least Matsun and Maki. Nobody ever stayed around when he was acting like this. Hajime even walked away sometimes. Of course he always came back. Maybe if he pushed them away now, he’d never have to tell them he was sick. He’d never have to utter the word leukemia to them ever. It would make it all so easy.

“I’m sorry,” Matsun said quietly after a minute.

“Me too.” Maki frowned.

“I’m sorry I called you a brat,” Hajime muttered.

Tooru glanced at them, shocked.

“We’re just….we know that something’s bothering you, and we’re trying to lighten the mood with jokes like we always do. Matsun and I didn’t mean to upset you.” Maki offered a smile.

“It’s fine.” Tooru mumbled.

“No, it’s not. Dude, what’s wrong?” Matsun pushed.

“I’m just tired and I don’t feel well. I’m really stressed out.” Tooru rested his head in his hand as he finished eating.

“Get some sleep. Rest. Find something to calm you down,” Hajime advised. “You don’t want your perfect hair falling out, do you?”

Tooru’s blood ran cold. The blood drained from his face. His body started trembling. His heart was running a marathon. Tears filled his eyes. He jumped up, grabbing his bag as the tears spilled down his cheeks.

“I have to go.”

Tooru ignored their protests as he ran back into the building. He didn’t care that students were staring at him. They could stare. Oikawa Tooru was a person. It was about time they realized. He tried his best to hold back his tears, to keep his face set, but he was failing. Truth was, he didn’t have the strength to really try.

He ducked into the bathroom. All the stalls were empty. He went into the farthest one. His hands were trembling as he locked the stall behind him. He managed to get his bag on the hook on the door before sat down, pulling his feet onto the edge of the toilet. He sobbed into this arms. Hajime hadn’t meant anything by it. He knew that. It was just he hadn’t thought much about what was going to happen. It was a reality. In less than four hours, everything would change. He had to be strong, he knew that.

But crying wasn’t weak.

**********  
Tooru waited until he was sure the halls were cleared and the students had returned to class. He pulled his bag around his body and opened the door with shaking hands. He felt calmer now that he had let himself cry. His heart no longer wanted to jump out of his chest. His stomach was no longer in knots. He was tired though, exhausted even. His eyes burned.

He made his way to the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot. He groaned and searched through his bag for his contacts case and his glasses case. He set them both on the ledge. He washed his hands before taking out the contacts. His vision blurred. Some of the issues he had to deal with when his contacts and eyes stopped being friends sometimes made him feel like wearing his glasses for the rest of his life.

Eye drops were a lifesaver when it came to covering up the fact that he’d been crying. The solution burned slightly. He kept his eyes closed letting the drops do what they were supposed to do. Literally his best friend. Without them he’d walk around looking like he had pink eye.

He turned the water on, splashing his face. He needed to wash away all evidence of crying before he decided to go back to class. He turned the water off as he dried his face. He put his glasses on and looked at himself again. His eyes were still an angry red. He leaned against the wall and groaned. There was no way he could go back to class like this, and with no pass. ‘

Shit. What had he been thinking? Skipping the beginning of class was going to land him in some trouble for sure. Hajime had probably made up some excuse for him, but he’d still need a pass. He thought of all the options he had. One necessary option made his stomach sink.

He needed to tell the coaches he was leaving.

Tooru made his way into the coaches’ small office. The door was cracked slightly. He could hear the voices of the two men talking about something just beyond. He stood there for a moment, letting the reality wash over him. The second he goes in that office is the moment he effectively ends his volleyball career. As much as he wanted to believe that he could come back after being out for treatment, he knew that the reality was very low. Of course it wouldn’t stop him from trying, but Tooru was smart enough to understand the odds were stacked against him.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“Yes?” Irihata called.

Tooru opened the door, forcing a smile as he walked in. The coaches were sitting in the room, Mizoguchi had his feet kicked up on the desk. Tooru’s eyes landed on the trophy case along the wall. For the last two years, he’d spent under these men with those teams winning those trophies. Now he knew he was not going to be part of that this year.

“Oikawa, how’s it going?”

“Great, Irihata-san. How are you doing?” Tooru ran his hand over his hair nervously.

“Can’t complain. What can we do for you?”

Tooru took a deep breath and sat in the chair near the desk. He’d sat here many times, talking to these two men about various things. People who weren’t dedicated to their sport wouldn’t understand how much of an impact these two had had on him. There were times he felt lost and he could just go talk to them, seeking advice or just an ear. To Tooru, his team, including his coaches, were family. He felt like he was running away from home.

“I need to talk to you both…privately. If it’s not too much to ask, I’d really appreciate it if it didn’t leave this room. Nobody knows yet and I’m not sure I’m ready to tell everyone yet.” He paused to gather himself. The men watched him patiently. “I have to resign from the team. You can tell Iwaizumi that he’s captain now.”

“What?” Irihata blinked at him.

“I thought you wanted to go pro?” Mizoguchi leaned forward.

“You realize you’re the captain. Those boys voted for you. You can’t just abandon your duty to them.”

“I don’t want to,” Tooru blinked back fresh tears. “This is really difficult for me. I…I have…I have…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it. “Remember when I passed out at practice? Well we found out why. So I can’t play anymore.”

“What’s wrong?” Mizoguchi asked slowly.

“It’s…um…” Tooru swallowed. “I…” A tear ran down his face, a new waterfall forming. So much for going back to class with normal eyes.

“Tooru?” Irihata leaned forward.

“I can’t say it. I’m sorry. I can’t say it.” Tooru leaned forward covering his face. “But I start chemo today after school.” He whispered.

“Shit…”

The silence was deafening. The only sounds breaking through it was Tooru’s ragged breathing and the fan going behind the coach’s desk. He had no idea how long they sat there, letting him cry. Mizuguchi’s hand was rubbing his back as the boy cried for the millionth time since he’d gotten the news. He hated crying in front of them, but he couldn’t hold back. He held back far too many times.

“Does Iwaizumi know?” Irihata asked after a moment.

Tooru was drinking a bottle of water Mizuguchi handed to him. Drinking the fluid really was helping to calm him down. He shook his head, pulling at his blazer. He needed to tell Hajime. He could text him. Maybe write it in a note? Neither sounded like a good idea. He’d handed his teacher the note from his doctor stating everything. He hated the way they’d looked at him. He didn’t want to look up to see the coaches’ faces.

“Are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know how,” Tooru admitted. “I have tried. I just…It’s hard.”

“He’s your best friend, right?” Tooru nodded. “Your vice-captain. Your teammate. Don’t you think it is the proper thing to do to tell him?”

Tooru thought over the coach’s words. Irihata was right. He knew he was right. But it was hard. What did this man know of telling your best friend you have cancer? Irihata hadn’t had cancer. He didn’t seem like he ever even got sick. But he gave life advice to Tooru on so many occasions. He was right.

“Can I have a pass back to class?” Tooru said instead. 

He had already missed too much of the lesson as it was. He went back to class, handing the note to the teacher wordlessly, before taking his seat and laying his head down in his arms. He ignored his friends. For the first time in his life, Tooru fell asleep in class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment! xoxo
> 
> I literally begging y'all for feedback lmfao 
> 
> Please?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *********NOTE: I realized that I didn't edit the scene with Oikawa telling the coaches about him being sick in the last chapter. I occasionally write scenes ahead of time and then tweak them later. I've already changed it for new readers. Oikawa starts chemo that day after school, not next week***********
> 
> First of all, thank you to everyone reading! Special thank you to those of you who are leaving kudos, bookmarking, and subscribing. You're all beautiful people. <3
> 
> To those wonderful souls that left comments, just know I love you so much. You guys give me a lot of motivation.

Hajime got dressed for practice. He couldn’t get the image of Tooru running away at lunch in tears out of his mind. Something was going on and he hated not knowing what it was. He knew his best friend, and he knew Tooru hid things. It had always been that way. Hajime had to pull confessions out of him. And the way Tooru came back to class with red rimmed eyes behind his glasses, and that look of defeat on his face, was chilling. Hajime’s heart sank when he watched Tooru drop his bag to the floor before going to sleep, his glasses askew on his face. Hajime had woken him up after class, and without a word, Tooru left.

He looked around the locker room for his captain. He was nowhere to be seen. It was only the beginning of the season and Tooru had barely been at practice. It was starting to worry him. The boy loved volleyball more than most things. He trained so hard. There were so many nights they’d practice until Hajime was exhausted. He’d throw the ball to Tooru who’d set it up for him to hit. Over and over again. They’d practice serving and receiving together, far after practice was over. Hajime would have to literally drag the boy behind him to close up the gym. 

If he was being honest, he felt like a piece of him was missing without Tooru there. Hajime loved listening to him chatter about all his nerdy stuff. The light in his brown eyes that twinkled and captured Hajime's heart was something he couldn't get through a day without. He wasn't sure when it started, but he'd started watching Tooru in the locker room. The way he moved, the way the muscles rippled under the skin. He felt so ashamed, like he was doing something he shouldn't. The boy didn't know. There was no permission. But everyone looked at Tooru. He was beautiful. If others could look, if Tooru wanted them to, then wouldn't it be okay for him, the closest person to him, to look as well? He didn't even realize when he was doing it. The moment he realized, he'd snap his eyes away, and tell himself that that was his best friend. That was it. That was all. That was how Matsun and Maki had found out. They caught him. They had their stupid kissing joke. That wasn't happening today. There was no Tooru. At least today he wouldn't hate himself for looking...

He pushed the thoughts aside as he entered the gym. He started the warm up, stretches and laps. Started practice until the coaches showed up in Tooru’s absence. He ignored his teammates’ questions. ‘Where was Tooru?’ ‘Was he okay?’ How could he answer when he didn’t even know? The last thing Tooru had said to him was that he had to go, and that was at lunch. He’d texted him, but hadn’t heard back.

They were doing serve practice when the coaches finally walked in. Hajime glanced at the clock on the wall. He had been leading practice for forty minutes, not that he minded. He and Tooru were used to starting and leading practice. There were times the coaches sat back and watched Tooru and him lead their team, correct them, and teach them. The coaches would step in when needed. But now that it was finally in season and their first round of practice games were coming up, they had been more involved.

The whistle blew. There is was. Hajime followed the rest of the team over to the side of them gym they were being beckoned to. He took the opportunity to stretch his arms a bit more. He was feeling stiff, stress and worry were living in his shoulders.

“Gather round, boys, gather round,” Irihata motioned. “I have an announcement to make.”

He waited until everyone was resting around them.

“Oikawa resigned today. I’m not at liberty to discuss his reasons. Please respect his privacy. Starting today, Iwaizumi is the official captain, and Yahaba will be official setter. I know this is a bit of a shock, and it will take getting used to, but I have faith in you boys. Oikawa wishes you all well, and sends his support.”

His heart hit the floor.

Hajime, as well as the rest of the team, stared in silence at their coaches. Both looked a bit deflated. It was no wonder. Tooru had been scouted by them in middle school. They’d watched his enthusiasm and skills. Nobody matched him in the way he could boost the morale of the team. No matter what Tooru said about Kageyama, Hajime was sure nobody matched his tosses. Nobody could bring out the best in the spikers the way Tooru could. He watched the other team more carefully than the coaches sometimes. And it was Tooru who came up with many of their offensive plays. Tooru wasn’t well liked by the team, but he was respected as a teammate and captain. Hajime wasn’t sure he could beat that.

The coach started up again about the season. Hajime pretended he was getting water and slipped his phone out of his pocket sending a text to Tooru demanding to know what was going on. He was worried. He felt a lump in his throat. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

***********  
The hospital room was quite large in comparison to what Tooru had imagined. There was a small couch against one wall for visitors and a large hospital bed. He shifted slightly. It seemed so sterile. They were trying hard to make the room feel more like home and less like a hospital with their blue walls and faux wooden floors. There was a television mounted to the wall, a remote sitting on the bed sit table.

Tooru slipped his bag off and set it on the bed. He had been told to change into something comfortable before the infusion started. His parents took a seat on the couch. He couldn’t help but notice how they were immediately pulling out their phones and laptops. They had to work. He understood that. He’d always understood that, but part of him couldn’t help but wonder why now? Why couldn’t they just be there for him? Their words still haunted him.

His dad was going to go back to work once he got settled in, and his mother would go pick up his school work for the next two weeks that hadn’t been prepared by the time school finished that day. His teacher had promised they would have everything together about five o’clock. She would drop it off for him and if he was doing okay, she’d go back to work too. He was screaming internally at them that he was scared, that he wanted them to just spend the night with him, at least the four hour infusion. But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

He pulled out his volleyball track pants and tee shirt. The look his father gave him wasn’t unnoticed, but Tooru really didn’t care what he thought. It didn’t matter if they thought he wore the clothes too often. They were comfortable. The uniform made him feel important and strong. He felt like he belonged to something bigger than himself. Most of all it made him feel proud. Right now he wanted to feel all those things.

Tooru slipped into the private bathroom situated in the corner of the room. He closed the door behind him, stripping out of the brown slacks and into the slick track pants. He folded the uniform slacks up, setting them on the counter. He took off the vest, loosened his tie. He slipped out of the clothes, careful not to wrinkle a single item. His parents wouldn’t appreciate it. The last thing he needed was a lecture.

The reflection in the mirror was jarring. He hadn’t wanted to look at himself since he had gotten the line. He closed his eyes every time he had to change until now. The bandage on his neck that had been covered by his scarf was now fully visible. His eyes were glued to the site. That’s where his vein was. He’d never thought about it before now. His gaze wandered down to the tube sticking out of his chest, bandages and dressings covering the site. It made him shiver. He quickly pulled on the shirt, walking out of the bathroom. He set the school uniform on a small chair, draping his blazer over the back of it. His parents would take them home and bring him a bag from home with clothes to wear the next two weeks.

He was quiet. He pulled a book from his bag and settled in to start reading. He’d picked up several books from the library to pass the time while he was here. This one was a fantasy book with dragons and castles, princes and princesses and magic. It would be a perfect escape.

“Don’t you have homework?” His father’s voice cut through the silence.

“Yes, but I…”

“Then do that first.”

His eyes glued back to his laptop. Tooru felt the tears of frustration building in his eyes. He blinked rapidly, trying to keep them from falling lest his parents see and another lecture began. Their façade at being normal was getting annoying. He didn’t need normal, not their normal. He didn’t want to be treated like a pawn. He wanted them to talk to him, to settle his increasing anxiety. At the very least, let him read his book.

He leaned against the plush pillows, his eyes glued to the ceiling. There were no stars or planets illuminating above him in a comforting glow. He glanced at the window of the room hoping it would be a good view so at the very least he could see the stars at night, but the curtains were drawn. He let out an aggravated sigh, and grabbed his phone.

Missed calls and texts from Hajime, Maki, and Matsun. So the team had been notified. He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to reply to what they were saying. The last text from Hajime was angry, frustrated. Tooru could see the vein popping out of his best friend’s forehead, and the way his eyes flashed just reading it.

_What the fuck, Tooru? Are you fucking serious? You didn’t think this was something you should tell me? Fuck you. Fuck you! Shittykawa, you asshole. You’ve reached a new fucking low, you dick. You know I look like a fucking dumbass for not knowing you were leaving? I get put on blast because you decide to flake? What. The. HELL?_

Tooru stared at the screen. It wasn’t time to reply. He was about to throw his phone away when it buzzed again.

_I’m sorry, Tooru. I’m just upset. Where are you? What’s going on? Please…just tell me. I love you. Please?_

Tooru blinked. I love you. His heartbeat sped up at the words. He could feel his cheeks flush and a smile form on his lips. No. He really needed to stop. That wasn’t what Hajime meant. They’d said that to each other for years now. Tooru more than Hajime. It was never more than best friends no matter how much Tooru wished it was more these days. He drafted a quick reply.

_I love you, Hajime!!! Congratulations Captain! xoxoxo_

He tossed his phone into this bag as the door opened. A nurse came in with the bag of chemo. Well, he guessed his labs had come back well enough. His eyes were glued to the yellow biohazard warning label stuck to it. Biohazard. He shivered. A biohazard chemical was going to be pumped into him. He took a deep breath, answering all her questions. She explained what she was giving him and the side effects. She had three syringes she hooked to him one after the other. One was to keep him from being nauseous. One was to help him stay relaxed. One to keep his body from overreacting. One for pain.

His head was spinning by the time she connected him to the chemotherapy. He closed his eyes, unable to really make sense of anything. His father was telling him to do his homework or study. Tooru didn’t care. He was exhausted, and the medications didn’t help. His eyelids were heavy. He slipped his glasses off, setting them on the bedside table before he let himself succumb to sleep.

***************************  
Hajime glared at his phone as he walked out of the gym. There was still no answer from Tooru besides the congratulatory text on becoming official captain. He'd lost his temper with the first text. He shouldn’t have yelled at him. Something was wrong, very wrong. It wasn't like Tooru to skip so much as one practice when he was able to play. He'd been skipping quite often the last few weeks, and now he was quitting? It didn't make sense. Paired with his strange behavior, Hajime was worried.

He'd left quickly after practice, not bothering to change out of his sweaty clothes. Maki and Matsun wanted to talk to him. The team kept asking questions during breaks. They all wanted to talk to him because he and Tooru were best friends, because one was supposed to know what was going on in his best friend's life. He had always known before. But he had no answers this time.He felt worthless. Was he really that bad of a friend? He had let Tooru down. That much he was sure of. 

As he made his way to exit of the high school, he spotted a familiar figure walking out of one of the buildings, a large manila envelope in her arms. The woman was on her phone. Tooru's mom. Hajime breathed a sigh of relief, hanging near the entrance to speak to her. He didn't want to interrupt her phone call. It could be important and he didn't want to be rude. He glanced at his phone once more, sending one more text to Tooru. 

"Where are you? I'm sorry. I'm just worried. Please text me or call me back, okay? I know something is wrong. You can't lie to me, Tooru."

"Iwaizumi Hajime!" 

Hajime jumped at the sudden outburst. He glanced up from his phone, pocketing it in his jacket. Tooru's mother's face was contorted in anger. Her eyes narrowed, staring daggers in his direction. Her brows were knit in angry slashes. She made a beeline straight toward him. 

"Y-yes?" Hajime stumbled back against the wall as the woman cornered him.

"Where have you been? Tooru needs you. I thought you were his best friend. You abandon him like this? What is wrong with you? I thought you were better than this!" She scolded. 

"I...what?" 

"Do not talk back to me! You have not been to the house in two weeks. What? You just don't want to be his friend anymore? You know he has a hard time making new friends!" 

Members of the team were starting to trickle out toward the entrance of the school. Hajime glanced at them, his cheeks burning. It was embarrassing to have a woman a foot shorter than him chastising him in front of the team, especially after he wasn't able to give them answers about Tooru. He had no idea what was going on. Why was he being scolded? What had he done? Tooru was the one pushing him away. 

"You're going to see him. Call your mother and tell her you're not going to be home for dinner. You're coming with me. I'll pick something up for you too since I'm getting something for Tooru to eat. Come on, now." 

The woman dragged Hajime by the arm toward her car. Hajime got in the passenger seat silently. He glanced at his phone. What was going on? He was afraid to even ask. He did not want to be yelled at again. He sent a quick text to his mom letting her know he was going to be eating with the Oikawas that evening. 

They drove in silence to a ramen shop. Hajime gladly picked out his favorite while he waited for Tooru's mother to get her family's food. He didn't speak a word other than to thank her. 

There were two things he knew about Tooru's parents. One, they worked a lot and left Tooru alone much of the time or dumped him off with his parents. Not that either of them cared. Hajime loved sleeping next to him, waking up to him. Two, when they were around they were strict. He'd seen Tooru being silenced far too many times too count when he was telling them about his day. _The adults are talking_. It was a phrase he never heard in his own house. So he was often quieter around the Oikawas. When they were angry, he found silence was best.

Tooru's mom handed Hajime the envelope and one of the bags of food as they pulled into a parking lot. Hajime looked around for something to identify it. A large sign came into view: Kenritsukodomo Hospital. 

His heart sank. Why would Tooru be in the hospital? He thought back to earlier that day, how Tooru said he hadn't been feeling well. He fell asleep in class. That wasn't like him. Sure, he stayed up until three in the morning just to wake up at seven, but he was usually fine once he got going. Had he really been that ill? Hajime wanted to hold him and kiss him better. 

"Obasan...what...?" He couldn't form the whole sentence. 

"Take him his homework and food. Since you'll be there, I'm going to go to the office for a little bit. Tell him I love him and I'll be back as soon as I can."

She pulled Hajime into a hug and kissed his cheek. He stared back at her, confused, frustrated. Why couldn't she just not go back to work? She could tell him she loved him in person, or better yet show him. All the memories of Tooru's disappointed face, or worse the tears in his eyes before the giant smile and joke flashed through Hajime's mind. 

"You're such a good boy," she smiled through tears. "You take good care of my baby when I can't, okay? I love you."

"I will," Hajime mumbled, stepping out of the car.

He felt so awkward going into the hospital, trying to navigate through the halls. Finally he found the right floor and walked down the corridor for the right room number. Hajime paused. It was quiet. The sound of the keys being stroked echoed from the nurses' station. Nobody looked up. He took a few deep breaths before knocking on the door as he opened it. 

"Did you remember the chicken, Mom?" Tooru's voice called. 

"No..." Hajime cleared his throat, eyes glued to the brown faux wood flooring. "Um...she...I ran into her at school and she gave me your food and homework. She's going to work." 

"Iwa-chan..." Tooru gasped. "No, you're not...why are you...but I thought..."

Hajime raised his eyes to look at him. At first he just seemed fine, but then he noticed the line running into his shirt. His eyes flicked to the bag. A bright yellow sticker brandishing a biohazard symbol with the word "CHEMOTHERAPY" in block characters sneered at him. 

Tooru was talking, but he couldn't hear him over the blood rushing in his ears. His heart pounded against his rib cage. A rush came over him, overwhelming. He threw the envelope at Tooru, dropping the food in the chair. Tunnel vision set in and he could only see Tooru. He felt rage take over. 

"What the fuck?" Hajime shouted, grabbing Tooru by the front of his shirt. "You didn't fucking tell me? What the fuck is wrong with you? Fuck you, Tooru. Fuck you. Fuck you. I fucking hate you! How could you? How..." 

His voice cracked as the rage faded, replaced by sadness. A lump in his throat cut off his breathing. There was a dull ache in the center of his chest as the tears started to spill over. He threw his arms around Tooru and started sobbing. 

"What the fuck?" He whispered into his shoulder. 

"I'm sorry," Tooru whispered back, hugging him close. "I didn't know how to tell you." 

"Maybe," Hajime managed, "say, 'hey, Iwa-chan, I'm really sick'? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't hate you. I love you. I love you so much." 

He fell into another round of sobs. Tooru was rubbing his back, telling him it was okay. Hajime's shirt was wet from the other boy's tears. They stayed like that for god knows how long. Even after the tears were gone, they sat there hugging. Hajime was the first to pull away. 

He stared at Tooru. His eyes were still glassy. His hair as perfect as ever. Hajime's eyes lingered on the boy's lips. 

"Do you want to know what it is?" Tooru's voice pulled him away from his thoughts. 

"Huh?"

"What kind it is...what's wrong..." Tooru pulled at the sleeves of his jacket. 

"Okay." 

"It's leukemia," Tooru whispered. "Um...it's called acute myeloid leukemia. I had to get a bone marrow biopsy, and it hurt so bad! I cried. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. This has all been so hard, and I just..." 

"I love you." Hajime cut him off.

 

"I know. I love you too. You're my best friend." The boy smiled at him, bright as ever. It was rather impressive how carefree he could make himself look. 

"No..." Hajime let out a shaking breath. "I mean...I'm in love with you. I don't know when it happened. I don't know why. I'm sorry, but I love you. I'm probably ruining everything, but I love you. I can't imagine my life without you. You're annoying and an asshole and you're conceited as fuck, but I love that about you. And you're perfect. I wouldn't change a single thing about you because fuck, Tooru, you're my best friend and you're perfect. I'm sorry. I just...you're really sick and I needed to tell you because what if I don't get the chance? And..." 

"Hajime," Tooru cut him off. "We can't..."

"I know," Hajime whispered, a tear falling down his face. "But I thought you should know. You don't have to say anything. I know you don't feel that way about me. I understand if you want me to go."

"No, Hajime...it's not that. I do...feel that way about you. But we can't be together. Not now." Tooru wiped a tear off his face. 

"I don't understand...if you love me back, then why?"

"I'm sick, Iwa-chan. Like...really sick. I have leukemia. Do you know what that means? I'm going to have at least three rounds of chemo, and then tons of treatments after called maintenance so it doesn't come back. It's only going to get worse. Once I'm better, we can, but not now. I can't ask you to do that..." 

Tooru chewed his lip, staring down at his lap. Hajime's heart clenched at seeing him look so defeated. He looked so childlike, the way he sat crossed legged, shoulders sagging, hair falling into his face. Growing up, he'd seen him look just like this so many times, but this time was different. This time he looked almost hopeless. 

"Dumbass..." Hajime muttered. 

"What?" Tooru glared at him. "I'm sick. You have to be nice to me."

Hajime scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You're supposed to be the smart one in our group. I'm beginning to worry." 

"You're being mean..." Tooru pouted. 

"Stop." Hajime shook his head. "I'm your best friend, right?" 

"Of course."

"So no matter what, I'm going to be there for you every step of the way, right?"

"Yeah."

"What does it matter if we're dating or not? I mean, if we both feel the same way...then I don't see any reason as to why we shouldn't. You're really sick, Tooru." Hajime looked away, glaring at the ceiling hoping the tears would leave. "What if something happens?"

"It won't. I'm gonna get better, dumb dumb." Tooru grinned. 

"But what if you don't? What if..." Hajime couldn't bring himself to say it. "You know..."

Tooru rolled his eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh. " I'm going to get better. Just watch! I know it. I'm going to get better." 

"Okay, but if you don't," Hajime covered Tooru's mouth. "Let me talk. If you don't, I don't want to regret not doing this. Please. For me. Just in case. And if you do get better, then I think it would only strengthen the relationship to go through something like this together? If we both feel the same, it doesn't make sense not to..." 

Tooru sighed, before looking up. His eyes were sparkling and he had a huge grin on his face. Hajime's heart skipped a beat. He waited nervously for Tooru to speak. His rubbed his palms against his track pants hoping to dry the sweat off of them. It seemed like a lifetime before Tooru nodded his head. Hajime's heart leapt. He pulled Tooru into a hug before kissing him gently. His lips were soft, warm. In that moment, he could have sworn he felt a spark. 

*************

The room was still. The television was droning on in the background. Hajime wasn’t paying attention. Tooru was curled up on him, sleeping soundly. He hadn’t stayed up all that long after the kiss. Apparently the chemo and drugs he’d gotten prior made him tired. There hadn’t been a single time in their lives that Hajime could think of that the boy slept this much. He didn’t mind it though. The weight of his best friend, no, boyfriend, was comforting. The corners of his lips twitched up when the thought of the word.

Boyfriend.

It was so simple; a word you heard every day. But this was special. This time Tooru was the subject of that word. His boyfriend. His best friend. His partner in crime. He thought back to all the times that they’d played pranks on their families, all the times they’d laughed over unspoken jokes together. It was perfect. It was theirs.

Hajime pulled Tooru closer, and kissed his head. The way the harsh hospital lights were shining on the boy made him look different. He couldn’t quite place it. In all the different lights that Hajime had seen him in, he’d never looked anything less than beautiful. But now, now he looked vulnerable, sick. That was what the lights did to him.

He opened his Instagram app, scrolling through the feed. Tooru had been the one to make the account for him. He had insisted that if he was his best friend, he needed to able to be tagged in things, _“And of course,” Tooru had said, “you’ll want to see me in all my glory!”_ Hajime had pushed him off the bed. They had laughed about it after Tooru had stopped pouting. He smiled at the memory. He found himself looking through the boy’s page.

He shook his head seeing how many follows Tooru had. It didn’t surprise in him the least, but at the same time he found it ridiculous. The boy was popular, Hajime had known that. But almost ten thousand follows? Sometimes it amazed him that this was the same person who only had one friend growing up. The same nervous kid who clung to Hajime when other kids were around.

He’d been bullied a lot when they were kids. Hajime had landed himself in the principal’s office so often his parents already knew when the phone rang, that he had gotten into a fight, and it was most definitely because of Tooru. Junior high had been the time when everything changed. Puberty was kind to Tooru and he switched to contacts. Volleyball was an official thing and he was good at it. He was always kind to anyone who talked to him. And suddenly the popularity took off, and he hadn’t reacted well. It went to his head, but it was such an act. Hajime remembered how scared he felt then that he’d lose his best friend. Tooru hinted at it occasionally which only made him angry.

Perhaps it was the memories. Or maybe it was the situation, even the way Tooru hugged him tighter in his sleep. Whatever the reason, Hajime found himself opening his own page, an Instagram of mostly aesthetics and music, and took a selfie of the two of them cuddled together. Never one to like pictures, even less selfies, he knew it was going to stir his friends. He didn’t care. It was the heat of the moment.

_IwaizumiHajime: Best and worst day of my life._

That was it. No tags. No explanation. Just a picture of him lying in the stiff hospital bed with Tooru in his arms, a slight smirk on his face. That was how it should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I love you all so much. 
> 
> I'm conflicted on something. Do y'all like nsfw or nah? I'm going back and forth on the matter. Thoughts?
> 
> Please leave a comment? It will make my day. And I also find that the motivation makes me write faster. <3


	6. Day 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii sorry this took a bit to update! I couldn't focus and I ended up writing day seven so that chapter should be good. haha
> 
> Also I'm going to start naming the chapters. I'll go back and name them. :)
> 
> Enjoy!

Hajime was quiet the past couple days. His head was static. There was too much to comprehend. The empty chair next to him was a painful reminder. There’d been several times he’d gone to say something only to realize Tooru was in the hospital and would be for the next two weeks. It was forever. He counted down the hours until he could go see him. Maybe he’d pick up chocolates for him on the way, better yet, milk bread.

The school had caught word that Tooru had quit the volleyball club, so his absence was highly noticed. Students were whispering in class, in the halls, even in practice. It was driving Hajime insane. It was impressive how fast the rumor mill went in the school even as large as Aoba Josai. He wanted to yell from the rooftops that none of their stupid rumors were true. In fact he had told a group of girls their theory about him getting to join the Japanese Nation Team was a flat out lie. It was annoying.

He had avoided all of Maki and Matsun’s questions and comments. In morning practice he had shouted at the team to stop spreading rumors and gossiping about their former captain. It had been two days. But he still refused to address it besides confirming that he did, in fact, know what was going on and had talked to Tooru about it, but that it was none of their business.

Now it was lunch, and he had his friends sitting opposite him with annoying smiles on their faces yet again. He wanted to slap the grins right off. Instead he just glared at them, before taking out his phone and texting Tooru. He wanted to keep him company even if he couldn’t be with him at the moment. He could feel Maki and Matsun staring at him expectantly, but he chose to ignore them.

“Okay, Iwaizumi, spill.” Matsun smirked the second Hajime had pocketed his phone. “Where is Oikawa and what is he doing?”

“I told you both it’s not your business. It’s private.” Hajime responded with a sigh. “I already told you guys in practice, and in class, and at break the past two days. Oikawa doesn’t want anyone to know right now. He’ll tell everyone when he’s ready, probably on Instagram because you both know he’s got a problem.” He rolled his eyes.

“Speaking of Instagram…” Maki started. “What was your post about the other night?”

“What post?” Hajime feigned confusion as he took a bite of his lunch.

“That one with Oikawa drooling on you. The best and worst day of your life post. I mean, sure, Oikawa drooling on you is gross, but does it really constitute as the worst day of your life? I’m sure he’s done it before.”

“Or maybe he’s into that and that’s why it’s the best day,” Matsun chimed in, causing Maki to laugh in response.

“Kinky.”

“Shut up,” Hajime rolled his eyes. “It was a really good time with him. You both know about my…crush…” He ignored the look on their faces. “I confessed to him that day. He felt the same. We’re together. It’s no big deal.”

“No big deal? You’ve been pining for the last year! Best day of his life and it’s no big deal, this guy says.” Matsun gestured to Maki.

“So you guys are dating?” Maki asked.

“Yes. You two are so ridiculous. People get together all the time. It’s not a big deal.” Hajime shrugged. “And it’s not like it’s earth shattering news. You two assholes caught on last year. It’s not a surprise.”

“Um, yeah, people get together all the time, but it’s not two of our best friends!” Matsun rolled his eyes.

“Since when do you two consider Oikawa one of your best friends?” Hajime scoffed.

“Since…Look that’s not important.” Matsun shook his head. “He’s grown on us. Tell me, how did it go? I have been waiting a year.”

“Details Iwazumi.” Maki crossed his arms.

“You two are ridiculous,” Hajime muttered rolling his eyes. “I found something out, and I just had to tell him. At first he was just saying we couldn’t because of this thing, but he felt the same way. And I told him I didn’t care about the thing because I’d be with him with the thing anyway, and what difference did it make if we were best friends or boyfriends because either way it was the same with the thing. I brought up the point that if we feel the same it would be stupid not to, you know? So he finally said yes, and we kissed and then cuddled and it was a good night. The thing is what made it the worst, so I can’t tell you. Now shut up and leave me eat and peace.”

Hajime ignored the excited chatter of the two while he ate. He liked them better when they weren’t gossiping about him and Tooru. Really they didn’t gossip at all. It was a strange turn of events. He barely finished eating when he had to go back to class.

**************  
The hospital room was empty. Sounds bounced off the walls in the silence. Tooru could hear everyone talking, all the alarms going off in other rooms, and the pages over the intercom service. He sighed. He didn’t want to do homework. He looked up at the bag connected to him, infusing the chemo. He was really starting to feel it now.

Day three.

He had read that really when you started to feel it. An hour into the infusion and already his stomach was churning. He pulled his knees to his chest, closing his eyes and trying to will the nausea away. It was a gross feeling. He hated it. He felt the rush of heat from his core. He found the trash can just in time as his stomach heaved, trying to expel the poison from his body. He waited a moment after he finished, breathing in nice deep breaths. He could do this. He stood up, grabbing hold of the metal IV pump he as connected to and went to the bathroom to wash out his mouth.

He stared at himself. His eyes were getting dark circles under them. His skin was beginning to look unhealthy. His hair was a mess. He didn’t care to fix it. It would just get messed up anyway. There was a slight burn when he swallowed. Probably from all the puking he’d done. It wasn’t really all the much so far. The vomiting would get worse, and soon he’d be experiencing the intestinal issues. He’d read about chemo causing sores. It didn’t sound pleasant.

Once he was back in bed, he looked over the texts Hajime had sent him with a smile. He wanted him there. He didn’t feel well. Every minute he was convinced he was getting worse. Tears filled his eyes as he texted him to come to the hospital as soon as he could.

_I need you, Hajime. Please come right after practice. Please? I’m sad and lonely… And I don’t feel good Xoxo_

**************  
A lump had been in Hajime’s throat all day after reading that text. He wished he could just skip practice and go, but he couldn’t. Tooru was all he could think about.

Practice wasn’t the same without Tooru. Yahaba’s tosses were fine, but they were nothing compared to Tooru. Hajime never realized how much he liked hitting the tosses the boy sent. The whistle blew ending practice. The team huddled around the coaches. Hajime hung back. He didn’t want to waste time listening to them go on for a half hour about strategy and plays. Hajime knew it all. The last three years they’d gone over it. The last three years he memorized it. And the last year, Tooru had been coming up with plays. His stomach knotted.

He slowly walked over, standing behind the team as they sat down or kneeled, exhausted from practice and needing the rest. Matsu glanced back at him before he and Maki joined Hajime. He ignored them as they whispered jokes to him. He didn’t feel like jokes. He didn’t care to hear what they had to say about him and Tooru. The lump slowly made its way up his throat once again. His chest was tight. He just wanted practice to end so he could go see Tooru. He said he needed him.

“Alright, guys. You did good work. I know there are some growing pains with Oikawa being gone, but you’re all handling it well. Yahaba, you’re really doing a great job, but remember to toss to your individual servers. Not all tosses are the best.” Mizoguchi started.

That was new. Hajime shifted. Starting with complements? He rolled his eyes and glared at his feet. This was so pointless. Tears blurred his vision. He gripped his arms, fingers digging into the flesh. He clenched his jaw as he tried to take deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. His racing heart reluctantly slowed.

“Dude, are you okay?” Maki nudged him.

“Shut up.” He muttered.

“Guys, we need to talk to you about something. Please, sit.” Mizoguchi’s voice was low and soft.

Hajime couldn’t sit. He couldn’t move from where he was. If he sat down, he would fall apart. All his life, standing had helped him keep composure; he knew that much. He had to stay standing. That was the only way to be strong. Tooru wasn’t ready for everyone to know. Hell, he hadn’t been ready for him to know. He was getting annoyed and frustrated. Part of him was ready to just walk out. To hell with what they wanted to tell them. Tooru needed him and he knew his parents sure as hell weren’t there. They never were.

“Iwazumi.” Irahata’s voice was sharp. “Are you okay?” His eyebrows knitted in concern.

“Yes, sir.” He forced his voice to be steady, but he heard the slight tremor in in. His eyes scanned his teammates trying to figure out if anyone had noticed.

“Sit down.”

Hajime shook his head as he started to sway back and forth. His body was trembling. He desperately needed to hide it. Nobody was supposed to know. Irahata sighed. Mizoguchi was standing next to him now, a hand on his shoulder. He leaned over to his ear.

“We’re going to tell them. If it’s too much, you can leave.”

Maki and Matsun were staring at them. His muscles tightened. His heart threatened to burst from his chest. His stomach churned. So this was what they were going to tell him. This was important. He pulled every ounce of strength in him to look straight ahead at Irahata. Mizoguchi was still next to him, his arms crossed as he rocked back on his heels.

“You all know that Oikawa resigned from the team. The reason up until now was kept private at his request, but in light of rumors we felt that it needed to be addressed and we have asked for permission. As you know, it was not an easy resignation.” He paused, licking his lips. He swallowed, eyes focusing on the ceiling of the gym for a moment. “It’s with a heavy heart that I tell you boys that Oikawa was diagnosed with leukemia last week.”

Silence echoed in Hajime’s ears. He swallowed hard, but couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He aggressively wiped the tears away. It was taking everything in him not to turn around and walk out of the gym. Eyes were on him, eyes wide, mouths open. Everyone knew how close they were. Everyone knew they’d grown up together. He felt their pity and he hated it. He stared straight ahead, not daring to make eye contact with any of them.

“A team is a sort of family,” Irahata continued, his voice raised slightly, “and it is our duty as a family to support him in this even though he cannot be here.”

A moment more of silence before the buzzing of the voices filled the gym. Hajime couldn’t deal with anymore. He walked to the side of the gym, picking up his gym bag and making sure everything was there. A quick shower and then the rest of the evening with Tooru. He was so thankful for the weekend. They’d curl up together and watch every dumb documentary Tooru loved. He was alone and scared, even if he tried to hide it. Tooru didn’t deserve to be alone, just like when they were kids.

“Irahata-san?” Yahaba’s voice rose above the others.

Hajime glanced over his shoulder. The second year was now standing in front of the team. Hajime ran his tongue over his bottom lip, waiting to hear what the boy had to say.

“Yes?”

“I was thinking that just because Oikawa-san is sick, doesn’t mean he still can’t be our captain. He’s gotten hurt before and that didn’t change. We voted him captain for a reason. He’s never let us down. I think we should ask him to stay, if that’s not too much.”

Hajime was floored. He blinked at the boy’s proposition. He wouldn’t have expected that from him, from any of the underclassmen really. Many of them seemed a bit intimidated by Tooru. He and the other third years joked about it all the time. An eruption of agreement spread through the team.

“That’s a very honorable thing, Yahaba. We’ll put it to a vote then?” The boys nodded. “Everyone in favor of asking Oikawa to remain captain and join us when he’s well enough, please raise your hand.”

A new set of tears spilled over onto his cheeks. He pulled out his phone, quickly recording the moment. He knew Tooru would love to see it. As much as he acted confident, Hajime knew it much of it was an act. Hajime didn’t see a single hand not raised.

“Anyone not in favor of Oikawa staying captain, raise your hand.” Not a soul. “Okay then it’s decided. Iwaizumi?”

Hajime took a breath, pocketing his phone. “Yes, sir?”

“Are you going to see him now?” Hajime nodded. “Can you ask?”

“Yeah,” he breathed.

“You boys go home. Eat a good dinner. Rest up. No practice this weekend.”

*****************  
Seven pm.

Practice had just ended, and like clockwork Tooru’s phone began blowing up as teammates started texting, or sending him messages on Line. They all had his number in case they needed something. He read each one. It was overwhelming really, seeing all of the support. Even though he’d become popular in junior high, there was always the shy little kid in him that was shocked that people actually cared for him, that he had friends. He replied to Matsun, Maki, and Yahaba, but the messages kept coming. He couldn’t respond to everyone. Instead he opened Instagram, taking a picture of himself in the hospital, making it obvious.

_**OikawaTTTTooru** : Hiiiiii everyone! So some of you have probably heard, and I’m sure there are rumors. Now that my family, Iwa-chan, my other friends, and my teammates have heard the news, I feel like I should announce this. It’s been so hard for me to say out loud and even to write in person. I got diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. I’m day three out of seven of chemotherapy. I get it once a day for the first week, then off two weeks.. It makes me tired and nauseous, but it’s okay because it’s making me get better. Because of my illness, I’m not able to play volleyball anymore, but the coaches said that I should stay captain since I wanted it, so when I’m healthy enough, just know I’ll be there with my team. I love you all so much. I think I’m going to document everything so when things are hard in my life after I get better, I can see this journey and think to myself just how strong I am.  
To my friends, family, and team: Thank you so much for all the love and support. I really appreciate all the messages. Please don’t feel bad if I don’t reply. It would take forever and I don’t feel well. #Confession #Leukemia #TeamTooru #AlwaysStayPositive _

He closed the app, deciding he wasn’t going to check it that night. He didn’t want to see all the replies. He didn’t want the pity. His phone buzzed with a text from Hajime.

_On my way._

*****************

Hajime walked in the door of the hospital room. Tooru glanced at him from the top of his laptop and smiled. He was exhausted, but he had to keep up in school and if that meant doing homework while getting chemo, then that’s what it took. He was a firm believer in if you’re going to do something, do it with everything you’ve got. He was going to go to space one day. He was sure of that.

“Hey,” Hajime sat down on the edge of the bed, pulling Tooru to him in a hug before kissing him. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay,” Tooru beamed. “I’m almost done with this essay.”

“Which one?” Hajime glanced at the screen. “Move over so I can sit with you.”

Tooru nodded, making room. He closed the laptop and put it in his bag. He’d been working on schoolwork all day, but now that Hajime was here, all he wanted to do was cuddle and talk and just be His eyes were getting blurry, and kind of felt itchy. His contacts were probably dried out. He reached over and grabbed his eye drops hoping it would help.

He rested his head on Hajime’s shoulder, shifting slightly as Hajime pulled him to him. Tooru waited while the boy got comfortable before settling in. He closed his eyes and listened to the boy’s heart for a moment. How many times had they curled up together in the past? How many times had he leaned against him and heart that sound not thinking anything about it? The thing about him getting sick was that he started realizing all the things he loved that he’d always taken for granted. Not anymore. He was going to live life to the fullest, even after he got better.

“How was your day?” Tooru asked, looking up at him. “You’re not in your uniform?”

“It’s Friday,” Hajime laughed softly. “We don’t have a practice match this week. We had a short practice this evening, but I figured I’d go home and shower and change before coming to see you. I know that stuff kills your immune system. I don’t want to get you sick.”

“Oh…” Tooru frowned. “I’m going crazy, Iwa-chan. I’m losing track of all my days. And I am so tired.”

“I’ll get you a calendar.”

“With aliens?” 

“With aliens.” Hajime let out a soft laugh. “You’re such a nerd.”

“But you love me!” Tooru kissed his cheek.

“Oh,” Hajime sat up pulling his phone out. “You have to see this. Coach told the team and well, watch this.” 

Tooru took the phone, a small smile on his face. It was a video of the team. Probably something cheesy, like telling him to get better or something. He pressed play. He gasped when he heard the vote. Tears pricked in his eyes. He curled into Hajime, crying happy tears. He looked up at him. 

“So?” Hajime asked. “What do you say?”

“How could I say no? Wow…” Tooru shook his head. “Nobody said no.” He blinked slowly, leaning against Hajime thinking. They stayed that way for a while, just cuddling while Tooru took it all in. 

Hajime pulled his arm away and leaned back. Tooru took it as a sign to sit up. He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus on the wall to make his eyes focus. It wasn’t helping. He sighed and leaned back.

He felt Hajime staring at him. Tooru glanced at him. The boy was frowning slightly, his eyes focused and distant. Tooru could tell he was thinking. That cute far-away look was a sure sign. He reached up and brushed Tooru’s hair back, and played with it for a moment.

“Hey, Tooru?” he started.

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you a question, and promise not to freak out?”

“What is it, Iwa-chan?”

Hajime took a breath and pulled his knees up. His eyebrows knit and his frown was more intense. Tooru nudged him and smiled.

“What is it?”

“You’re going to lose your hair…right?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

Tooru’s heart skipped a beat and his stomach twisted. He opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He hadn’t thought about it. Of course he’d known it was going to happen, but he hadn’t actually thought about it. Now that Hajime had asked the question, it felt real.

“Yes.” Tooru tried to keep his voice pleasant. “But when I get better it’ll grow back. It’s just hair, Hajime.” He forced a giggle.

“Well I was thinking…you might get cold. I mean, it does a lot to keep you warm, right? And you’re such a vain person.” Hajime shot a grin at him. “What if you look weird?”

“You know I’ll still be gorgeous. I can pull it off.” Tooru grinned.

Hajime rolled his eyes. “I’m trying to mess with you and be serious and it’s not working.”

“It is! Just tell me,” Tooru crossed his legs and rested his chin in his hands.

“I thought maybe you could use this.”

Hajime leaned down and picked up his backpack. He turned back to Tooru holding one of his snapbacks. Hajime plopped the hat on backward the same way he wore it. His eyes sparkled when he looked at Tooru.

“It looks good on you.” He smiled. “Not as good as me though.”

“Iwa-chan, I always look better than you,” Tooru sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up,” Hajime smacked him gently.

“Ow, Iwa-cha, you’re so mean to me!” Tooru cried.

“Hey,” Hajime tugged him to by the front of his shirt.

“Hi,” Tooru breathed.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Tooru grinned. “Oh! I have to take a picture for my Instagram!”

“Tooru…” Hajime groaned, but didn’t pull away.

Tooru wrapped his arm around the boy’s shoulders hugging them tight, holding up a peace sign with one hand, and grinning as he held the phone in the other hand. Hajime crossed his arms and tried to look annoyed with the whole thing. He never liked pictures, but Tooru did and he was dead set on documenting his road to getting better so that everyone could know and see.

“Iwa-chan, be cute. For me? Please?” Tooru kissed his cheek. “Pleeeeeeease?”

“Fine. But you know I hate selfies.” Hajime muttered. “Let me take it though. You’re all shaky.”

“Oh…” Tooru hadn’t noticed. He handed the phone to the boy. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Tooru posed again, happy that Hajime did his cute smirk. He begged for one more which Hajime begrudgingly accepted. Tooru kissing Hajime’s cheek. It ended up turning into a photoshoot. One with Hajime kissing Tooru’s cheek. One where they were just kissing. One cuddling. Hajime looked so sweet in all the pictures. Tooru was so pleased.

He posted the first one on Instagram, typing a short message underneath.

_**OikawaTTTTooru** : Day 3 of chemo and Iwa-chan brought me one of his snapbacks! The chemo’s going to make me start losing my hair in a week or two, maybe sooner, maybe longer. The doctors say it depends. Anyway Iwa-chan decided to bring me a hat. We match! I think I look cuter than Iwa-chan, don’t you? I love every single one of you! #blessed #BestFriendsForever #ILoveHim #GoAwayLeukemia #ChemoSucks #AlwaysStayPositive #TeamTooru _

He smiled at the picture. It really was the cutest. He did look pretty good in the snapback. Maybe he really would wear it when it all happened. Almost instantly he started getting comments.

_**Matsun12** : You still look like a loser Oikawa! Xoxo_

_**HanamakinMeCrazy15** : Omg, Iwazumi, why the fuck are you encouraging him to share his ugly mug?_

_**Volleybaby13** : Ahhhhh! Oikawa-san, you’re always so gorgeous! Get well soon! Xoxo #TeamTooru _

“Why are you on your phone? Stop. Come here.” Hajime pulled him into a hug. “Let’s watch something. I don’t think the TV will let us watch what you like, so we can watch it on my laptop, or yours. I really don’t care. I just want to spend time with you.” Hajime kissed his temple.

“Just let me post one more? Please?” Tooru frowned.

“Fine…” Hajime growled and crossed his arms, an annoyed expression on his face.

“Aw, don’t be like that, Iwa-chan! I promise I’ll put my phone away in just a minute!” Tooru pecked a kiss to Hajime’s nose.

He made a collage of the pictures they took, arranging them in the best way he could think of before posting, and writing a small blurb.

_**OikawaTTTTooru** : Three days ago my life changed in two ways. One, I started chemo. Two, my best friend confessed how much he loves me. I cannot describe how much I love this boy. Growing up with him has been such an honor. We met each other when we were three and we’ve been inseparable ever since. We laugh, cry, fight, joke, everything in between, but I love him. He loves me. I never thought I’d get this day. It’s been such an easy transition from best friends to boyfriends, and it’s no surprise to me, though I’m surprised Iwa-chan is so much more cuddly and affectionate. I feel like I can do anything with him by my side. I love you, Hajime. #ILoveHim #Blessed #BestFriendsForever #FriendsToLover #MyBoyfriendIsHotterThanYours_

_**Matsun12** : Gross. Get a room… @ **OikawaTTTTooru** @ **IwaizumiHajime**_

_**IwaizumiHajime** : @ **Matsun12** Shut the fuck up_

_**OikawaTTTTooru** : @ **Matsun12** RUDE!!! We’re adorable. Thank you very much. _

Tooru giggled softly and tossed his phone in his backpack as promised. Hajime set up his laptop and started a documentary Tooru picked out. They were cuddled up, Tooru resting his head on Hajime’s chest, his arms wrapped around him. He hadn’t realized how tired he had been until now. He fought to keep his eyes open, but they were too heavy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much! I'm so happy you read this! *hugs* *fist bumps people who don't like hugs*
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! Please, please comment! :) xoxo


	7. Day 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update. I was really struggling with it. I didn't want it to feel like a filler chapter, but it kind of is, but it's important. I needed to establish some relationships and it felt out of place before and didn't fit later. The next chapter will be great! I'm excited about it. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Tooru flipped through his lesson absently, unable to focus on anything. His eyes were so itchy and sore. He hated the eye drops he had to use, and the antibiotics he had to get. The news had broken his heart that he couldn’t wear contacts for the rest of his time on chemo. The risk was too high. He could go blind or lose an eye. It was fair, and truth be told he was anxious. He wanted to get out of bed and pace, or go for a run like he used to. He was too weak, too sick. He couldn’t go outside right now. He couldn’t even leave the room. There was a teen lounge with video games and different things for teenagers, but his doctor told him he wasn’t allowed because his immune system was compromised.

The fact that he was told this eye infection was the first of many infections and illnesses scared him so much. He hated being sick. He hadn’t been sick since he was a little kid. In fact the last time he was sick, he convinced his mom to stay home with him and he cuddled with her all day while they marathoned Star Wars together. While he hated being sick, he did miss the closeness with his mom.

If he just told her how he felt, if he just asked her to stay, she would. They had had so many conversations about her working. She always questioned it, always considered retirement. She was in her sixties. Sometimes Tooru felt like he’d ruined all their plans. They’d been done having children and he surprised them. Instead of just being able to focus on work, they had to worry about him. He knew how much it meant to his mom to have a career. She’d waited so long after Keishi was born to be able to get into her field again. Tooru could see how torn she was. It made him so sad to see that look: Her eyes watery, eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed. Each time was after they’d talked and she realized she knew nothing about him. She was looking to him for validation as a mother, as a career woman.

Tooru wanted her to be happy. He loved his mother so much. He knew work made her happy. He saw the light in her eyes when she talked about what she did. His parents were biomedical engineers. They worked together, had met in college. She was a pioneer as a woman in a predominantly male field, and she loved that. She loved inspiring girls. He knew she wished his sister, Nami, was into science like him and Keishi.

Tooru couldn’t tell her no. He didn’t have it in him. He couldn’t ask her to leave no matter what. He was fine. His dad told him it was just leukemia. Kids got it all the time and did so well with it. It was very curable. That was reassuring to him. His dad was right. Leukemia sucked, but it could be worse. He kept that in his mind. He could have something far worse. He was healthy before, an athlete. He kept a good diet and took runs with Hajime every day. He had practice most days. He trained as much as he could. It kept him healthy. Tooru had a good spirit. He was stubborn and optimistic, even with his constant self-doubt. He had learned to smile through everything. He would get better. He would beat it. Three months and he’d be fine. It would be selfish to ask his mother to take off three months, potentially getting her fired. He would rather she went to work. That way she could be happy, that way she could take her mind off things.

He pulled his knees to his chest, pushing away his lessons. He laid his head on his arms and stared out the window. He just wanted his mom, that was all he wanted. But he couldn’t ask her, wouldn’t. He refused. She deserved better. He hated how they acted so annoyed with him. It was where most of his self-doubt came from. He knew he was going to get better and in three months, this would all be a thing of the past, but right now he was that scared little boy who just needed his mom.

There was a knock at the door. Tooru turned his head, not moving from his current position. Hajime walked in, a smile on his face, followed by his parents. Tooru smiled at them. Hajime made a beeline toward him, hugging him tight and giving him a kiss.

“I brought you a present and visitors!”

Hajime grinned, handing Tooru small container. He pushed him over so he could sit next to him. Tooru opened it up and smiled when he saw the milk bread. Hajime’s mom sat next to him giving a tight hug and kissing his cheek. She held him close. Tooru leaned against her, happy to have his second mom holding him. If his actual mom couldn’t be there at least Hajime’s mom could be.

“We made you milk bread last night when Hajime got home. He helped.” She pulled him against her, resting her chin on his head.

“Thank you, obachan!” Tooru smiled, cuddling closer.

“How are you feeling, Tooru?” Hajime’s dad asked, sitting at the foot of the bed. “Hajime tells us you been nauseous and tired.”

Tooru nodded. “I don’t feel good, but it’s okay! I’m almost done. Three more doses! The doctor said I have to stay another week after I finish because my immune system’s going to be knocked out, and I might have to get a blood transfusion. It’s okay though. I’m going to get steroids before I go home that will help me feel better and boost my immune system. I might be tired, but he said I’ll be able to exercise if I want. I’m super excited because I’m feeling really restless and want to race Hajime again.”

“I’m not going easy on you,” Hajime nudged him with a smirk.

“I don’t want you to.” He turned his attention back to Hajime’s dad. “Thank you for asking, Ojichan.”

“Hajime tells us that you two are a couple now,” Hajime’s mom smiled. “That’s so nice. I am so happy for you.” Tooru nodded, smile on his face.

“I’m really happy with that.”

They were quiet for a little while, Tooru leaning against the woman who had done more for him than he could ever thank her for. She had been such a big part of his life, and in some ways, she had raised him more than his own mother. He hated those thoughts, but it was true. He closed his eyes, feeling her arms around him, the soft up and down of her chest as she breathed. She smoothed his hair with her hand, plant a kiss on his temple before speaking.

“Do you need more time with me or do you want to cuddle up to Hajime?” She smiled down him.

“I like this,” Tooru murmured. “But I like Hajime too…I guess.”

“Shut up,” Hajime nudged him, a smirk on his face. Tooru stuck his tongue out him.

“Do you need to go somewhere, Obachan?” He looked up at her.

“No. We came to visit you for as long as you need. It’s the weekend, so we don’t have work or really anything to do. Hajime was going to come spend the day, so we decided to come too. Has your sister come in yet?”

“No,” Tooru sighed. “She’s been trying, but where’s she’s at has been having a blizzard and the flights are grounded. But she told me this morning she was able to fly out today. She’ll be here tonight.”

“That will be nice. Is she still writing?” Tooru nodded. “Good. She’s always loved it. I remember she was in the writing club in high school. I used to be jealous. I’ve never been that creative.”

“You’re plenty creative, Miyu,” Hajime’s father smiled, his eyes twinkling as he looked at her.

“Not like Nami, Mikio.”

Tooru was always in such awe by Hajime’s parents. The way they looked at each other and spoke, the way they hugged, and told each other they loved each other was always comforting to him. He wanted that. It was obvious the two were in love and best friends. Watching them made Tooru want to cuddle Hajime. He pulled away from the woman to Hajime.

The nurse came in with his dose of the day. The Iwaizumi’s moved out of the way so the nurse could get him set up. Tooru hated it. He felt the rush of the pre-chemo drugs hit his brain leaving him spinning and ready to sleep. His eyelids fluttered. He buried his face in Hajime’s chest, his hands holding fistfuls of his shirt while sleep took him.

……………………………

The fifth dose of chemo made its way into Tooru’s body. He stared at the bag. He would never get over the label, the biohazard sticker screaming to everyone around it to stay away. The nurse had to wear special equipment to even handle it. Yet here he was with it slowly infusing directly into his aorta to be sent to his entire body. It was poison, a pesticide to cancer. They kept telling him it was only meant to help him. It was laughable. Each day was worse than the next. Waking up from his slumber to sore eyes reminded him of the infection. There was more to come apparently, as if he wasn’t sick enough. His throat ached from the sores developing. Food tasted metallic and bitter. His body rejected it as soon as he swallowed it. If the chemo hadn’t been giving him sores in his mouth and throat, the vomiting sure would have done a wonderful job as it was.

Why couldn’t he just sleep through it all? The medicines they gave him that usually knocked him out made him sleep maybe an hour or two. He was exhausted constantly, but sleep was so hard. He felt so sick. If only he could fast forward two weeks when he’d get his steroids and be home, feeling better. He would even watch what Hajime wanted. Anything to get him out of the hospital and away from chemo.

A single tear fell down his cheek. He wiped it away only to have tears cascade down his cheeks. This wasn’t fair. He didn’t know how much more he could take. He kept trying to tell himself it was just two more days. Just three doses and he would be a third of the way through this hell. If he could just get through this round and the next two, he’d be better and he could put it behind him. He would go back to school, get stronger, and hopefully get to play again. He could do it. He just had to be strong.

But it was so hard.

“Hey…” Hajime set down his textbook and pulled him into a hug. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“I hate this, Iwa-chan…” he whispered.

“I know. God, I know. Shit.” Hajime squeezed him tighter, planting a kiss to his forehead. “I’m sorry. I wish I could make it all go away.”

“You can’t though.” Tooru pulled away and looked at him with a tearful smile. “But you can help make it manageable.”

“Tell me what you need.”

Tooru laid back down against Hajime’s chest. He closed his eyes and listened to his heart. He breathed him in. Hajime had an arm around him while he rubbed Tooru’s back in an attempt to soothe him. Tooru squeezed Hajime tighter. They were quiet, just enjoying the moment.

A knock at the door broke the silence in the room. Hajime tried to straighten up, but Tooru held him tight, whimpering slightly. Hajime resigned to his fate, putting his arms back around him. Tooru didn’t look up, didn’t move. He wanted to pretend he was asleep so he wouldn’t be forced to do anything he didn’t want to do. He felt so powerless lately. He would take whatever he could get. If he was asleep, the doctor or nurse would quietly assess him and leave. His nurse might hook up his chemo, or disconnect it and flush it through. But there were no questions.

“Onii-chan, hi,” Hajime’s voice was pleasant, happy.

“Hi…um…is he…is Tooru asleep?” Keishi stumbled through his sentence.

“No!” Tooru jumped up, a smile on his face. Dizziness filled his head, and blurred his vision. He fell back against Hajime. “Sorry…” Tooru mumbled.

Keishi sucked his teeth, shaking his head. He walked over to the IV pump, examining the bag and the pump itself. Tooru watched him silently. He had no idea what any of it meant, he just let them give him the medicine. Keishi frowned, turning his attention to his younger brother.

“They’ve got you on some hard stuff…” He frowned. “Sorry…I’ve just never visited you during a transfusion. Are you okay? Other than being dizzy? Move more slowly and you’ll prevent that, okay?” He sat down and brushed Tooru’s hair out of his eyes.

“Okay.” Tooru offered a smile. “I’m great!”

“Stop lying,” Hajime nudged him. “He’s your fucking brother.”

“Language.” Keishi warned.

“You’re so old,” Hajime laughed.

Keishi rolled his eyes. “You’re vulgar.”

Hajime laughed, shaking his head. Tooru didn’t feel like talking. He answered his brother’s questions, not saying more. His stomach was churning. He was just focusing on trying to fight his body as it worked against him. Why couldn’t everything just behave? He just wanted to get this all over with instead of waging war with his own body who had always done so well by him. He couldn’t help wondering if this was its way of getting back at him for all the times he over trained and abused it. If given the chance he would never do it again. He would take care of his body and listen to it next time.

As if his body were answering, Tooru felt the heat rise from his stomach to his entire body just before his stomach lurched. He grabbed the trash can just in time as the content of his stomach were expelled violently. Tears sprang to his eyes. He closed them, focusing on trying to stop. Hajime was rubbing his back gently, offering comforting words in his ear. Tears fell down Tooru’s face. He just wanted it to stop.

Finally he was sure it was over. Still, he stayed in place just in case his body was luring him into a false sense of security. He didn’t trust it anymore. Hajime pressed a kiss to his neck from behind him. He felt the trash can being pulled from his hands. He opened his eyes to see Keishi kneeling in front of him, his eyebrows furrowed. He handed Tooru a wet rag and a cup of water to rinse his mouth. Tooru took them silently. Once he was done, Keishi took them back with gloved hands. Seeing the blue on his brother’s hands made his heart sink. More tears fell from his eyes. It was just one more reminder how sick he was. He glanced back at the bag of chemo still transfusing into him. Biohazard. Poison.

Hajime pulled him into a hug, brushing his tears away with his sleeve. He welcomed the secure touch. He turned his body to face Hajime, holding tight as he tried to calm his breathing. Hajime kissed Tooru’s cheek.

“Shhhh, it’s okay.”

“Hajime…” Keishi started. “You really shouldn’t come into contact with any of his body fluids right now. Some of the chemo can be there and it will harm you.”

“I don’t give a fuck,” Hajime snapped. “I’m not going to just make him cry alone. I’m not going to wear gloves to touch him. Do you not understand how dumb that is? Why is it okay for him to get four hours a day for seven days of that shit, but I can’t wipe away his tears? Explain that Keishi.”

“You need to remember yourself, Hajime.” Keishi’s voice was stern. “You forget I’m much older than you.”

“I. Do. Not. Care.” Hajime glared. “You’ve never once in your entire life cared how Tooru and I talk to you and now you want to demand respect? Give me a break.”

“I am just trying to protect you, okay? You might not know that. I’m an oncologist. I love you both so much, and if something happened to you, Hajime, it would kill me. Messing with that can cause you to get sick too. Do you want that?” Keishi’s words were getting momentum.

Tooru couldn’t stand it. He needed quiet. “Please stop…” Tooru pleaded.

“I’m sorry,” Hajime muttered.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry too, Tooru.”

Tooru nodded. He stared out the window instead of engaging in conversation, trying his hardest not to throw up again. He focused on the clouds floating past the window. When he was little, he would look up at them and try to see the shapes they made. He and Hajime used to tell stories with the clouds. It had always been fun. He played with Hajime’s hand as he started to imagine. A lion floated past the window, a teddy bear following. He felt his mind clearing, and his fears starting to fade.

……………………………

“It’s not fair, Iwa-chan!” Tooru complained.

Hajime was sitting on the bed watching him. He was leaning onto his IV pole as he paced back and forth. Begrudgingly, Tooru had agreed to walk around during his transfusion at the advice from the nurse once he started feeling better. Lying in bed too long wasn’t good for anyone, especially not someone who was sick because it could cause pneumonia. Tooru had refused Hajime’s offer to help him since he was so weak. Right now, Hajime was more focused on making sure his boyfriend didn’t fall than what he was saying.

“Hajime, are you even listening to me?” Tooru stared at him, a hurt expression on his face.

“Yes, but I’m worried you’re going to fall,” he admitted.

“I won’t.” Tooru sighed. He sat down next to Hajime. “And since you’re not paying attention to me, I’m going to talk to you like this.”

“You’re supposed to walk,” Hajime started.

Tooru covered his mouth. “I will. But listen to me first.”

Hajime rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

“Okay.” Tooru smiled, a satisfied look on his face. “It’s not fair that I can’t wear contacts anymore until I’m done with chemo just because I got a stupid eye infection. I’ve had eye infections before! You know, it’s so dumb that I am doomed to wear glasses for the next three months or more. Chemo is so awful. Did you hear what the doctor said, Iwa-chan? About my eyes? You know what he said? Iwa-chan, do you know what he said?” Tooru gripped his arm, his expression serious.

“No, tell me.” Hajime rested his head in his hand.

“He said that infections on my eyes could cause me to go blind or even lose an eye! Can you believe it? Just because the stupid chemo thinks it can just wipe out my immune system. It’s really rude. It’s so tragic, Iwa-chan. I’m so pretty with contacts. I hate my glasses. I hate them. I look stupid. I am too pretty for glasses, Iwa-chan.” Tooru let out and exasperated sigh.

“You wear them all the time…” Hajime narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah, when I have to. Like when my contacts are hurting my eyes. Or when I’m getting ready for bed. Or when I have an infection. And I usually only do that around you, my family, and your family. Nobody else. Because I look like a loser, okay?”

“To be fair, you always look like a loser,” Hajime deadpanned.

“You’re really mean.” Tooru pouted for a moment before continuing on. “I am too pretty and too popular to have to wear glasses. I mean did you know that I could change my eye color if I wanted to with contacts? It’s amazing. It’s like magic. If aliens came here, they would be so fascinated by me, okay? What about now? Now they’ll just laugh at me. But I mean, I wouldn’t because, like, my eyes are such a pretty shade of brown. Why would I want to change that?”

“Oh. My. God. Shut up…” Hajime rubbed his face. “You are so fucking conceited.”

“Am not. I’m just being honest and you know it.”

“Why do you think if aliens came to Earth, they’d be interested in your fucking contacts? You know how many people wear contacts, Trashykawa? A lot. You’re not special. You look fine with glasses. You need to stop. Actually, I think you are super cute with your glasses on. Like a much bigger nerd. I think they suit you.” Hajime offered a smile.

“You don’t get it…” Tooru’s voice was defeated.

Tooru pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them. His eyes were focused on the ground. Hajime watched him for a moment, unsure of what was going on. His mood had changed from complaining about what a travesty it was that he couldn’t wear contacts to being quiet and staring at the ground. That was never good. His breath caught when he saw tears start falling down the boy’s face. Tooru brushed them off silently.

“Hey, Tooru, what’s wrong? I didn’t mean anything. I mean I meant what I said about you being cute, but not the rude stuff. I’m sorry.” Hajime rubbed his back, pulling him into a hug.

“It’s not you,” Tooru whispered.

“Then what is it? Are you feeling sick again? Do you want me to get the nurse?”

Tooru shook his head and curled up against Hajime, silent tears running down his face. He hugged him, and kissed his cheek. Tooru didn’t move or say a word for the longest time despite Hajime’s prying. He had all but given up on getting an answer from him. He knew how hard it was to pry his best friend open when he wanted to clam up. He’d talk when he wanted to. He just had to be there and pester him every so often.

“What if everyone hates me again?” Tooru whispered.

“What?”

“What if I nobody likes me anymore? What if everyone’s mean to me again because I have to wear my stupid glasses?” Tooru’s voice cracked.

“What? Tooru, that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yes, it does!” Tooru snapped, pulling away. “Everyone hated me and was mean to me and then I got contacts and everyone was nice to me! They’re all going to hate me again!”

“Tooru…That’s not…” Hajime took a moment to contemplate his words. “That was just kids being mean. Kids are assholes sometimes. Things got better in junior high because there were new people and it was a new stage in life. People like you because of who you are. You’re kind to everyone unless you hate them, which isn’t very many people. You listen to people when they talk to you. If you see a kid who doesn’t have friends, you talk to them. You stand up for people. Sure, some people don’t like you because you are a bit arrogant at times. But it has nothing to do with your glasses.”

“But people used to be so mean, Iwa-chan. Remember? They used to push me down and make fun of me. They would hit me. You were there. You got into fights with them.” Tooru insisted.

“Yeah, I remember. You were a scared, shy little kid that people picked on, but you’re not now. You’re one of the most popular guys at school.”

“You said it yourself. Kids are mean.” Tooru muttered.

“Look, you still have me, okay? If anyone is mean to you and it’s not because you were an asshole to them, then I’m going to be there, okay? Not only that, now you have Matsun and Maki to help. And there’s the team. We all care about you. Hell the majority of Seijoh would defend you. You have an army of girls dying to date you, who now look at me with jealous eyes. You think glasses are going to change that? We’re in high school. Sure, there are jerks and assholes. You call them out. But Tooru, we’re not children. People like you.” Hajime took his shoulders, and shook him. “They. Like. You.”

Tooru’s eyes were still staring at the bed, a doubtful look on his face. Hajime groaned and pulled his boyfriend toward him and kissed. “I love you. Me. I love you. You don’t need them. It’s been you and me from the beginning, okay? If anything happens, you have me. I love you, okay?”

“I love you too, Hajime.” Tooru hugged him, burying his face in his shoulder. “You’re my best friend.”

Tooru and Hajime cuddled the rest of the evening. Hajime even got to pick the shows. Tooru didn’t fight it, he didn’t have the energy. Besides he was won most of the time, and it wasn’t like he didn’t like what Hajime wanted. It just wasn’t what he wanted. He felt himself getting into the shows, feeling comfort wrap his arms around him. It felt like only a minute passed when Hajime closed his laptop and started packing up. He had school in the morning and couldn’t stay. Tooru kissed him before watching him leave. 

Once Hajime had left, Tooru cried into his arms.

…………………………...  
Lightning flashed outside the hospital wind followed by a sickening clap of thunder that shook the windows and walls of the small room. Tooru shivered, hugging his knees, eyes glued to the window. The curtains were still pulled back. Rain was slamming down against the glass. He was sure it would cause it to break. He’d been hoping to get to see the stars tonight, but he realized that wouldn’t be a possibility. With the storm raging like this, he was certain he’d have no visitors, nobody to keep him company, and keep his anxiety at bay.

The lights were off, amplifying the storm. The television flickered against the dark lights. He couldn’t pay attention. His heart threatened to jump from his chest. He was trembling. He’d never liked storms. He liked rain, but storms were another story. Tooru internally begged the nurse to come in to check on him for vitals or whatever she needed. He hated being alone.

A knock on the door coupled with a roll of thunder had him jumping out of his skin. He closed his eyes, steadying his breath. Harsh light from the halls flooded the room, causing him to blink several times. The low light was flipped on without warning, making him hide his eyes in his arms.

“I’m sorry!” A familiar voice said.

He looked up, smiling at the familiar multicolored hair that always reminded him of space. His sister, Nami, ran her hand through it, a concerned look of her face. Her wrist was still full of the many bracelets she often wore. It was comforting seeing that of all the things in his life that were changing, his big sister stayed the same. She threw her bags against the wall and cleared the space between him, hugging him tightly. She kissed his temple and held him back an arm’s distance.

“Are you okay? How are you feeling? I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I got the first flight to Tokyo and caught a train to Miyagi. I got a taxi straight here from the station.” She pulled him in another hug, holding him to her.

“I’m okay. Just a little nauseous.” He leaned into her. “I’m also kind of scared of the storm?”

Nami frowned and walked over to him. She pulled him into a hug, kissing his cheek. Nami and Tooru had never been close. His sister had graduated from high school the day he was born. Shortly after she’d left Japan and moved to Paris for college. She had gotten her degree in literature and worked as freelance writer on travel among other things. She was rarely in Japan. He loved her and missed her, enjoying the moments when she was there, but it was only recently that they started talking daily.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could have gotten here sooner. Maybe I can tell you stories to distract you from the storm?”

Tooru nodded, turning on his side facing her. She laid next to him, her head resting on her hand. She reached over smoothing his hair back. Nami always had stories to tell him from her travels. It was always fun to hear about them. His sister had gone to so many places and experienced so many different cultures. Tooru was jealous, she had promised on his eighteenth birthday that she would take him with her anywhere in the world he wanted to go. He wasn’t sure how to pick just one. Everything she told him made this list longer and longer. There was a list of places and things he wanted to see before he died. Nami encouraged him. Every dream he ever had.

Tooru closed his eyes, focusing on his sister’s voice. Soon her voice was all he could hear. The storm outside didn’t exist. It was just him and his big sister laying in a bed while she told him stories of faraway places. As he drifted to sleep, his dreams carried her words into comforting scenes dancing around his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a fluff fic to make up for this angst! You can read it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10794378)
> 
> Also the amazing Vincent drew Nami for me! [here](http://dublufish.tumblr.com/post/159998955299/commission-for-catholicorprotestant-her-oc)
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment! <3


	8. Day Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys I'm sorry this took a bit. I've been kind of not in a good mental state, so I got really distracted. Here we go! Enjoy!

Day Seven

Tooru curled into himself on the bed. The room was silent except for the tapping of keys on his parents’ laptops. The fast paced clicking was the background noise of his life. There was something familiar and comforting in the sound. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on the clicks, and the smell of coffee wafting their way toward him. Anything to distract himself from the gnawing in his stomach. He didn’t want to throw up again. Never again. That was all he’d been doing since day four. He couldn’t eat. Everything made his stomach churn. He was exhausted and weak. His eyes hurt. His throat ached. The tummy issues were miserable.

A single tear fell down his face. He’d been trying so hard to be strong, so hard to get through this first week. One more day. One more day. He kept telling himself like a personal mantra. He’d been counting down the days. He could get through a week. There would three solid chemo free weeks that he could do whatever he wanted. The doctor even said he would start feeling normal again during the break. He looked forward to that.

He pulled his phone off the charger and stared at the screen. Not a single text from Hajime or any of his friends. Nobody had texted. He chewed his lip and put the phone back before pulling the blanket over his head to hide the tears. His parents would scold him for crying. They always had. But he was sick. He was so sick. The chemo was supposed to help, but it was only making it worse. He didn’t know if he could take one more dose. Each dose was worse than the last. He lay there thinking about everything long after the tears had stopped. He wanted to get better now.

There was a knock at the door, and a voice introducing themselves as his nurse entered the room. He chewed his lip for a moment, contemplating what would happen if he just held the blanket over him so she couldn’t reach the line. Would she push him? Would she leave him alone? He didn’t know the answer, but he did know he didn’t want to be connected to that drip for another four hours. He’d thrown up five times that morning and he knew, he knew, what it was going to do.

A gentle touch to his shoulder shook him awake. He couldn’t help but smile. She thought he was asleep. Maybe he could do this after all.

“Tooru?”

Silence. He closed his eyes, slowing his breathing,. He heard his parents talking with the nurse. His heart sank when he heard his mother tell the nurse to just connect him up while he was asleep. He had to do this. Maybe he could talk the nurse into not making him have the dose? If he begged her, maybe she’d show him some mercy. He was a high school kid after all. To hell with being eighteen. The blanket was pulled back, and he fluttered his eyes open, rubbing his eyes under the glasses, pretending to be waking up.

“What?” He mumbled.

“Good morning!” The nurse laughed gently. “Last dose of chemo this round!” Her smile was warm.

Tooru opened his mouth, once, twice, three times. Nothing came out. He held his hands over this central line, eyes glued to the bag of chemo she had hung. She turned to him, her gloved hands going for the line with an alcohol swab. She frowned when his hands didn’t move. He swallowed hard, wincing at the pain in his throat. He cursed the chemo for it. He wet his chapped lips and looked at the nurse, trying to silently plead with her.

“What’s wrong?” She asked gently.

“Can…Can we skip today? Please? If you want to do it tomorrow, I will, but please not today. Please? Please? I don’t feel good. I feel awful. Please?” He fought back the tears as his voice cracked. “It always gets worse.” He whispered. 

The nurse opened her mouth to respond, only to have his father interject. “Tooru. You need the last dose to get better. It’s what the doctor said. He knows best. He’s the expert. Calm down. Behave.”

“But I don’t want to!” Tooru protested.

“It’s necessary.”

“It makes me feel awful! I feel worse every day! I’ve done six days in a row. I just want a break. Just one day. Please?” He turned his eyes back to the nurse, as the sobs escaped him. “Please…”

“You will get a break, sweetheart.” 

His mother sat down next to him, pulling him into a hug. She swayed back and forth gently, cooing his ear that it would be okay and she loved him. He closed his eyes as the sobs continued to wrack his body. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t. It was soothing, having her arms around him, and her voice talking to him. It was like when he was little. He felt himself starting to calm down. She held him tight, moving him to a position he couldn’t move his arms. He breathed her in, letting the calm rush over him.

He felt her nod. And he felt the nurse on his chest, cleaning the central line. He tried to pull away from his mother, to beg the nurse not to do it. His mother was too strong. She was a least a foot shorter than him, but still she held on to him. He was too weak to fight it.

“I’m sorry, Tooru. It’s for your own good,” she whispered, planting a kiss on his temple. “Behave. Please, Tooru. Behave.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to.” He whispered repeatedly as she held him.

“I know, baby. I know.” She rubbed his hair and back.

After a while he was too exhausted to cry, or speak. He laid against his mother, staring at the blank television on the wall. He wanted to just disappear. He wanted his Iwa-chan there. Hajime always knew what to do. He would never force him into something he didn’t want. He’d understand that he just wanted one day to rest, that chemo was literally ripping him apart. He was going to get better, he knew he was, but the road there was so miserable and painful.

“Akari, please don’t coddle him. You need to stop making a fuss, Tooru.” His father said with a sigh. “It’s three rounds and it should be gone. You’ll have three weeks in between each round. Do you not understand that?”

“Jin…” His mother started.

“I don’t get what having one day break would matter…” Tooru muttered under his breath.

“Because that’s what the doctor decided was best!” His father’s voice was stern. “You do not talk back to us. I don’t care how sick you feel. You need to learn respect. Be more like Keishi.”

“It’s not your body!” Tooru pushed himself up. “You don’t know what it’s like to have seven days back to back of this! You don’t know! It almost feels like torture!”

“Listen…” His father walked across the room to the bed, kneeling down next to the bed. “Please don’t cry. Tooru, your mother and I love you so much, so, so much. And this is the best thing for you to get better. I know it isn’t what you want. I understand you feel sick. But you still need to do it. Think about it like this: Remember how hard you worked for volleyball? How many times you hurt yourself?”

Tooru nodded, leaning against his mom once more. She wrapped her arms around him.

“And it was hard. It hurt sometimes. Sometimes you were tired. You even got severely injured one time. But it was all worth it because you got to be where you wanted. You got to be best overall player in the entire prefecture because you pushed through the hard part. You didn’t give up. That’s what this is. You just have to push through the hard part, and then it will all be over, and you’ll be well again, okay?” His father stared at him, pleading. “Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir…” Tooru whispered.

“Good. Love you, kiddo.” The man ruffled Tooru’s hair the way he did when he was little. “Akari, we need to go now.”

“What?” Tooru felt a lump in his throat. He just wanted to lay with his mom for the rest of the day, just wanted to be with his mom. He didn’t want her to leave. The protests fell short of his tongue, staying internal. The tears were fighting to come back.

“I love you. I’ll be back after work, okay?” His mother squeezed him once more, planting a kiss on his cheek before pulling away from him. He nodded, watching silently as his parents walked out of the room.

He felt so alone.

**********

Hajime sat cross-legged on the floor of his bedroom drawing faces on the green balloons he’d purchased that morning. He knew Tooru would love this surprise. Alien balloons to celebrate completing his first round of chemo. He had even gotten a special version of the X-Files. Music was playing in the background, some American metal band Tooru had thought he would like. So thoughtful. Hajime had no idea what the lyrics meant, but the sound was good. Tooru had told him what they meant so many times, but he never managed to remember.

Matsun and Maki were bopping each other on the head with the balloons, laughing and joking around. Hajime watched them. Part of him felt jealous. They got to be with each other always. They could hold hands and kiss and talk on the phone all hours of the night. The last week had been so hard on him. He missed Tooru so much. The few hours he was able to see him were nothing compared to spending entire days with him. Even their phone calls didn’t last long. Tooru was so tired. He wanted to point that out to his friends, that they shouldn’t take it for granted, but instead threw a marker at them.

“Oi, you too are supposed to be helping! I want to get this done so we can go surprise Oikawa. You two said you would help.” Hajime frowned. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table. It was getting late.

“Sorry, Iwa,” Maki said still laughing.

“Yeah, we were just having fun.” Matsun tried to cover his laughing with coughs. Maki kissed his boyfriend’s cheek and started on the balloons.

Hajime turned his attention back to the task at hand. This had to be perfect. He knew how much hell it was for his boyfriend to go through. He hated seeing him so upset. The tags on his Instagram posts always said to always stay positive, but he knew that Tooru had his moments. Everyone did. Tooru was stubborn, arguably the most stubborn person he had ever met. He wasn’t going to give up. Tooru never gave up. He was the type of person to always give 110 percent.

Still, he worried.

“Hey…” Hajime started, realizing that maybe he should talk to his friends about Tooru’s condition. He didn’t want it to be a shock. Tooru would hate that.

“Yes?” Matsun grinned over Maki’s shoulder, who was sitting in his lap with a balloon. It made Hajime’s heart sink just a bit.

Fuck, he missed Tooru…

“Have you guys ever known someone on chemo? Like have you seen the effects of it?” Hajime said slowly, not looking up from the balloon he was drawing on.

“No.” They said in unison.

“But I heard it’s kind of hardcore,” Maki frowned.

“Right…” Hajime was quiet for a moment, focusing on his task.

“Iwa?” Matsun leaned over and poked him. “Why do you ask?”

“I just…” He took a breath, glancing up at the ceiling. “Maybe I should tell you guys about it? I mean…I don’t want you to be too shocked by it. Oikawa would hate that. He doesn’t like being pitied.”

“Well now I have to know.” Maki let go of the balloon, cursing slightly as he floated up to the ceiling.

“He’s not…he’s not like he was. It’s been seven days of chemo and it’s really taxing on your body. So like…” Hajime rubbed his hand over his head.

“Is he bald now?” Matsun asked. Maki elbowed him in his ribs, giving him a look. “What?”

“No.” Hajime glared at them. “As I was saying...he’s lost weight already. It’s been a week, sure, but he has. He’s really exhausted. He sleeps most of the time when I’m there. He’s fallen asleep when I’m on the phone with him before.” Hajime sighed. “It’s made him weak. Like he needs help walking sometimes, or at least standing up. He’s not allowed to wear his contacts anymore because he could get an infection and it could be really bad because his immune system is weak now too. He tried and his eyes got super red, and the doctor told him not too because it could get bad enough that he could go blind or lose his eye. He got really upset by that. I know you two aren’t used to that. He just…he looks really sick.”

“In a week?” Maki’s voice was barely above a whisper.

“Yeah. Chemo is serious shit. But he’s getting three weeks off and his doctor said he should start feeling better in a week or two. It sucks though because he’ll start feeling better and then have to go back and get another week. He basically has to go through it three times and then they do some tests to see if the cancer is gone. Apparently it typically goes away after three rounds.” Hajime finished another balloon.

“What if it’s not?”

“Three more.” Hajime shrugged. “Tooru’s convinced that he’s going to be better and that kind of attitude does wonders. You need that for this. I hate to say it but, he’s the best kind of person to deal with this because he’s ever the optimist. It’s annoying, really.”

“Hm…”

Matsun and Maki were quiet now, going back to their task of drawing faces on the balloons. Hajime dabbed at his eye with the sleeve of his hoodie. He was glad his friends hadn’t been able to tell he had been tearing up. Crying in front of anyone that wasn’t Tooru or his family had always been awful. He didn’t like the attention. It did happen though. He hated it.

Finally the task was done. Hajime surveyed the balloons to make sure they hadn’t missed any. He double checked his bag to make sure he had everything. Streamers, the videos, two packages of milk bread, and the surprise. Everything appeared to be in order.

They opted to take Hajime’s mom’s car since the idea of taking all the balloons on the train seemed a bit outrageous, and walking would be embarrassing.

When they arrived, Hajime led his friends up to Tooru’s room. He knocked gently before peering inside. The lights were dimmed. The blankets were pulled up over the boy’s head, his hands grasping the blanket. Hajime frowned. Tooru had taken to sleeping like that since he was hospitalized. It was almost a defensive position to keep him from harm. It honestly broke his heart.

He swallowed his emotions, leading their friends in. They started setting up the room. Balloons in strategic places, streamers across the walls. They put up the “Congratulations Oikawa!” poster the team had signed. Hajime wanted to make everything perfect. He loved this boy more than anything and he was going to make damn sure he woke up to a party. Especially since his parents were out with his brother and sister for an obligatory family dinner since Nami was home.

Once everything was perfect, Hajime slid under the blankets, snaking his arms around the boy and kissing his neck. He littered kisses over his sleeping beauty. He whispered in his ear to wake up, eliciting a grunt from the boy. He rolled over facing Hajime, eyes still closed. He pressed his lips to Tooru’s. Nothing. He frowned and started poking his face, something he used to do when they were kids.

Tooru’s eyes slowly fluttered open. Hajime stared down at him. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Tooru breathed. His voice was groggy. A small smile danced on his lips.

Hajime leaned down and kissed him, before rolling back to lay next to him. Tooru’s eyes hadn’t left him. He hadn’t yet seen the surprise. Hajime glanced over at their friends who were standing off to the side awkwardly. He turned his attention back to his boyfriend. His hair was a mess, his eyes were puffy and red rimmed. Still, Hajime didn’t want to take his eyes off him.

“Congratulations. You finished round one.” Hajime brushed Tooru’s hair out of his face, noting how soft and light it was. His stomach knotted at what he knew was inevitable. “How do you feel?”

Tooru didn’t speak, He wrapped his arms around Hajime and buried is face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around him, rubbing his back. He pressed a kiss to his head. They stayed like that for a moment before he noticed Tooru was crying softly. He felt the wet tears soaking through his shirt.

“Hey…” Hajime said softly.

“I feel awful!” Tooru said through his tears. “I didn’t want to do it today. I told them. I said I could do it tomorrow, but I couldn’t do it today. I felt so bad. They didn’t care! My mom made me! She came over like she was going to be all comforting, but then she held me down and I couldn’t break free because I am so weak, and she made me.”

“That sounds terrible. I’m sorry.”

Hajime glanced at Matsun and Maki. This wasn’t something Tooru would say in front of them. He was only this honest with him. He should have had them stand outside while he woke Tooru up. Now he was saying all these things. Hajime went to motion the others out, but realized that would just make Tooru realize it. He swallowed hard, and held him.

“The nurse was really nice though. After Mom and Dad left, she asked me if I wanted another antiemetic, those medicines that keep me from being nauseous and throwing up, and a sedative so that I could just sleep through it and when I woke up it’d be over. So that was good, but I woke up and then immediately threw up. And I threw up more. But then I went back to sleep and now you’re here.”

Tooru looked up at him, brushing his tears away. He smiled, kissed him, before cuddling him tight. “It’s the best way to wake up, you know? Seeing you? I love you so much.”

“I don’t think you can actually see me,” Hajime laughed. “You’re practically blind.”

“Shut up,” Tooru said into his shoulder.

“I love you too.”

“Hey,” Hajime pulled away after a moment. “Put these on. I brought you a surprise.” He reached over and grabbed his glasses handing them to him. Tooru smiled and did as he was instructed. “Close your eyes.”

“What is the point when you just told me to put on my glasses, Iwa-chan? You’re so weird,” Tooru complained, but did it anyway. Hajime covered his eyes, taking care not to smudge the glass.

“Okay, open them.”

“Surprise!” Matsun and Maki grinned, hand out to the sign.

Tooru’s eyes were wide. His hands covered his mouth. He looked from the two to Hajime a few times, before taking in the scene. Hajime watched him carefully, a grin on his face. Tooru pulled his knees up, hugging them, his hand dropping from his mouth.

“What? Wow…I…” Tooru shook his head, a smiled on his face.

“We got some of the girls who make us signs for the matches to make a congratulatory sign,” Maki explained. “They didn’t want to at first, but when they found it was for their favorite boy in the world who was sick, they agreed immediately. So they signed it with some of your fangirls and then the team signed it.”

“I can’t believe you have friends,” Matsun joked, rolling his eyes. “You’re a total loser.”

“Hey!” Tooru pouted. “You’re not allowed to be mean to me! I’m sick.”

“You’re still a loser,” Matsun winked. He hugged him. “But we love you anyways, ya big nerd.”

Tooru giggled, pushing him away. “This is all so nice. I love the balloons. They’re so cute.”

“I have more,” Hajime grinned, getting up to get his bag. He came back, putting the bag on the bed. “First, I got this special edition of X-Files for you to binge watch. The whole series. It cost me a shit ton, so you better love me.”

“I do!!!” Tooru blew him a kiss.

“And you need to eat, and since you won’t eat anything, I thought I’d persuade you with milk bread.” He tossed one of the packages to him. “But you have to eat some of the real food we brought first.”

Tooru frowned, tears pooling in his eyes. “Why?” He took a deep breath. “I promise I’ll eat this, but anything else makes me throw up.” He wiped his tears with the blanket.

“Promise me you’ll try? Please? You need to eat. You’ve lost so much weight, and if you eat you won’t be as weak. We can ask your nurse for more of that medicine.” Hajime rubbed his back.

“I’ll eat this. I could never turn down milk bread,” Tooru said, already starting to open the package.

“Real food first.” Hajime said firmly, taking the package from him. Tooru pouted in response. “And the big surprise.” Hajime held the teddy bear out to him. Tooru gasped, immediately grabbing it.

“Kuma-chan!” Tooru cooed, hugging the bear tight.

“Huh?” Matsun glanced between the two of them.

“When I was little, I was scared of storms and when I was at Iwa-chan’s house, he would give me kuma-chan so I wouldn’t be so scared. And when my parents would go on business trips, they’d leave me with Iwa-chan’s family. Since I was little, I missed them and would cry, so Iwa-chan would give me his teddy bear. It always makes me feel better. I didn’t know you had this, Iwa-chan…” Tooru grinned.

“Neither did I. My mom and I wear cleaning one of the closets and we found it. We got it cleaned up for you so you wouldn’t get sick. I thought you’d want it.” Hajime shrugged.

“That is so sweet and sappy at the same time.” Matsun laughed.

“You two are so gross.” Maki made a face. “I can feel my teeth rotting.”

“Hey!” Tooru protested again. “We’re adorable.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Maki rolled his eyes.

The boys ate while they talked. Hajime watched Tooru who was resting chin in his hand, staring at the food they had brought him, pushing it around without actually eating it. He hated seeing him like this. Usually the four of them were always so ready to eat, always constantly starving. Chemo was really messing with him. Hajime realized it wasn’t really the chemo that was making him lose weight, it was that he wouldn’t or couldn’t eat.

“Hey…” Hajime nudged him. “Are you okay?”

“Huh? Yeah. I’m fine.” Tooru flashed him a smile.

“What’s wrong with the food?”

Tooru’s eyes flashed to their friends. The two sat there, engrossed in their food, but they kept stealing glances. Frustration rose in him. He hadn’t really thought this through. He didn’t ask Tooru if he could bring Matsun and Maki. He should have. He knew Tooru didn’t like to open up in general, but unless it was the two of him, he would never crack. The way Tooru was fidgeting, his eyes glued to the food in front of him, and the way he was focusing on his breathing tipped Hajime off.

Silently he scolded himself. All he had wanted to do was make Tooru happy after all of this. He loved being center of attention, and he hadn’t had much interaction all week. It had been a difficult week. Hajime couldn’t begin to understand how Tooru felt even when he described it. He tried to imagine it, being so sick and the only treatment made you feel even sicker than the illness itself. Tooru’s life changed in an instant, and all Hajime wanted to do was make him feel better. He was desperate to make him feel better. All the planning he’d been doing since the chemo had hit Tooru particularly hard on day four seemed to have been deeply flawed. Hajime cursed himself. He felt like he never could do right by Tooru when he needed him the most. Tooru always came through for him and then fact he couldn’t return that favor made him feel so incredibly guilty.

“Iwa-chan, Matsun, Maki?” Tooru glanced up. There was no smile. He looked so tired and worn out, so different than he usually was. It broke Hajime’s heart.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. You guys don’t know how much this means to me. This had been a really hard week, or I guess two weeks since there was all the tests and stuff, but anyway it’s been so difficult. It’s like…” Tooru pushed the food away, hugging his knees. “It’s like I’m losing so much of myself. I don’t feel as strong anymore, but I’m trying to pull every ounce of it out of me. I kept telling myself just one more day, just one more day. Because you can do anything for a day, right?”

Tooru paused, brushing the tears from his eyes. Hajime was shocked. He was being so open and vulnerable. This wasn’t like him, but it was also such a pleasant surprise. Hajime often worried about him, about how he hid everything from the world. He wanted to know what his best friend was thinking about, what he was going through, what demons in his mind he was fighting. Nobody knew how much doubt Tooru held inside him. To the world Oikawa Tooru was a happy, charismatic, talented, hardworking, smart, funny, and kind person. But nobody knew all the times he broke down to Hajime about his fears after a lot of coaxing on Hajime’s part. Yet here he was, unprompted, talking to the three of them in such a calm way.

“I feel like I’m literally dying, and I’m trying to get through it. I am so lucky to have you guys. You know I was really scared nobody would like me anymore now that I couldn’t be what they want me to be. I was terrified when the texts and calls stopped coming so frequently. I thought I wouldn’t have a friend left in the world, not even Iwa-chan. So this,” Tooru gestured around the room, “this is such a kind thing to do. I really appreciate it. The fact that team still cares, I just…I guess I just have a lot of negative voices in my head that I’m able to silence most of the time, but this past week…It’s been hard. Thank you. That’s all I wanted to say.”

Tooru closed his eyes. Hajime studied him carefully. How could he say all of that? The way his words seemed almost rehearsed, how they didn’t even sound like Tooru. His heart was racing, and his stomach was churning at the unsettling way Tooru was behaving. Had something happened?

Matsun and Maki both seemed apprehensive. Hajime racked his brain trying to recall a single time Tooru had said anything remotely like this to their friends, but was drawing a blank. Maybe it was the chemo, perhaps he didn’t have the strength to keep his walls up. That didn’t explain his speech pattern. He wondered if he was imagining things, if he was just trying to find something to worry about because he felt so guilty about bringing their friends. They were such a tight knit group.

“I’m sorry if that was weird…” Tooru mumbled, not opening his eyes.

“No, not at all. Hey, do you want to eat this now?” Maki offered him the milk bread. “You don’t seem to like your food. Don’t worry, if Iwa tries something, I’ll fight him.”

“Thank you,” Tooru laughed softly taking it from him. And finally for the first time in days, Hajime saw him eat.

The rest of the evening went uneventfully. They didn’t watch the DVD’s that Hajime had bought. Tooru hadn’t wanted to watch them, too tired he claimed. So in a rare moment, the other boys picked a show that was airing on conspiracies. It was much more interesting, and they knew Tooru would enjoy it too. Matsun and Maki had left after about an hour after Tooru had fallen asleep, curled up to Hajime who was holding him in his arms.

It was peaceful. Hajime closed his eyes, taking in the moment. All his doubts about the party for Tooru had melted away. For just a little while it had felt like nothing had changed. They were joking and laughing, just enjoying the company. It reminded Hajime of all the nights the four of them would hang out after practice or school. They always had fun. Tonight had been no different.

Tooru stirred in Hajime’s arms, before jumping up and vomiting violently into the trashcan beside his bed. Tears were in Hajime’s eyes. Tooru couldn’t even get to sleep anymore. He was throwing up almost constantly now. Each day of chemo was worse and worse. All Hajime could do was be there; it was all anyone could do. He rubbed his back, waiting for him to finish before getting up and getting him something to clean up with and some water. Tooru took it wordlessly, then picked up his phone, making a phone call.

Hajime watched him. His body trembled, and Hajime could have sworn he was begging the person to pick up. Tooru cursed, and made the call again. Tears streameddown his face. Again and again, he tried. After the sixth call, Tooru threw his phone across the bed, the plastic rail was the only thing that kept the phone from shattering on the floor. Hajime knew the screen would be broken anyway, and Tooru would be so upset. Tooru slammed his fists against the bed, almost like a child having a tantrum before he fell against Hajime, sobbing. Hajime held him, fighting back his own tears. He didn’t know what was going on, but it scared him.

“I want my mom, Hajime. I just want my mom.” Tooru sobbed. “Why won’t she pick up? Why doesn’t she want to be with me? I want her. I want my mom. I don’t care if I sound like a child. I want my mom and I want her now. Why won’t she pick up? How many times did I call her? And she never answered. It’s not even late. She’s just at dinner. Fuck!” Tooru shouted the expletive, before whispering. “Why doesn’t she love me?”

“Tooru…”

“I even called my dad. Am I really that awful of a person, Hajime? Is it so much to ask? I just want her here. I want her to hold me like when I was little. I want to feel safe. I want my mom.”

Hajime held him close, trying so hard to make him feel okay. Anger was rising in him. For the longest time, Tooru had just truly believed if he asked his mom to stay, she would. And maybe that was true. There had been times he had when they were little, and she did. He begged his parents to come to their qualifying game for Nationals their last year of junior high. Hajime watched his best friend looks so happy when he got the Best Setter Award, and his saw his face fall when he found out his parents hadn’t come. He’d been there when Tooru was trying to show them, but they weren’t paying attention and brushed him away.

There had been so many times they could have been there, but weren’t. He hated all the times Tooru’s mother sat there, a torn expression on her face, looking to her youngest son for validation that she was doing the right thing. Hajime was convinced the look was fake, but Tooru insisted it was real, insisted he could never ask his mother to give up what she loved.

Part of Hajime was sure it was because Tooru was afraid of just this. That when he asked her to stay, she would leave him alone. Tooru had his doubts about where he stood with his parents. Hajime knew him. Tooru didn’t want to ask because he didn’t want to know if their words about loving him were just simply words. Now he was sick, he had cancer and endured so much, and he just wanted his mom like any kid would. He’d called her, begged her. Six times. Tooru got the answer he was so scared to get.

He heard Tooru’s heart shatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you! Please comment! <3


	9. Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's hard being a parent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I hope you guys like this one! 
> 
> I want to thank each and every one of you who has commented or left kudos. Y'all are seriously giving me so much motivation. The comments have honestly filled me with so much happiness, I read them over again and still get giddy. Y'all are the real MVPs. <3

Hajime couldn't get the image of Tooru begging his parents to pick up his calls out of his head. The way he’d thrown his phone and completely broken down was on repeat in his mind. It had been three days. Tooru hadn’t said anything had changed, not that Hajime expected it to. Still he’d held his breath hoping that it was a miscommunication, that their phones had simply died, and when they recognized they had missed that many calls had showed up. 

He was dressed for school, his bag in tow as he climbed down the stairs. His mother hummed in the kitchen, the familiar smell of breakfast wafting through the air. Most mornings, Hajime would tell her he had eaten her breakfast when he hadn’t. He was always just so eager to leave in the morning for early morning practice, or to pick up Tooru. It was the desire to sleep in and not have to worry about it.

This morning, he dropped his bag near the door and went to the kitchen. His mother hadn’t realized he was watching her. Her hair was in a loose bun with perfect makeup in a dark blue dress with a cardigan. It was so familiar, her typical clothing for teaching at the local university. A smile danced on her face.

Hajime realized how much he loved her, how lucky he was, it was almost overwhelming. He had always been so close to his parents. They had had him very young, before starting college. She had gone to school with Tooru’s siblings, something that he and Tooru had always found so strange. They always told him they were glad to have him so young because they would have more time to spend with him. His parents had been so involved with his life from the start. He never remembered a single moment he didn’t know how much they cared.

She smiled when she saw him. “Good morning, Hajime!”

Hajime didn’t respond, just pulled her into a tight hug. She felt so small next to him. He hugged her every day, but he had never really realized how her head rested against the place in his chest where it met his neck. He didn’t step away, didn’t let go when she went to step back. All he wanted to do was hug her, to feel her arms around him, and realize everything he had taken for granted.

“Sweetheart, are you okay?” She looked up at him.

“Yeah, I just…I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Her smile warmed Hajime’s heart. He kissed her cheek and for the first time in years, took the plate she’d prepared him and sat down at the table. She stared at him for a moment before sitting with her own bowl across from him. They ate quietly as Hajime’s mind ran on overdrive before he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Mom?” He looked up at her.

“Yes?”

Hajime took a moment to gather himself. He and Tooru made a pact as children, a blood handshake to promise they would never tell on each other or tell anyone their secrets. Even though they were older, Hajime kept that promise close to his heart, never uttering a word about his best friend. He couldn’t keep his promise, not this time.

“I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way at all, but have the Oikawas ever told you why they treat Tooru the way they do? They’ve ignored him his entire life. They drop him off with us or his brother. I have never had a problem with him being here, ever. And I know you and Dad also don’t mind it at all. It’s just…it bothers him…a lot.” Hajime paused, hoping for an answer.

His mother’s face was blank, her eyes dropping to her food. Hajime watched her as she pondered what to say. Finally she met his eyes. “Hajime…being a parent is very difficult. You have to do what you need to do.”

It was bullshit. His blood boiled at the answer. “You and Dad do just fine. You both take in a child who isn’t yours and practically raise him. Being a parent is hard, okay, sure. They’re not being parents, Mom.”

“Hajime…” She rubbed her face.

“Mom,” Hajime couldn’t hold back the tears rising in his eyes. “Mom, he had a breakdown the other night because he needed his mom and she wouldn’t answer the phone. You don’t know how much it bothers him. You aren’t there with him every time he cries. He has this whole issue with doubting himself and wondering if he’s good enough because of them. I don’t think that’s a good answer. I’m sorry if that was out of turn, but I just needed to say it.”

“Sweetheart…” She took a deep breath. “It’s very complicated. They want to spend more time with him, but they also need to keep their jobs to be able to support him and the house and all the things they need.”

Hajime rolled his eyes. The same stupid excuse Tooru’s parents gave him. The problem wasn’t that they worked. He understood that adults have to work. What he didn’t understand was why they weren’t there for Tooru ever. He didn’t understand how every major event in his life, they brushed him off. When something important happened, they weren’t available. He remembered the time Tooru became a starter and was so excited he couldn’t stop talking about, but they didn’t care. When he was voted captain in junior high, he was told to be quiet because they were on the phone. He begged them to be at their important games. They hadn’t, to Hajime’s knowledge, ever seen one of Tooru’s games. They didn’t know how dedicated he was, how good he was.

Hajime took a deep breath “The other night…the other night he was feeling terrible. It was his last dose of a seven day round and he felt awful. He told me earlier that day that it was worse than ever. He sat there and told Matsun, Maki, and me that he feels like he’s dying. He’s likened the last few days to torture. He’s sick. He throws up constantly despite the medicine they gave him. He’s having all kinds of other issues. And he just wanted his mom.”

Hajime wiped away the tears threatening to spill over. He took a minute to pull himself together. His mother was watching, waiting. She knew he wasn’t finished. Her mouth hung open slightly, and her brow was furrowed.

“He called her six times, Mom, _six fucking times_. They were at dinner with his brother and sister, not at work. And they didn’t answer. They didn’t call back. He threw his phone across the room. . You should have seen him. His heart broke in front of my eyes. I’m so scared. I’m angry and frustrated. Because that’s been his whole life. He just stopped asking them to stay and had this idea in his head that if he did ask, they would. That night, that night he got the answer that he never wanted.”

The room was silent for a minute. Hajime trembled from his anger. The weight of guilt hung over him. He betrayed Tooru’s trust, broke their pact. He reminded himself they weren’t little kids anymore. They were eighteen. Such childish things were not binding. Sometimes it was important to tell. He hoped Tooru would understand.

“Hajime.” His mother swallowed, before raising her eyes too look at him. “How often have they been with him?”

“While he’s been in the hospital?” She nodded. “Um…I think…I don’t…Rarely.” He tugged on his sleeve. “I’ve never seen them there. His brother comes daily. Now that his sister is here, she sees him a lot. I’ve never been there while they were there. The day I found out, Tooru didn’t tell me. His mom saw me after practice and yelled at me. She was getting his lessons and getting him food. She dropped me off. Tooru was expecting her. Mom, he just wants his mom. He needs her.”

“I’ll talk to them, okay? I’ll explain things. I’ll find out what’s going on. For some families, this kind of thing is really hard to digest. I know that if you had cancer, it would kill me to watch you go through all of that. It kills me seeing him go through it.” She shook her head.

“It might kill you to watch it, but you’d be there.” Hajime stared at her.

“I wouldn’t leave your side. I can’t imagine…You better not get sick or I will be so mad!”

She laughed through her tears, going around to hug him. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, before fixing his blazer. Her eyes flickered up to his. One more kiss to his forehead. “I love you. You’re the one thing I’m sure I did right. I’m so proud of you. You’re a good friend that you would come to me with this.”

Hajime nodded. She smiled at him once more.

“Okay, time to go to school. It’s a little late. Do you want me to drive you?”

“I’d like that,” Hajime smiled. He sent one text to Tooru as they headed out.

_I’m sorry…I broke my promise. I told. ___

__************_ _

__It was a strange feeling. Tooru had always had his suspicions about his parents’ true feelings. He had spent his whole childhood believing that they were going to work to build space ships, going to the moon, and meeting aliens. When he was five, he’d asked his father if he met an alien, would he introduce them to Tooru so he could make a friend. He still remembered that soft smile his father had given him as he ruffled his hair. His mother would make cookies when she was home. There was that excitement Tooru felt when it was his mom picking him up from school instead of Keishi or Hajime’s mother. All he wanted his entire life was for his parents to spend time with him._ _

__He couldn’t get the sound of the calls going to voicemail when he needed them the most out of his head. He was nauseous, weak, scared, and in pain. Nobody realized that it was painful. His bones ached, his throat hurt, there were sores on his cheeks, his stomach twisted, and his intestines writhed. It was the part he had been so careful to hide. Nobody needed to know except the nurse. He asked in secrecy for something to ease the pain._ _

__Hajime’s arms around him were comforting. He loved Hajime more than anything, but Hajime wasn’t his mom. There was something about a mother that eased all pain. He thought of a movie he’d watched, a line that was said that was truer than anyone understood. _Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children._ When his mother touched him, when she hugged him, held him, kissed him, it was like everything was going to be okay. When he was little he thought that she could cure a stomach bug, or sore throat. And even if it was ridiculous, even if he was too old to believe that, Tooru was sure she could make him better._ _

__Tooru hugged his knees, watching the blood transfusion slowly make its way down the line into his body. His blood counts were low that morning, which was why he felt so tired, and moving was exhausting. It was scary having someone else’s blood entering his body. Who were they? What kind of life did they lead? He wished he could meet them. In a way they were saving his life. If it weren’t for them, he could be so anemic he would die. He wanted to thank them._ _

__He closed his eyes wishing he had the courage to call his mom again, to ask her to leave work and come hold him, to make him better. He couldn’t deal with hearing that voicemail message playing in his ear. It wasn’t even his mother’s voice which would have been at least slightly comforting. No, it was that robotic voice with no feeling or emotion asking him to leave a message. Why should he leave a message? What possible reason was there to not answer the phone when all you were doing was having dinner? It wasn’t as if he had called them during a business meeting or while they were at work. He had never done that._ _

__Tooru brushed the tears away with the sleeve of his jacket. Maybe he should have called Keishi. He would have picked up, surely he would. His brother rarely missed his calls, and when he did, Tooru would get a text back telling him he was busy and would call him back. He could have called Nami, but would she have answered? It was hard to say. It had only been recently that they had a good relationship. She’d moved to France shortly after he was born, and she didn’t really know how to respond to kids. It was hard for her to talk to them. Once he hit fourteen, everything had changed. His sister was more comfortable now and conversations were easier. At the moment she was having trouble with Takeru._ _

__His phone buzzed next to him. Another comment on his Instagram post from the previous night about the party. It didn’t matter what people had to say about it. He knew his friends were wonderful people, and he loved them dearly for it. The last thing he needed was people telling him how great they were._ _

__Speaking of friends, Tooru was wondered what the text from Hajime had meant. _I’m sorry...broke my promise. I told._ Told what? When they were little, he and Hajime had made a blood pact to never tell on the other. They had seen it in a movie and felt that it was stronger than a pinkie swear or a spit handshake. So they picked off a scab and put their hands together. It was silly now that they were older, and Tooru joked that he was a bit concerned. But it was a promise. They always kept their promises, and all those stupid pacts. What did Hajime tell? He hadn’t done anything…_ _

__The door opened to the hospital room in an almost violent manner. His mother dropped her bag on the floor and stared at him, arms folded across her chest. Her mouth was in a tight line as tears danced her eyes._ _

__“So you couldn’t have talked to me?” Her tone was short. “I asked you, Tooru. I’ve asked you so many times if this was okay. You told me it was fine, and then you go talk to the Iwaizumis about me? About your father? That we’re some kind of horrible parents? You could have talked to me.”_ _

__“What?” Tooru blinked. He didn’t know what she was talking about._ _

__“Miyu asked me to go to lunch today. She tells me that you’re angry about this? That you’re mad that your father and I have to work? Do you not understand why we do this? We need to work, Tooru. Especially with you being sick. Do you think we want to? Do you think I just want to leave you alone like this? This _kills_ me, Tooru. I thought we talked about this. You told me you understood. So what, do you just lie to me now?” She brushed tears off her cheek. “You know what, Tooru, I’m not asking this time. I’m quitting my job to be here with you because obviously that’s what you want.”_ _

__“Mom, I swear I didn’t. I didn’t talk to Hajime’s parents.” Tooru shook his head. “I promise. I would never do that.”_ _

__“But you talk to Hajime.”_ _

__“He was here. He’s always been there. He’s my best friend, my boyfriend. I think I’m allowed to talk to him about what I want to talk to him about.” Tooru narrowed his eyes._ _

__She raised her eyebrows. “Boyfriend?”_ _

__“Yes.” Tooru rolled his eyes._ _

__“You do not roll your eyes at me,” she snapped._ _

__“You know, it’s funny because I tried to talk to you about it.” Tears pooled in his eyes. “You ignored me. You’ve left me alone, and maybe, maybe I didn’t say anything, but you could have seen it wasn’t okay. I called you over and over and over when I needed you and you ignored me.”_ _

__“I did not ignore you.”_ _

__“You did!” Tooru threw his hands up._ _

__“I didn’t have cell service in the restaurant.”_ _

__“And you couldn’t have called back when you saw it? You couldn’t have come up here to see what was wrong?”_ _

__“Honey, it was late.”_ _

__“I don’t care! I needed you. I needed you and you didn’t come. It doesn’t matter what time it is. Hajime’s mom always says being a mom is 24/7. She was there when we asked her to be. She’s been more of a mother to me than you’ve ever been. Don’t quit your job. We both know you would rather be there.”_ _

__Tooru couldn’t hold back anymore. His blood boiled, and his vision tunneled. She came in here mad at him when he had done nothing wrong. So this was what Hajime meant. Tooru was angry at him too. He trusted him. He made a mental note to yell at him._ _

__His mother stared at him, lips pursed. Her arms fell. She sat down on the bed, hand over her face as she hunched over. Sobs racked her body. Tooru couldn’t bring himself to care. He thought back to every time he was in that place because they had ignored him. It was time for her to understand that pain._ _

__“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I need this job.”_ _

__“Of course.” Tooru shrugged, flipping on the television. “Don’t yell at me because you feel bad about yourself.”_ _

__They sat in silence as the television flickered in the dimly lit room. He didn’t want to talk. He focused his attention on the show. It was something on the history channel about secret societies. He was sucked into the show, and felt himself starting to calm._ _

__Just when he was starting to feel at peace, a wave of hot nausea took over him, followed by vomit. He heaved, tears falling down his face. When would this be over? He had been sure once he finished chemo he would be better, but he felt so much worse. His mother handed him what he needed to clean himself up. He took it wordlessly, trying to calm his breathing._ _

__He went to lay back, and to his surprise his mother was there. She pulled him into a hug, holding him close to her. Tooru laid against her chest, letting himself to melt into her. He closed his eyes, focusing on the way she was smoothing his hair to the side the way she did when he was little. She kissed his temple, humming to him. Suddenly he did feel better. He didn’t feel alone. He was warm and secure; he felt safe._ _

__“I love you, Tooru. Even if you don’t believe me. I do. It kills me to watch you go through this.” She took a deep breath. “I can’t deal with it.”_ _

__“It’s worse going through it,” Tooru mumbled._ _

__She was silent. Neither said a word. He had nothing more to say, and her silence only meant she knew she was wrong. He wanted her to realize it, think it over. He glared at the television, focusing his mind away from the conversation. He couldn’t believe she would make it all about her. It was painful._ _

__“So you and Hajime are dating?”_ _

__She was trying to change the subject, make him forget his anger. Tooru decided to humor her. Talking about Hajime would brighten his mood._ _

__“Mhm.”_ _

__“How long?”_ _

__“A little over a week.” Tooru couldn’t help but smile when he thought about Hajime being his boyfriend._ _

__“Since when do you like boys? You never told me about this? It’s all so confusing.” His mother looked at him, not moving her arms from around him._ _

__Tooru sighed. He couldn’t help it. He was tired of repeating himself. “I told you three years ago that I was bisexual.”_ _

__“You did? I don’t remember that.”_ _

__“You said ‘that’s nice dear’ and that was it.” Tooru shrugged._ _

__“Oh…I, I don’t remember.” Her voice was soft, quiet._ _

__“I know. I knew you weren’t listening. You and Dad never listen to me when I’m trying to talk to you even when I tell you it’s important. ‘Behave, Tooru.’ ‘Tooru, we’re working.’ ‘Be quiet, Tooru.’ ‘Go play with Hajime, Tooru.’ ‘Calm down, Tooru.’ ‘Stop. Be more like Keishi.’ That’s all you ever say.”_ _

__“Tooru…”_ _

__“I don’t want to talk about this right now. I never wanted to talk about this because I know you don’t care. I’m sorry I was born and ruined your life plan. Maybe you’ll get your wish and you won’t have to deal with me anymore.” Tooru glared at the television, trying to distract himself. He didn’t want to talk about this, but at the same time it was burning in his throat. That night when they ignored six phone calls in a row changed everything._ _

__“Don’t say such things! It’s just leukemia, Tooru. Kids get it all the time. It’s not a serious cancer. It’s extremely curable, and you’re young and healthy. Being an athlete just makes your chances even better. You’re a third of the way through and then it will all be in the past. And for the record, I chose to have you, and I don’t regret my decision to have you for even a second.” She pressed a kiss to his forehead, pulling him closer, squeezing him a bit harder._ _

__“Just leukemia…” Tooru chuckled. “Every aspect of my life is vastly different, and I feel like I’m dying, and can’t eat or keep anything down. But it’s just leukemia. Okay.”_ _

__Part of him wanted to pull away, to tell her to leave, to show her how hurt and angry he was, but a bigger part of him, the part of him that had always just wanted his mom, made him stay curled up against her. He closed his eyes and breathed in her perfume, focused on her arms around him. It was all he ever wanted. Times like this were far and few between. Even when his parents had a short day or took off early, they didn’t leave their work behind. They were always researching, reading articles, writing reports. He hated it._ _

__“That’s not what I meant.” She sniffled. “I meant that you’re going to be okay. You’re going to get through these three months and then you can go back to regular school, and volleyball. You can do your applications to universities all over until you get recruited somewhere. You’ll be able to do things with your friends and everything will be okay.”_ _

__“Mom?”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“I don’t think I’m going to be recruited anywhere. Ever.” Tears fell down his face, landing on her shirt. “I know I’ll get better, but I’m sure that dream is over.”_ _

__She was quiet, they both were. The show droned on in the background, though neither were watching it. Thoughts of what the future held for him, and how much he wanted this all to be over filled his head. He wanted to know what his mother was thinking. If he could choose a superpower, it would be reading thoughts. It would at least ease his anxieties, show him the realities. His eyes flickered shut as sleep took over him._ _

__*************_ _

__Hajime's heart was racing in his throat as he made his way to Tooru's room. He hadn't responded when Tooru asked him what exactly he meant by his text. It wasn't something he wanted to tell him over a text. He knew he did the right thing, but the guilt of breaking his promise was eating him alive. Tooru wasn't a person who let just anyone see what he was really thinking or feeling. It was a special honor that Tooru placed in Hajime's hands, only his best friend. He had broken that trust. What if Tooru was mad at him and never wanted to talk to him again? What if by one decision he had ruined everything? The worries plagued him, but he would refuse to leave his side. He needed someone and he knew neither of Tooru's parents were not going to be that person._ _

__He tapped on the door before opening it. Hajime stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Tooru curled up against his mom while he slept. His hands were pulled up near his face like usual, but his mother had her arms around him, her chin resting on his head as she watched television. It warmed his heart. He had made mad the right decision. Tooru’s mother was here, and she was holding her son just like he needed, and wanted her to do. His heart leapt in his chest, reaching his lips where a smile erupted._ _

__"Good evening, obasan." Hajime greeted, dropping his bag on the floor._ _

__Her eyes jumped to Hajime before narrowing. "Tell me, Hajime," Tooru's mother didn't ease her glare. Hajime swallowed hard. "What other lies do you tell your mother?"_ _

__Hajime stared at her, floored. What did she mean? He hadn't lied. His blood boiled and all he heard was the sound of blood rushing through his ears. He clenched his jaw, trying to hold back the slew of words he wanted to yell at her. A few deep breaths helped to keep his anger at bay._ _

__"I didn't tell my mother anything that wasn't true." Hajime pushed his fists deeper into the pockets of his jacket. His face was starting to burn as blood rushed to the surface._ _

__"She seems to think I don't care about my son, that I neglect him. That's not true. What you failed to mention is that I ask Tooru before I do what I do. I have to work. You don't realize that now because you're a child, and a spoiled one at that. Not that I'm surprised seeing as your parents had you at seventeen. This is why children shouldn't have a child, because they do not teach their children to behave." She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "I don't think I want you around my son. You're a bad influence."_ _

__Hajime laughed. "Are you serious? You leave him alone because he told you it was okay? If we're children, then what makes you think that a child could make that decision? If children don't understand anything and only adults do, then why do you manipulate a child into telling you what you want to hear? And you have the audacity to insult my parents because they had me young while they're far better parents than you or your husband ever can hope to be. That's ridiculous."_ _

__"I do not manipulate him."_ _

__"You do! I've seen the way you look at him, the way you ask the question. The fact you want him to smile and say yes is all over your face, and then once he says yes, you tell him you love him and what a good son he is. He is so desperate for your love, that's what he does. You don't see him cry. You're not the one who has to tell him he's good enough. You were too busy with your life to answer your son, who has cancer by the way, when he calls you six times because all he wanted was his mom to come hold him. So please, act innocent to someone else because I've had eighteen years of watching you."_ _

__Hajime wanted to walk out, to leave. He didn't want to spend one more second being berated because he mentioned his best friend's struggle. The thing that kept him standing his ground was Tooru. He needed to be there with him. All he ever wanted to was to be with him. He missed everything had been the way it was before this. He missed Tooru's laugh and smile, and the way he always carried himself in such a confident and carefree manner. Hajime even missed the way Tooru annoyed the shit out of him. So, no, he wasn't going anywhere. He braced himself, expecting to be yelled at for being disrespectful, for her to throw him out and ban him from seeing Tooru for good._ _

__To Hajime's surprise, she didn't say anything. Her eyes were closed, her face buried in Tooru's hair while she swayed gently. Her arms were wrapped around him, rubbing his back. Tooru moved in his sleep, adjusting to the new movements._ _

__"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. God, I love you so much," she whispered._ _

__It was strange, but a good strange. He thought about his mother's words to him about parenting being complicated, but to Hajime it was as simple as this: Being present. Wasn't that the real issue about Tooru's parents? That they weren't there? That's all Tooru ever wished for, though he'd never ask because Tooru loved them, and wanted to make them happy._ _

__Hajime stood there awkwardly. He felt like he was intruding on a moment he wasn’t meant to see; it was so intimate. The moment lasted longer than expected. Tooru and his mom needed this. He could come back later, so he picked up his back, and carefully left the hospital room not wanting to make too much sound as he left. He would text Tooru when he got home._ _

__***********  
Tooru woke up to his phone buzzing on the side table, followed by a loud ding. He’d forgotten to turn the sound off. He blinked his eyes open, a bit disoriented. The medications he received to combat the chemo were really knocking him out. He was laying on the hospital bed alone. He didn’t move, as the pain set in that all of it was a dream. His mother had never come to the hospital to be with him; she hadn’t held him until he fell asleep. A few tears fell down his cheeks. It was foolish to think otherwise._ _

__“You’re awake.”_ _

__His mother’s voice came from the other side of the room. He slipped his glasses on, pushing himself to sit up. She had pulled out the small tray table that was connected to the wall meant for meals, and arranged two chairs on either side. Food was cover the table, all his favorites. It all smelled so good, but a wave of nausea washed over him. He couldn’t eat it. The bitter, metallic taste alone was enough to make him gag, but his stomach no longer craved to be fed like it once had._ _

__“I thought that we should have dinner together, and talk. I have some things I really want to share with you. Come on.”_ _

__She made her way to him, helping him get out of the bed while the world spun around him. He closed his eyes in an effort to calm his head. The weakness was still there. His muscles didn’t seem to work the way he wanted the to. It was as though they were all about to go out at any moment. How long would it be for him to feel better? The doctors had promised he would feel better soon, but when? She waited patiently next to him until he was ready to make his way across the room. His legs were noodles underneath him, ready to give out at any minute. By some miracle he had made it to the chair without incident._ _

__He eyed the food. It was all so perfect. He wanted to eat so badly. New tears filled his eyes. She was going to get mad that he refused to eat, that he would no doubt end up pushing the food around his plate staring longingly at it. Behave. He could hear the words echoing in his head. He never knew what that meant because most of the time he felt as though he was behaving. They just expected so much, but never let him in on what exactly they expected. No, he knew. They wanted another Keishi._ _

__“I’ve been told you’ve had trouble eating, so I wanted to try to get you to eat.” A smile spread across her face. “You know when you were about three years old, you wouldn’t eat anything besides rice.” She set a small bowl of rice in front of him._ _

__“Oh.” Tooru mumbled._ _

__“It’s easy on the stomach.” She smiled, brushing his hair out of his face. “Please try.”_ _

__He nodded. He waited for her to be seated before they said their thanks. Tooru watched his mother for a moment. Her food looked so much better than his, but he knew he couldn’t eat it, and frankly he didn’t want to. He turned his attention to the rice in front of him. Tooru may have not eaten anything else as a child, but this wasn’t him being picky. This was the result of being sick, of having chemo pumped into him four hours a day for a week. She didn’t understand that._ _

__“Please try, Tooru.”_ _

__He rested his head in his hand, staring at it, pushing it around in the bowl. Just one bite. That’s all he had to do. Maybe it would be okay, maybe he was getting better. The lump was still in his throat, threatening him. He couldn’t bring himself to bring the food to his mouth. He knew it was going to taste awful, and that he would throw up for the millionth time in the last week._ _

__“Behave, Tooru. Just try.”_ _

__That word again, that command. Behave. Behave. Behave. It made him so angry. What was he doing? He couldn’t eat. Why did nobody understand that? He wanted to. God, he wanted to so badly, but he couldn’t. His body wouldn’t allow him to do so. Nothing was allowed past that lump in his throat. The doctors understood, even talked about putting him on nutrition through his line._ _

__“Please, baby. Please try.”_ _

__“I can’t…” He whispered._ _

__“Tooru, listen to me.” She took his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. Tears glistened in her eyes. “I am trying. This is horrendous for me to watch because I just want to make everything better, but I can’t. I’m trying. I just,” her voice broke. “I talked to the doctors, to the nurses, to Keishi. They said try bland things. I just need you to try too.”_ _

__He closed his eyes, taking a few breaths before trying it. He needed to be brave. If he was going to take pictures smiling and telling the entire internet how well he was doing, how even when he was feeling awful he was staying positive, the least he could do was try. But he had tried, so many times. His stomach hadn’t accepted the peace offering since day two or three. He would try._ _

__Slowly, slowly he raised the small bite of food to his mouth, taking the bite. There was no taste, not that plain steamed rice ever did, but the usual bitter, metallic taste hadn’t taken over. It was just the usual taste in his mouth. A wave of hope took over him. He swallowed, waiting. Nothing. He tried again, and again. He felt like crying he was so relieved. He took small sips of the ginger tea his mother had brought. To Tooru’s amazement he was feeling better. Of course he was. His body was finally getting sustenance. Still, he silently begged his body not to reject it._ _

__“Tooru, I need to talk to you about something.” His eyes flicked up to her. “I am so sorry that I failed so deeply at balancing life. You see, I was so excited when Nami got to junior high because I could finally go back to the career I loved. When I got pregnant with you, I didn’t for one second think about not having you. We were thrilled. Nami would be leaving soon and we honestly weren’t prepared to have our baby go. Keishi still lived with us, wanting to make sure everything went well as we got older even though we were only in our late forties. The only thing I didn’t know how to do was balance work and you. I thought about quitting my job, I have thought about it a lot. I was selfish. I wanted both to be a mother and work.”_ _

__“I know.” Tooru smiled._ _

__“No, please, listen.” She swallowed. “I didn’t work as much when you were little. We figured leaving you with Keishi a little while so I could go in for at least the seven hours I was required. We considered daycare, but it was so strange. We knew Miyu and her husband had a baby about your age and asked her about what she was doing. She offered to babysit. I’m sorry it turned into a snowball effect. What you don’t know, Tooru, is when I came home from work when you were a baby, I would hold you for hours, just watching you sleep because you were my perfect angel. You were the sweetest baby out of the three of you. Barely cried. You were perfect. I hated leaving you. And when you were a toddler, I would make sure to prepare little meals for you so that Hajime’s mother didn’t have to worry. You were such a picky eater. You started school. Remember how I walked you to your classroom and squeezed you so tight?”_ _

__Tooru nodded. He remember how scared he was to start school. That morning, he sat with his mom for breakfast and he asked her if he had to go. He wanted to spend the day with her because he missed her. She turned her face away from him before telling him that he would have fun, the Hajime would be there. When they got to his classroom, he begged her through tears not to leave. She pulled him into a tight hug, before ushering him into the room. They had gone over to where Hajime was playing with the other kids, and he’d gotten sucked into the activity. He turned around to show her the castle he built, but she was gone. He cried the rest of the day until she picked him up from school._ _

__“I love you so much, Tooru. I loved coming home to you. You were so much more excited and happy than Keishi or Nami ever were. Even as you got older, you wanted to see us. You smiled when we came through the door. On the rare occasions we could leave work, you were so eager to go on our little outings. It was nice because both of your siblings grew to hate it until Nami moved away. Then those little family dinners meant the world to both of them. I know I worked more the older you got, but you were such a good boy, so understanding. And I love you so much for it._ _

__“I’m so sorry I never saw how much it hurt you for me to leave. What you don’t know, Tooru, is every night I would come home and make sure you were okay, still breathing. So often you’d fallen asleep reading or doing homework or watching videos. I’d fix your bed, put your work away, and take off your glasses when you fell asleep with them on. I gave you a good night kiss every night I could, even the times you stayed with the Iwaizumis. We’d get home early and I stop by. Miyu always let me in. You were always asleep next to Hajime. I would give you a good night kiss, fix your blanket. I know you never knew those things.”_ _

__Tooru wiped away a stray tear. All the hope he clung on to all these years was coming back. He wanted to know more. How did he even know it was the truth? He didn’t, but he also didn’t care. She kneeled in front of him and took his hand, tears streaming down her face._ _

__“When you went to Kitagawa Daiichi, we needed to work more to pay the fees. Then you got invited to Aoba Johsai, you were so excited and we were excited for you, but there were even more fees for being a private school. Don’t feel guilty for one minute, because we wanted to do these things for you because you deserve so much more than we can ever give you, sweetheart, we will work ourselves to death to give you everything you have ever dreamed of. We want to be here, we want to be with you, but the hospital fees make that very difficult. I want you to understand this. I never want you to feel unloved because we do this for you. I promise from now on, if you call me, I don’t care where I am, I will answer you. You are so, so important. I love you so much, much more than I could ever show you.”_ _

__“I love you too,” Tooru choked out, tears streaming down her face._ _

__She took him in her arms, and held him close. Finally, for the first time in a long time, Tooru honestly felt like his mother truly loved him._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a review! :)


	10. Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while. A lot came up and work has been crazy. I hope y'all enjoy this, and thank you all so much for your support! <3

Tooru had texted Hajime multiple times over the last two days. Hajime felt awful about not answering him, but had to be in person. Texts were too messy, the tone was never appropriate, words became misconstrued. The only texts he had sent were simple good morning, good night texts. Tooru was not amused. He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket while he rode the train. He closed his eyes knowing who it was. He’d be at the hospital soon enough.

Hajime’s mind was racing with everything that had happened the day before. He didn’t regret talking to his mother about the issues. It seemed to resolve at least a little bit of the problem, she’d been there when he showed up. Would Tooru understand? Or would he yell at him and throw him out of the room, never wanting to speak to him again? The pit in his stomach grew, and a lump edged up his throat. The fact that despite knowing Tooru for eighteen years, he didn’t know how he was going to react, had his heart racing and palms sweating.

He was thankful to get off the train, rushing through the station, and up the stairs. The hospital wasn’t a far walk from the stop. His bag felt heavy on his shoulder as he got closer. Each step was harder than the last, as through the bag was weighing him down. He tapped his fingers against the rail of the elevator, chewing his lip as he watched the numbers slowly change on the screen. It was taking far too much time, and his breathing labored, body begging for more air. Hajime had never been claustrophobic, but somehow now the space felt suffocating and tight.

A sigh of relief left him when the alarm sounded and the doors opened onto the oncology floor. His heart was in his throat as he walked down the long corridor. Blood rushed through his ears drowning out the sound of the voices around him. Almost there. He could see the door. It opened, Tooru’s mother stepping out of it. He was frozen in place. Things had gone too far yesterday, and he’d been so out of line, so disrespectful. Her eyes locked on him before she dropped her gaze to the ground.

He squared his shoulder in an attempt to gain confidence to move. He had to apologize if he had any hope of resolving this. In his frustration he had lost his temper and said things he shouldn’t have no matter how true it was. It was wrong to talk to people above him in such a manner. His parents would surely hear about. In fact he was surprised he hadn’t already been disciplined for his actions.

“Obasan.” Hajime wet his lips.

“Hi, Hajime. I..”

He cut her off with a low bow. “I sincerely apologize for how I spoke to you. It was disrespectful. I was out of turn. Please accept my apology, and I beg your forgiveness.”

“Hajime…” He glanced up at her words. She motioned for him to straighten up. “Thank you…for everything. While your actions may have been out of turn, it helped me to recognize my shortcoming and I think I’ve cleared things up with my son. I am also sorry for the things that I said to you out of anger. You and your parents are truly a blessing.” She shifted her purse. “I’m stepping out to get dinner. Are you hungry?”

He nodded, eyes still locked to the floor. She gave him a tight hug before walking down the hall, the sound of her heels echoing in his ears, slowly getting more distant. His hand was on the door, all he had to do was open it. His heart was about to jump out of his chest. He took a deep breath, bracing himself as he walked into the room.

Tooru was sitting on the bed, knees pulled up this chest, chin resting on them. His eyes were glued to the television. Hajime stood near the door, watching him, waiting for him to notice him. Nothing. Tooru kept staring straight ahead, engrossed in what he was watching. The room was dim, and the flickering of the television on Tooru’s face was a mix of peaceful and beautiful.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Hajime asked, dropping his bag on the floor.

Tooru’s eyes glanced at him, narrowing in a glare before flashing his eyes back to the television. Hajime took a deep breath. He had dealt with an angry Tooru plenty of times over the years. The important thing was to not push too much, but also not just leave it. Hajime knew this, but he needed to apologize.

“Look I’m sorry.”

A pillow flew across the room. Hajime jumped back, catching it right before it hit him the face. He was impressed he had the strength to throw it that hard since Tooru had been so weak that he needed help to stand or walk. Hajime threw it back, careful not to hit Tooru. He deserved what this. Tooru had every right to be angry. Once more the pillow was flying toward him. It went back and forth for a moment. Hajime laughed, thinking maybe it was a game, but soon realized it wasn’t when Tooru threw the pillow back violently followed by a shoe.

“Hey!” Hajime snapped. “Stop acting like a child.”

Tooru repeated him in a mocking voice. Hajime clenched his fists. The heat rose up his face, blood rushing. He threw the pillow hard at Tooru nearly hitting in the face. Tooru glared at him, holding the pillow his lap. Hajime glared back for a moment before remembering what he had done.

“I’m sorry. I know I messed up, but can we just talk about this instead of you throwing shit at me?”

“No.” Tooru glared at the television.

“Come on. We need to talk, Tooru.”

“No.”

“Please?”

Tooru didn’t respond this time, just stared at the television. Hajime took a deep breath. “Fine. I’ll sit here until you stop acting like a baby.” He took a seat on the edge of the bed only to have Tooru kick him off with a quick nudge of his foot. “Fine. I’ll sit over here. By the way, here’s your lessons.”

**********

Hajime tossed the envelope on the bed before sitting down on the sofa against the wall. Tooru glanced at him through the corner of his eyes. Every ignored text message went through Tooru’s mind, the two days of silence. How dare Hajime come in here acting like he did nothing wrong? What made him think he could accuse Tooru of acting like a child? Tooru’s blood boiled, and tears brimmed in his eyes. He brushed them away with the sleeve of his jacket.

It was like a stab in the chest every time his texts went unanswered. Was it really so hard to answer how his day was? Could he not tell him when he was coming? Tooru’s body trembled. He felt like shit and just needed a distraction from it all, to be kept company by his boyfriend. Apparently it was too much to ask. Every single worry came crashing down around Tooru with every unanswered text. Nobody would like him now that he was sick, not even Hajime. He was brave enough to text Maki which turned out to not be a bad thing. Maki set up a group chat, adding Matsun and Hajime. Tooru watched as Hajime responded to the other two, cutting through Tooru’s chest.

“You know what?” Tooru sat up suddenly, throwing one leg over the bed, the other bent inward. He took a moment for the dizziness to fade away.“I do want to talk about it. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that to me knowing how I’m feeling, knowing about every doubt I have? Tell me because I sure as hell can’t think of one, I’ve been trying for two days now.” His eyes were mere slits as he threw an intense glare at the other boy.

“I needed to tell someone. You broke down and you needed your mom. I know I made a promise to you to never tell, but I had to. You’re so sick, and you need your mom. All I could think about was how even when I have a cold, all I want is my mom to make me soups and cuddle me on the couch while we watch all those awful dramas. You need that.” Hajime tugged on the sleeves of his blazer, eyes glued to the floor.

Tooru laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “You think I’m mad at you because you told your mom?”

“Aren’t you?”

“Yes. No.” Tooru rolled his eyes. “That’s not why I’m pissed off.”

“What did I do?” Hajime shifted his eyes, his brow furrowing as he tried to recall what he had done. It pissed Tooru off even more.

“You stopped talking to me for two days!” Tooru threw the pillow at him again, the tears falling down his cheeks. “I don’t even know how many times I texted you, but you didn’t ever respond! You didn’t even respond to me in the group chat Maki set up.”

“What? Tooru, I wasn’t ignoring you. I sent you texts.” Hajime’s face scrunched.

“Oh right, yes. How could I forget those riveting good morning, good night, I love you texts between the slew of texts I sent you, the questions I sent you. You know I thought…I was beginning to think…” Tooru took a shuddering breath. More hot tears fell down his face. His eyes dropped down to his lap, tears falling down only to be absorbed by the track pants. “I was beginning to think that this was too much for you. That you couldn’t do this anymore.”

“Fuck. Tooru…shit.”

Hajime was next to him, pulling him into a tight hug. Tooru resisted at first, he was still angry after all, but after a moment he let himself melt into Hajime. He loved how he felt in his arms. The familiar smell that was so uniquely Iwaizumi Hajime put his worries to rest. His heart slowed, the lump in his throat slowly shrinking. It had been two days, but he missed him so much. Tooru curled up against Hajime, letting the tears fall into his shirt. Kisses were peppered all over him.

“I wasn’t ignoring you, I swear.” Hajime locked pinkies with him like when they were kids. It had been so long since they’d done that, years since all their small rituals for promises and pacts had long since dissolved into a memory of the days when they were little without a care in the world chasing bugs for Hajime’s bug collection. They had grown up and such things had seemed so childish, but at that moment, with their pinkies locked, a wave of reassurance washed over him. Tooru squeezed back.

“So what were you doing?”

“I was afraid you’d be angry at me for telling my mom about what happened. I thought it would be better to talk to you in person and I knew if I responded to any of your questions or texts that it would come up. I did try to come by that evening, but your mom was here and she was so angry at me. You were asleep and she was there for you like you wanted, like you needed, so I figured I’d leave it alone and come back today. I didn’t mean to ghost you.”

“Oh…” Tooru played with their hands, lacing and unlacing their fingers. “So you’re not tired of me?”

“The fact that you have to ask that question when I’ve put up with eighteen years of your bullshit should answer that question.” Hajime laughed.

“I do not do bullshit, Iwa-chan!” Tooru nudged him in his ribs.

“Oh, but you do! You’re always up to something and then I have to deal with it and keep you out of trouble.” Hajime grinned. “So if I was tired of you, I think you would have known a long time ago.”

“Rude.” Tooru pouted, snuggling closer to his boyfriend. “I’m just trying to keep things interesting and this is how you repay me? Don’t act like you don’t love every second of this.”

“You make me laugh, so there’s that.” Hajime kissed his head. “There’s never a dull moment with Oikawa Tooru, that’s for sure.”

“I know. You’re so boring, I have to do something or it would be a total snooze fest of a friendship.” Tooru grinned.

“Shut up.” Hajime rolled his eyes, trying to hold back a grin. “If you weren’t sick, I’d push you on the floor.”

“Mean!” Tooru sat up. “But I’m sick so you can’t be mean.” He pecked him on the lips.

“Unfortunately…”

“You’re so mean to me! Why do I put up with you?” Tooru threw his hands in the air, rolling his eyes, an exasperated expression on his face.

“Because you love me,” Hajime pulled him into a kiss. Tooru wrapped his arms around him, melting into it.

“I know. It’s a curse really.” Tooru snickered.

“So do you forgive me?” Hajime chewed his lip.

“No. I’ll think about it,” Tooru hummed. “But you do have to pay a fine.”

“Huh?”

“A million cuddles and a thousand kisses. Pay up, Iwaizumi.”

“Huh?” Hajime stared at Tooru who was laying against him. “So...you’re not mad?”

“Oh I am livid,” Tooru glared, blood rushing through his veins. “But I’m also sick and want comfort. Hold me.” 

Hajime cursed under his breath, standing up. “Hold on.”

Tooru rolled his eyes. Even if it wasn’t on purpose, Tooru was still mad, still hurt. He picked up his phone, heart dropping at the memories of his texts going unanswered. He chewed his lip, reading through the group chat. It was cleared up. Everything should be okay. But it wasn’t. It just didn’t make since to him how Hajime could seriously ignore him and act like he’d done nothing. Would he do it again? If it was not big deal to him, then what else would he do? He shivered at the thought. 

Hajime was ruffling through his duffel bag for something to change into. He threw his blazer over a chair, and started changing into their team shirt. Tooru watched him, admiring the way his muscles moved with him. He had seen him like this so many times, but this time all he could think about was how attractive it was, how much he wanted to be able to do more than he was able. It also reminded him of the fact that he was losing his physique to this cancer. There was no way that Hajime would ever want to do more with him looking so...emaciated. No matter who told him it wasn’t true, it’s how he felt about himself. It was painful. Why would Hajime stay?

Tooru’s heart skipped a beat when Hajime met his eyes. He smirked and posed. “Tooru...are you checking me out?”

“Maybe…” Tooru smirked. 

“You’re a loser.” 

Hajime laughed, pulling his shirt down. Tooru sighed, still watching him. He really was beautiful. It wasn’t fair. Maybe in another life they could have been together when they were both healthy and this could have more romantic and beautiful instead of sad and miserable. He hated all of this. The whole situation sent Tooru’s blood rushing through his veins, deafening his ears. It wasn’t right. 

“Move over. Let me get comfortable before you suffocate me,” Hajime joked, pushing Tooru over. Tooru shoved him back causing the other boy to almost fall off the bed. 

“I’m not talking to you...just so you know. I still want cuddles, but I’m not talking to you because you are so mean and an asshole. Just so you know, I hate you.” Tooru muttered, getting comfortable.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve heard that before. We both know you’ll start with the Iwa-chan soon enough. You don’t have it in you to be quiet that long.” Hajime pulled him close, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I love you.”

“Whatever…” 

Tooru rolled his eyes, settling into his boyfriend’s body as warmth and comfort washed over him. He closed his eyes to soak it all in. His muscles slowly began to relax, all tension leaving him. Little by little his breathing slowed and his heart was no longer sinking. They laid there watching Finding Nemo. He tried to focus on the movie, but his mind was still on overdrive. 

“I cannot believe you ignored me. I am so pissed off.” He glared at the television. Hajime hummed in response. Tooru’s blood boiled at the response. That was all he had to say? “Fuck you, Iwa-chan.” Another hum. “I still hate you.”

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up, Tooru. I heard you the first hundred times, I know you don’t hate me, so stop.” Hajime pulled Tooru closer. 

“I mean it, Hajime. I hate you.” Tooru huffed.

“I thought you weren’t talking to me. I was finally getting to enjoy a moment where you weren’t chattering like crazy. Hush, you’re ruining it.” 

Hajime’s voice was rough and tired. Tooru loved when his voice sounded like that. It made him seem more real, more raw. Maybe, just maybe Tooru could forgive him...just this once, though he had broken two rules. The way he felt in Hajime’s arm, with the hot breath on his neck was more than enough to make him think twice. He snuggled into his boyfriend, anger melting from his body was sleep took him. 

 

***********

The hospital room no longer looked like a hotel room. All the clothes that were strewn around were neatly tucked in duffel bags for the journey home. Books, notebooks, and movies were tucked away in Tooru's backpack. He sat on the edge of the bed, a grin on his face. After two weeks cramped in the small, dimly lit room that smelled like cleaner he was eager to leave. 

Thoughts and plans raced through his head. The nurse had given him his first of three doses of steroids that morning to boost his immune system to help prevent him from getting sick in the world outside the sterile confines of the hospital. He couldn't wait for them to kick in so he could get the promise of energy and strength. Sleeping and sitting around all day made his muscles ache begging for movement. He had been so active before. He couldn't wait to be able to race Hajime down the street like they'd done since they were kids. It was possible his doctor had said. 

"Are you ready to go home?" His mother smiled from across the room where she was folding a blanket. "You look so happy."

"Yes! I can't wait. Oh, can my friends come over to spend the night? I really want to do a movie night with snacks and stuff like before. Please?" Tooru did his best to give her puppy eyes. 

"Snacks? Are you feeling okay to eat?" Her eyes lit up at the possibility. 

His stomach flipped at the idea, a lump rising in his throat. His nose scrunched involuntarily at the idea of food. He'd been able to keep steamed rice and plain rice cakes down occasionally, but more often than not he spent time vomiting until his stomach was working its way up out of him. Occasionally the retching was so violent, blood came up as well. 

"No...but my friends would like it." He offered a smile. 

His mother sighed, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She glanced at where his father sat reading the newspaper. Tooru tugged at his sleeves. It wasn't his fault, and he was getting tired of being told to behave or just try it. Why did they care so much? They didn't seem to worry about the fact that he just threw it up. They just wanted to see him swallow the food. 

"This is absolutely ridiculous, Jin. He hasn't been able to eat for almost two damn weeks, and they still aren't doing anything but giving him the same drugs that obviously aren't working. So what? He's going to waste away and starve? We need to complain to someone and demand they do more. I am up to here with this hospital!" His mother fumed. 

"They're doing what they can. Remember what they said, just like Keishi, once he's bit further out, eating will be easier." His father didn't look up from his reading material.

"Until then what? And even if that's the case, he'll just be back in for another dose. I'm done."

Tooru rolled his eyes, tuning them out. It would just dampen his mood more than it already was. He was tired of the yelling and ranting, and his parents arguing in front of him about him as though he wasn't even there. He hated it, always had. Being an active part of making decisions about his own life was never an option when his parents had a say. 

He picked up his phone to scroll through Instagram. The pouring in of well wishes was still never ending. It was what was helping him keep in good spirits. People care, actually cared and that was more than enough. Nami had texted him about going on a walk when he was feeling up to it to have sibling time. His heart swelled at the thought. 

Hajime, Matsun, and Maki were all excited to see him. The group chat was blowing up despite his friends being in school. They had gotten good at hiding their texting in class. While he waited, he texted them with all the plans for them to come by for the night. There wasn't school the next day, but there was afternoon practice. Tooru wanted to go, but he knew his parents nor his sister would let him. His friends agreed that he should wait a little longer for the steroids to kick in. He didn't really need to be around so many germs right now. 

 

The sound of the door opening brought the smile back to his face. This was it. After two weeks he was going to get to go home. His heart lept out of his chest, racing a mile a minute. He his is walking papers. The nurse couldn’t get through the discharge teaching fast enough. His body vibrated in anticipation. Tooru tapped his foot to get rid of some of the nervous energy. 

“You’re free to go. I’ll see you in two weeks unless you decide to misbehave. You did so great. I’m so great. I’m really proud.” The nurse smiled. 

“Thank you.” 

Tooru and his parents made their way down to the ground floor. The elevator ride seemed to take forever to get down. He wondered if it would look different outside. Would things be drastically different, or would it just be a normal late September day? Either way he was excited to see it. He leaned against the side of the elevator counting down the numbers. 

His father nudged him, a smile playing on his face. Tooru smiled back. His father was trying to tell him it was okay misinterpreting his energy as anxious rather than excited. He couldn’t find a way to explain to his parents how much he missed smelling fresh air. He was so cramped up in that room and his lungs were screaming for something real to nourish them. Ever since he was a little kid, he loved being outside, and being indoors for too long was draining. He was sure that sun would give him a bit more energy. He made a mental note to sit in the sun and read until he was tired from the warmth. 

Finally the doors opened, a bell signalling they had reached the ground floor. Tooru followed his parents through the lobby toward the exit. The sunlight shining through the windows made his eyes burn for a moment as they adjusted. He couldn’t get out fast enough. Once out of the hospital, he took in the sweet smell of the flowers nearby, and the trees getting ready to sleep for the winter. The air was crisp, reminding him of apples and early morning practice. He welcomed every second of it. 

He was free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment! <3


	11. Just Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at that! Another one! This is nice. I hope y'all like this. I'm quite proud of it. 
> 
> Okay sooooo I'm not into country, but I'm from Texas and was raised on it, so there are certain songs that I do like. I listend to Sarabeth by Rascal Flats writing this chapter if y'all wanna check it out. :)

Few things in life were truly appreciated, at least that had been Tooru’s experience. Before he got sick, he never really noticed how comfortable his bed was, or how the stars and planet decals his father had put up when he was little illuminated his room in a dull yellow-white. He had never paid much attention to the familiar smell of his home, a floral mix with cinnamon and the smell of food. The lights in the house were soft on his eyes, but gave just the right amount of illumination for everything to be beautiful. His video game console sat untouched on the shelf under his television stand. Tooru had never been one to play video games, but his friends did so Tooru had asked for the latest one just to keep his friends entertained. Movies and DVDs were scattered around the room seperate from the ones neatly placed on the shelf where they belonged, his favorites. 

Other things he noticed was the way Hajime spoke to him, even when he was shouting at him or being gruff, there was always a certain softness to it. His eyes twinkled when he stared at him, studying his face. Hajime’s laughs were all different, and it was a sound that Tooru never wanted to miss. It was like the ringing of bells on a cold winter night. 

There were so many things Tooru was just noticing for the first time in his eighteen years after getting out of the hospital. It was almost overwhelming. Things were the way they were and that was that, but now it was like how it had been when he had gotten glasses for the first time when he was eight. Everything became clear, all the blurred lines and images were suddenly new and filled with such detail that he had never seen before. It was exhilarating, and he didn’t take him long to start pestering his friends about such things. They probably couldn’t have cared less about the way the sun hit the leaves in such a poetic manner or anything else he said that in all honesty probably sounded pretentious if he was open with himself, but he didn’t want them to miss out. If his experience with cancer could impact the people he loved to pay more attention to life, then he was happy.

Every day was something to look forward to which was why Tooru woke up with a smile on his face. He kept his eyes closed for a moment, taking in the sounds of the birds chirping outside and the television downstairs. The smell of something delicious cooking wafted up to his room from downstairs. It must be Nami. He hugged the blanket around him, rolling to his side. Sunlight poured through the window, a golden hue, warm on his skin. He pulled his glasses on and took in his room. He had missed it so much. Part of him was tempted just to stay in his nice, warm, cozy bed, but he knew he needed to get up. 

He groaned as he pushed himself up off the bed. He checked his phone hoping to hear from any of his friends. Word was getting around that he was out of the hospital and it was starting to create a stir. Everyone was wanting to come see him, or asking if he wanted to hang out, or when he was going to come back to school. Even people who he had only talked to once in his entire life were messaging him on social media. It was too much. He just wanted to relax and have some fun with Hajime, Matsun, and Maki. That was it. 

Tooru sighed, tossing the phone on the bed beside him and stood up. He needed to get out of his pajamas unfortunately, go be a normal functional member of society once more. A smile played on his lips. He could wear real clothes. He dug through his closet trying to figure out what to wear. He decided on a pair of jeans and the oversized pastel purple hoodie Hajime had gotten him while he was in the hospital for his knee injury. There was a black circle with a cute alien doing a peace sign. 

He hummed softly as he started to fix his hair, only to his horror did he find a clump of hair in his hand. His heart started racing as he stared at it, a lump rising in his throat. He glanced over at the bed, noticing it being covered in hair. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe. The walls were closing in on him as the blood rushed through his ears, vision tunneling. 

_No. No. No!_

A sob escaped his throat as he slid down the wall to sit on the floor. He wept into his arms. Everything was suddenly too real. He knew it was coming, knew what to expect, but seeing it made everything sink in. He was sick, really sick. He had cancer and everything that came with it. He was staring the evidence right in front of his face. Why now? Why was he being hit with this sudden realization now after going through seven days of chemo and another week in the hospital?

He closed his eyes trying desperately to make everything stop, to calm his racing heart, swallow the lump in throat. Deep breath in...out...in...out. Tooru was exhausted when he finally managed to feel calm. He didn’t know what to do. Should he go downstairs and talk to his sister about this, maybe pretend it wasn’t really happening? No...He needed Hajime. 

Hajime answered on the third ring, his voice groggy with sleep. It was nearly twelve in the afternoon, and any other day Tooru would have given him grief for being asleep so late. For now he just needed his best friend. Tooru didn’t speak at first, his voice caught somewhere beneath the lump refusing to leave. 

“Why the fuck are you calling me so early?” Hajime grunted.

“It’s noon, silly.” Tooru tried to hide the tremble in his voice and sound happy. “I was thinking...would you want to come over?” 

“What’s wrong?” There was a certain edge to his voice. 

“Nothing. Why do you ask? I’m feeling great. Those steroids really did there job. I wanna race, oooh can we go running? Let’s adventure through the woods in the park. Or maybe we could just drive far away and never look back.” 

The smile on Tooru’s face was genuine. All the ideas made his heart swell. He begged for Hajime to answer, to agree to just one. If he could just for a second he wanted to distract Hajime from the real conversation they needed to have, the one where Tooru cries to him about how scared he is. That’s what all this was, fear. The realization dawned on him suddenly. Before being sick was just this abstract thing, take the medicine and get better. The hair lying on his pillow was his mortality staring him in the face. People died from cancer every day, even from leukemia with its almost sure cure. 

“Tooru?”

“Yeah?” Tooru breathed.

“Did you hear a word I said?” Hajime sounded a mix of annoyed and concerned. 

“Of course I did, Iwa-chan.” Tooru forced a laugh.

“What did I say?”

Tooru was quiet for a moment, trying to think of something to say. “You were calling me a dumbass for waking you up, and you’ll come by later today, but you don’t think I’m well enough to run even though I am. You’re worried I’m going to get sick if we go to the woods, and you have a test Monday and practice tomorrow so you can’t just run away.” Tooru was quite proud of himself.

“What?” Hajime cursed under his breath. “Dammit Tooru tell me what the fuck is wrong. Stop lying and hiding it from me. You called me for a reason, so spill.” 

“I...uh...Well…” Tooru felt new tears pulling in his eyes. He stopped. He couldn’t say it outloud, couldn’t phrase it.

“Tooru?”

“Please come over. I need you.” Tooru whispered, leaning his head back against the wall. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Do about what?”

Tooru hung up the phone. He couldn’t deal with it now. Hajime was calling back, but Tooru rejected the call and threw his phone to the side. No more phone calls. No more texts. This was bigger than any of that. He just needed his best friend. 

He could see Hajime getting angry, cursing under his breath, muttering about how frustrating Tooru was while he got dressed. He was probably scrambling, getting annoyed that he couldn’t find his jacket that was laying across his chair, making a mental note to clean his room even though everyone knew that Hajime would always have a messy room. He was making his way downstairs now, running his fingers through his hair because he never properly brushed it before sliding his snapback on backwards. He’d call to his mom he was going to the Oikawas. Pulling on his skate shoes he loved so much as he walked out the door. 

Ten. 

Nine. 

Eight. 

Seven. 

Six. 

Five. 

Four. 

Three. 

Two. 

One.

Tooru heard the knock at the door and voices downstairs, wafting their way up. He braced himself, waiting. There were footsteps on the stairs. He braced himself as the door opened revealing Hajime, a scowl on his face. Hajime threw the door shut, and pushed a bento box into his hands. He positioned himself to sit next to Tooru, resting his elbows on his knees bent up in front of him. There were no words, but it wasn’t silent. 

“Nee-chan said to give that to you. She made you breakfast, a lot of bland stuff that hopefully you can eat. She didn’t realize you were up and she didn’t want to disturb you.” Hajime’s voice was quiet. 

“Oh…thanks.” 

Tooru picked at the food, wondering if he could even stomach it. Just one more thing to shove cancer in his face. His stomach growled with need, begging Tooru to give in and eat. He took a few breaths before trying it. He forced himself to eat several bites, but the bitter metallic taste in his mouth had him gagging. He pushed the box to Hajime who took it with a torn expression. 

“I can’t eat it. Don’t let it go to waste. Nee-chan has been slaving away. She’s made it her new life goal to find something I can eat, so maybe you, Matsun, and Maki should come keep me company. You can all play the role of the dog that waits under the table for table scraps of food I don’t like.” 

Tooru laid his head on Hajime’s shoulder, lacing and unlacing their fingers. Hajime had such large hands, strong and calloused. There was black on them from helping his dad with fixing up their cars, and at his shop. Tooru felt as though his hand was dwarfed in comparison. His fingers were long and nimble, but there wasn’t the same strength, the same character. He’d never done any manual labor in his life. His hands were soft. He wondered what Hajime thought of them. 

“So...what’s wrong?” Hajime ventured taking a large bite of food. 

Tooru’s eyed the food. It did look good. It was a skillet meal he recognized. There was so much color. His sister always made the best skillet breakfasts now after she’d gone to university in Paris. She’d picked up some of the cooking styles. Tooru wanted to go to Paris. It sounded so nice. His parents never went to visit Nami, so Tooru never had the chance. Maybe he could go when he got better, a trip to celebrate. 

“Hey,” Hajime nudged him. 

 

Tooru hugged his knees and stared at the floor, thinking. He had to make a choice about what he was going to do. It was inevitable that he was going to lose his hair. That was clear now, no matter how much he’d hoped he’d be fortunate enough to not experience this. Seeing his hair on his pillow had been bordering traumatic. He could just shave his head, pretend like it was his choice. Maybe it was. He still had his hair and it wasn’t noticeable yet. But each time his head rubbed against something or he ran his hand through it, it would get worse. He wasn’t that deluded.

The idea of it was a bit empowering. Chemo hadn’t won the battle against his hair yet, and he could still beat it. It was just hair. It would grow back when he was better. The doctors wanted him to go through three rounds before he went through more testing. He wasn’t looking forward another bone marrow biopsy. He deal with not having hair for three rounds. He had already knocked out round one. Being bald was the least of his worries at the moment. And it was a sign that he was getting better, wasn’t it? Going through chemo was a step to getting better. A smile twitched on his lips.

“Iwa-chan?” Tooru turned his head to look at him.

“Hm?” Hajime was halfway done with the breakfast. Tooru couldn’t help but laugh. “What?” he said through a mouthful. “You woke me up and I’m hungry.”

“Ew! Iwa-chan, close your mouth when you have food!” He covered the other boy’s mouth. Hajime licked his palm eliciting a squeak from Tooru. “That’s so gross!”

“Yeah?” Hajime smirked.

“Yeah.”

“You think my tongue is gross?”

“And your spit,” Tooru made a face. Hajime pulled him into his lap.

“Really?” Hajime was inches from his face.

“Really.” Tooru grinned.

“Because I think,” Hajime laid Tooru down on the floor, pinning Tooru’s hand on either side of his head as he leaned down over. “That you are lying.”

“I’m not.” Tooru stared up at him. He moved out of Hajime’s grip and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, playing with his hair.

Hajime leaned down, pressing his lips to against Tooru’s. Tooru closed his eyes and kissed him back. All he could think about was Hajime. He was everywhere. His weight lying against him was comforting. He loved the way his boyfriend was holding his chin was they kissed. The familiar smell surrounded him. Hajime deepened the kiss, and for a moment, Tooru forgot all about every other worry in his life and just lived in the moment with the boy he loved. Hajime pulled away.

“I knew you were lying.” Hajime picked up the bento box from where he’d set it, a smug look on his face.

“That’s cheating!” Tooru whined.

“You’re the one lying, Oikawa Tooru,” Hajime stuck his tongue out at him.

“You’re acting like a child!”

“I learn from you. You’re a bad influence.”

Tooru proceeded to pout. He felt better, more at ease. Hajime had always had that effect on him. They could joke around and laugh. It had been especially important today. He wished that Hajime had the power to cure his cancer the way he quelled his anxieties. Hajime was such an amazing person, and so few people realized that. Tooru wasn’t sure what he’d do without him at his side. He knew he’d be lost without him, and there was no way he would have been so good at his sport. A diagnosis like this would have completely devastated him without Hajime at his side. 

“So...what’s wrong?” Hajime pressed. 

“My hair started falling out this morning.” Tooru was shocked how calm his voice was. He met Hajime’s eyes. “I think I want to just shave it.”

Hajime’s raised his eyebrows for a second before just nodding, finishing the food. He set it aside and pulled Tooru against him, Tooru positioned between his legs, his back to Hajime. They were quiet, Hajime just holding him, chin resting on Tooru’s shoulder. It was peaceful, the two of them cuddled up like this in the room where so much of their friendship had taken place. Long talks laying side by side on the floor or bed. Tooru wiggling his way in for free cuddles. Tooru was certain now that it had been in this room that he’d first fallen for his best friend. He loved being here with the person he loved most.

Tooru closed his eyes, thinking about everything. There was so much going on, changing. He was scared, terrified, and not just about the possibility that he very well could die though he’d never stop believing he was going to get better. He hadn’t been well liked throughout his childhood and it wasn’t until puberty he’d gained friends. Part of him wondered if he’d have friends now with his stupid glasses, no hair, and a sickly demeanor. He couldn’t play volleyball anymore, so there was another thing down the drain. It was vain and superficial, he understood that, he always had, but it was all he had. Nobody had talked to him before that. 

“I’m really scared, Hajime,” Tooru whispered. 

“I know.” Hajime kissed his cheek. “Me too.” 

Tooru nodded. He turned to face Hajime, straddling his lap to be as close as he could get to him. He wrapped his arms around him, studying Hajime’s face, running his eyes over every inch of him. It was like a dream. This person, this perfect boy who had no reason in the world to like him, loved him. Someone as good as Iwaizumi Hajime loved someone as ridiculous as him. He put up with every breakdown, every annoying and stupid thing Tooru had ever done, all the times he’d freaked out, and yet…Hajime loved him. 

“I love you so much.” Tooru breathed.

He kissed him softly, taking note of how soft Hajime’s lips were, how very different it was compared to his hands. Tooru pushed Hajime’s hat back, running his fingers through his hair to feel more of him. Thick and sturdy. It was so fitting. He put the hat on Hajime’s head, a cute smile on his face. Hajime stared at him with a crooked smile before pulling Tooru closer and kissing him hard. When they pulled apart, Tooru pulled the hat over Hajime’s eyes.

“You’re such a loser,” Hajime laughed. “I love you.”

Tooru laughed softly as he laid his head in the crook of Hajime’s neck, eyes closed. He never wanted to move. If he could stay here and pause time everything would be perfect. If he ever met a genie and got three wishes it would to stay with Hajime always, get better, and meet an alien that could also be Godzilla so Hajime would be happy. 

“So…” Hajime started, gently running his fingers through Tooru’s hair. Tooru was afraid it was coming out in his hand, and closed his eyes tighter. “When do you want to get this over with?”

Tooru pulled back to see Hajime smiling at him. He took a deep breath, backing out of Hajime’s lap to give him some room. His heart pounded in his chest. He wanted to do this. It wasn’t like he had a choice in the matter to lose his hair. It was going to happen and it could be on his terms or on leukemia and chemo. If he went ahead and shaved it now, then he could feel like he at least had some control over what was happening. 

“Give me one second.” 

Tooru pushed himself off the floor, wobbling just a bit as the blood rush hit him. Hajime was there suddenly, just popped up and ready to steady him. Tooru took a few breaths before moving again, this time without Hajime’s help. He was feeling a bit better day by day. He hoped soon he wouldn’t get so dizzy standing quickly. 

He found his phone lying on his bed, opening up Instagram. This needed to be documented. It was such a big step in this whole journey, and he really was going to look back on this to see how strong he really was, how much fight and determination he was capable of when all this was over. He’d be his own inspiration, and he hoped it would help others too. 

“Take a picture with me.” Tooru glanced at Hajime.

Hajime shifted, rolling his eyes before nodding. “I guess. You know I don’t like pictures.’

“See, you say that, but every time I take a picture you let me.”

“Because otherwise you’ll whine about it for an hour until I finally give in. Better to just skip the whining.” 

“You’re so mean to me.” Tooru pouted.

“Well someone has to hold your string down to the ground or you’d fly away.” Hajime grinned. “Tell me how you want this, Mr. Photography.”

Tooru took no time in jumping in for their photoshoot. He needed this to be perfect, well he always wanted pictures to be perfect. Everyone needed to be standing right, posing properly, the lighting needed to be perfect, and he knew the angles. He directed Hajime to stand behind him, arms around Tooru’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder. Tooru had to make adjustments to make up for the height difference, but it was okay. The photo was perfect. 

_OikawaTTTTooru: Hi guys! So it’s been two weeks since I started chemo and this morning I woke up to a lot of hair on my pillow. It’s coming out every time I touch it so Iwa-chan is gonna shave it for me. It’s MY choice. Fuck you chemo. Tooru: 1 Chemo: 0 Say bye bye to my hair! #TeamTooru #ILoveHim #BestFriendsForever #We’reCute #leukemia #blessed #AlwaysStayPositive #BaldIsBeautiful #IMakeGlassesSexy_

“I’m ready.” 

***********

Hajime watched Tooru put his phone on his bedside table. He turned around tentatively. He was nervous. This was going to be so hard for Tooru. He took such pride in his appearance, a little too much honestly. No contacts had practically broken him. He’d ranted and raved and cried to Hajime about how awful it was, about how glasses made him look like a huge nerd. He was, but Tooru wasn’t amused by Hajime’s observation. Tooru was going to need coaxing and a strong hand. 

“Come on.” 

Hajime held out his hand. Tooru stared at it for a moment before taking it. He led him down the hallway toward the bathroom. Hajime closed the door behind them, locking the door without Tooru noticing. Tooru pushed himself up to sit on the counter, staring at his feet as he kicked them. Nervous energy was radiating from him. 

He dug through the cabinet, trying to ignore the feeling he was getting from Tooru. There was an electric razor in here somewhere among all the product Tooru insisted on buying. He wondered if maybe it had been misplaced or maybe Tooru had hid it knowing him. Finally he found it. 

Tooru’s eyes glued to it the second it was out in the open. Hajime avoided looking at him. He closed the cabinet, and plugged the razor in. He made sure to stand between Tooru and the door. There was no way he was going to let him out before the deed was done. He knew his best friend. He was flighty, made decisions that were for the best and tried to weasel his way out when it made him uncomfortable. This was one thing Hajime was not going to let slide. It would be far more traumatic for him to lose his hair little by little. Tooru needed control. 

“You ready?” Hajime asked turning it on. 

Tooru was still staring at the razor. His adam’s apple jerked at him swallowing. He licked his lips, before pulling in his lower lip. Two slow breaths. Silence. 

“It’ll be okay,” Hajime took his face in his hands, kissing him gently. 

“Hajime?” Tooru’s voice was barely above a whisper. He batted those long lashes for a moment before raising his eyes to meet Hajime’s. “Will you still find me attractive after this?”

“What?” Hajime blinked. Had he heard him correctly?

“Well I feel like it’s all I have left. I have to wear these stupid glasses. I have stupid raccoon eyes. I’ve lost a lot of weight so I look so sick. All I have left is my hair, and now it’s going to go. I’ll just be so gross.” Tears hung to his lashes. 

“Tooru,” Hajime pulled him into a hug. “You will always be the most beautiful person I know.”

“Really? Even though I’m gross and sick?”

Hajime rolled his eyes. “You’re so superficial. You always brighten my day. You make me laugh. You’re caring, smart, kind, talented, driven, loyal. Tooru, you’re my best friend. I would be lost without you. So yes, you’ll always be attractive. Don’t you dare ever think anything less.”

Tooru had small smile on his face. He took Hajime’s hand and kissed his knuckles. Hajime’s heart fluttered. He had known Tooru all his life. Most things were comfortable and barely phased him, but there was something in that moment that put butterflies in Hajime’s stomach. He felt like he had a new crush as his cheeks burned. He pulled Tooru close, careful for him not to see. He didn’t want that joke being thrown at him. 

“Okay,” Tooru’s voice had a slight quiver to it. He was trying to be strong and keep his voice steady. 

“You need to be lower than me so I can do this properly.” Hajime frowned. 

They should have thought this through better. Hajime cursed Tooru’s height for the nth time.

“Here sit on the edge of the tub.” Hajime tested the cord length. “Fuck. It won’t reach. Tooru, stay right there. I’ll be right back. Move and inch, and I’ll drag you back in here.” 

Tooru’s eyebrows raised. He lifted a hand slowly to his forehead in a salute. Hajime smirked and grabbed Tooru’s desk chair. They could clean the hair off later. He found Tooru sitting on the floor, playing with what Hajime guessed was his phone. Tooru had put his own phone in the bedside table and he had gone to Tooru’s room for the chair. He rolled his eyes. 

“What did I say?” 

Tooru jerked his head at him and laughed nervously. “It was uncomfortable.”

“Sure.” Hajime rolled his eyes and snatched the phone from Tooru’s hands. 

“Hey!”

“You stole that out of my pocket, you little shit.” Hajime muttered.

“Um, rude. You’re the one who didn’t realize I swiped it from your jeans pocket when you hugged me.” Tooru stuck his tongue out at him. “You really should reconsider going to a university in Tokyo until you learn how to protect yourself against pickpockets.” Tooru shook his head, clicking his tongue.

“Traitor. I trusted you.”

“That was your first mistake, Iwa-chan.” Tooru blew a kiss at him. 

Hajime’s phone dinged a few times. He was afraid to what it was. Tooru had been on his phone, and he knew better than to think it was just something innocent. He was doing something, pulling some prank. He blinked at the Facebook notifications. He opened the app to find Tooru had made a new status:

_Iwaizumi Hajime: Oikawa Tooru is the best, most beautiful, and funny person in the world. (✿ ♥‿♥) He makes my heart sing. He’s the best setter in the entire world, so suck it Kageyama. Fuck you. 凸(¬‿¬) Seriously. Anyways, my boyfriend is better than everyone ever. I am an unworthy peasant. He’s perfect. ٩(♡ε♡ )۶ I love him ( ˘ ³˘)♥. You can fuck off too Ushijima. ╭∩╮(︶︿︶)╭∩╮_

_Hanamaki Takahiro: GAAAAAAAY_

_Matsukawa Issei: Woooooow. See I would think Tooru stole your phone except you spend so much time with him you’re probably getting corrupt._

_Hanamaki Takahiro: Still gay af_

Hajime raised his eyes to meet Tooru’s sparkling eyes. He had his lips sucked in trying to keep himself from laughing. “I am going to fucking kill you…” 

“You can’t kill me! You love me.” Tooru held his hands up defensively. Hajime smacked him in the stomach. “Ow! Hey! That’s so rude.”

“You’re rude.” Hajime muttered as he deleted the message. “Sit. I’m going to enjoy this.”

Tooru stared at him for a moment before sitting down silently. No remark, no comeback. Just silence. The smile was gone from his face, replaced with a grave look. He chewed on his lip, eyes averted, wringing his hands in his lap, knee bouncing. 

“Hey.” Hajime wrapped his arms around Tooru’s shoulders and kissed his cheek. “It’s going to be okay.” A tear ran down Tooru’s face. “Shit. Tooru, I’m sorry.”

“I hate you sometimes.” Tooru muttered. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. Look…” Hajime sighed, leaning against the counter as he tried to figure out a way to fix this. “I know this is hard for you, and it was just a silly prank. I’m not mad. I was just joking around too. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“Okay.”

“I’m serious.”

“Fine.”

“Oh my god…” Hajime sighed. “Are you going to keep saying it’s okay when it’s not okay? Or are we going to have a mature conversation about this? I get that I hurt you. You don’t have to forgive me. You can be mad. Just...talk.”

“Fiine.” Tooru took a deep breath. “This is hard. Everything is literally the worst and you want to joke about that shit? Like serious get fucked, Iwaizumi.”

Hajime waited for more, but there was nothing left. Tooru just continued to glare at the floor. Hajime hated himself, he always did when he took things too far. There was a fine line that both of them constantly toed. They both crossed it, but Hajime sometimes felt like it was more often him than Tooru. Maybe it wasn’t true, but it was how it felt. It could be partly due to how Tooru reacted to it. 

“Anything else?” Hajime pressed.

“No.” Tooru shrugged. “Just do it and get it over with. Please. I’m getting so tired.”

“I thought your steroids were making you feel better?” Hajime frowned getting things set up. 

“They do, but they’re still taking a little while to fully kick in. Plus I’ve been crying a lot today so my eyes hurt. And I’ve been stressed so...Mostly I just want the pit in my stomach to disappear, and my heart to stop pounding, and for my head to just shut up.”

Hajime nodded. He kissed Tooru softly for a moment before stepping back. “Maybe you should take your shirt off so it doesn’t get all the hair in it.” 

“Are you trying to check me out?” Tooru gave a sly look. 

“Sure.” Hajime shrugged. 

“I’ll have you know, Iwa-chan, that I am one piece of ass. Look all you want, babe.” Tooru winked, making a show of pulling off his top. Hajime was glad he was feeling better. 

“Mhm.” 

“Okay.” Tooru sat down again. He took a few breaths. “Okay, let’s do this.”

Hajime nodded, flipping the razor on. Tooru tensed. Hajime stood in front of Tooru about to begin. About an inch away from his hair, Tooru jumped back practically falling off the chair. 

“Wait!” 

“What?”

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

“Yes? I can’t really mess this up. Sit.” Hajime tried to still his heart. 

“What if you don’t get it even?” Tooru squeezed himself. 

“I’ll fix it. It’s going to all come out anyway.” Hajime fiddled with the switch of the razor. 

“Okay. Okay.” Tooru nodded. 

He sat down once more only for it to happen again. 

“Can we do this later? I think we should do it later.” 

Tooru tried to leave. Hajime stepped in front of him to prevent him access to the door. 

“Sit.”

This continued back and forth for what felt like an eternity, until Tooru was an anxious mess. Hajime hated seeing him like this. He wanted nothing more than to make this not be necessary, but it was. His blood pressure was rising, and his patience was growing short. Tooru was right there, pestering him to leave. 

“That’s it.” Hajime snapped. “I am so tired of this. It’s just hair. See?” 

Before he could think twice, or Tooru could react, Hajime put the razor to his hair. It really wasn’t a big deal. He ignored Tooru’s shock. This was like when they were little and everyone had to show Tooru it was okay. Hajime remembered his mom once jumped in one of the hot springs to convince him and Tooru that it was okay. This was like that. 

He finished up, making sure he was even. “Did i get everything?” Hajime glanced over his shoulder at Tooru who was leaning against the wall.

“Yeah…”

“What do you think?”

“It suits you.” 

Hajime smiled. “Okay, your turn.”

Tooru sat down without a word, and closed his eyes. This time he let Hajime do his work. It felt almost criminal to shave all the hair off his best friend’s head. Tooru had spent so much time on it, and everyone always commented on it. It was like silk and always smelled of lavender and coconut oil. But if anyone could pull this off, it was Tooru. 

“All done.” Hajime flipped the razor off and hugged Tooru once more. He planted a big kiss to Tooru’s cheek. “You can open your eyes.”

“I’m scared to,” Tooru whimpered. 

“It’s okay. You look good. Who else could pull this look off better than you?”

“Okay....but you better not be lying.” Tooru peaked out of one eye. 

Hajime had been prepared for tears, for a breakdown. But Tooru was calm. He stared at himself for a moment before standing up and walking out of the bathroom to his bedroom forgetting his shirt and hoodie on the floor. Hajime’s heart almost burst out of his chest. This was bad. 

He grabbed the clothes and rushed to the bedroom. 

Tooru was sitting on the bed, phone in his hands again. He had put the snapback Hajime had given him on that third day of chemo on. He smiled at Hajime, patting the spot next to him. “Follow up selfie. Get the other ” 

“O...kay?” Hajime sat next to him, following Tooru’s directions. Tooru snapped the picture before uploading it. 

_OikawaTTTTooru: Bye bye hair! It was nice while it lasted. This is the painful breakup that was inevitable. Iwa-chan is so good at what he does, but it slipped and cut his hair too! I look better than him. (´꒳`∗) Btw I have the best boyfriend ever! He made a Facebook status about how much he loves me. It’s Facebook official. ( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅ #Blessed #BaldIsBeautiful #HajimeLooksDumb #TeamTooru #BestFriendsForever #SuckItLeukemia_

Tooru curled up against Hajime, his eyes fluttering. “Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this. Please comment! <3 <3 <3


	12. We Believe in You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long. I was having such a hard time figuring how to write this. I knew what I wanted to write, but how to write it. But I'm happy with this now. My trick for those of you who also write...write something else. So I've now got another iwaoi and a MatuHana coming in a while. :)

Tooru wanted to cry when Hajime left him that morning. Hajime had spent the entire weekend with him, only leaving for practice. They’d done their homework together silently, Tooru taking naps when he felt the need to, curling up to his boyfriend while he studied for his exam. Everything had felt so perfect and warm. Now he was alone in his room. Nami had gone out to catch up with some friends, and promised to bring him back some milk bread and jasmine tea. When she got back they were going to have a horror movie marathon which Tooru was looking forward to, but for now the empty house was suffocating him. 

He picked up his phone, scrolling through Instagram. His eyes widened when he saw the picture of Matsun and Maki making kissy faces at the camera, their hands held together in a heart. Their heads were buzzed down to their scalp leaving only a thin layer dusting their scalps. 

_Mastun12: Great friends are rare to come by, and when you find them, you hold onto them. You support those friends through the worst times of their life. @OikawaTTTToru you are not only an amazing captain and phenomenal setter. You are one of my best friends. We love you, dude. @HanamakinMeCrazy15 #TeamToru_

_HanamakinMeCrazy15: Look at @Matsun 12 being all sappy and cute. But no, he’s right. I’m sorry you’re going through this shit, but know we’re right there with you. I love you @OikawaTTTToru. What is it again? Team Tooru? !(•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑ Does this mean you’re not going to snap at me if I call you Tooru? You can call me Hiro? #TeamTooru_

Tears welled up in Tooru’s eyes. Those dorks. He loved his friends. It was so crazy to think that there was a time in his life that Hajime had been his only friend, and despite how many times he doubted that Maki and Matsun were actually his friends he knew they were. Sure, they’d started out friends with Hajime, but he and Tooru were a package deal. Hajime had alway made that clear with new friends even though he never said it outloud. He would just introduce the person to him and refer to him as his best friend. It was only once the four of them had gotten close that Hajime had started joking around about Tooru not doing stuff with them. Tooru would always laugh and follow him.

He made a mental note to give them both the biggest hugs in the world when he saw them next. Once he was sure they were free, he was going to call them and cry about how much he loved him, but for now he would leave them alone to their studies. Even though they were in university prep course, the two were kind of slackers in their own right. In a regular class they’d be leaps ahead.

Tooru froze when he saw the next picture on the feed. Kyoutani sporting his newly shaved hair too. The buzzed lines on the side of his head were still here, shaved just a a bit more than the rest of his hair. He had a rare tiny smile on his lips that was barely noticeable, but Tooru knew him and he had seen it several times when Hajime had complimented him for something. The way Kyoutani seemed to look up to Hajime, even see him as an older brother had always been so cute to Tooru. 

_Kyoutani16: Thank you for welcoming me_

Tooru blinked. The caption was something he would have never guessed he would ever write. Kyoutani was a boy of few words. Rarely even spoke to Tooru. The person he talked to most was Hajime, and even that was short. Tooru had never felt like the second year really cared about him much. It was true that he only came back to the team because Tooru had talked to him, telling him how important he was and how glad they would be for him to come back. It was just a strange feeling. 

Tooru brushed a tear off his cheek. People cared. He was loved. All his fears, his doubts, his insecurities were melting away. Hajime was his best friend, had been since they were babies, now his boyfriend. It had made him happy that Hajime had cut all his hair off to prove a point to Tooru, but the rest of them? Matsun? Maki? Kyoutani? His heart was sure to break his ribcage. 

_OikawaTTTToru: Oh my god...No words. My heart is so full. Thank you @IwaizumiHajime @Matsun12 @HanamakiMeCrazy15 You guys mean the world to me. <3 @Kyoutani16 Thank you so much! You’re always welcome! :D _

 

************  
Hajime walked out of the locker rooms, stretching his arms. His head spun, thoughts incoherent and muddled. Class was hard to focus on, and he was sure he had failed an exam for the first time ever. He still wasn’t used to Tooru not being around. Hajime never really needed Tooru’s notes or homework, but he did take them because his notes were detailed and organized. That was something that he had never learned to do, and with Tooru making almost near perfect marks, he would always take his homework to compare and learn things he didn’t understand. He was struggling slightly already, but with his head like this it was impossible. 

The gym was colder than usual. A chill ran down his back. Judging by the shine on the floor, it had just been waxed. He inhaled deeply, eyes closed, taking in the all too familiar smell. Everything from the wood, polish, the faint musty smell, and more always slowed his heart and cleared his head. He and Tooru had been playing since grade school, even a little before that. Keishi would volley back and forth with him and Tooru since they were little. Memories filled his head. 

He was pleasantly surprised to see most of the team already in the gym stretching while they talked quietly among themselves. Hajime frowned. Usually the boys were loud, running around, joking, and playing. He would always have to shout to get their attention. Before Tooru had gotten sick, he used to have to pull him away and get the other’s attention. So the fact that today they were so well behaved and quiet was a bit unnerving. 

“Hey, Iwa…” 

Matsun and Maki appeared next to him. Hajime’s eyes wandered their heads. He still wasn’t used to them with their hair so short, hell he was shocked every time he saw himself. But Tooru needed the support, and he was happy to do whatever. Like he had told Tooru, it was just hair. 

“How’s Oikawa holding up?” Matsun asked chewing his lip. 

“Not great to be honest...He feels okay, but he’s struggling. It’s a lot.” Hajime let out a soft laugh. “He wants to race me, or at least go out for a run like we used to do to clear our heads.”

“That’s great! So are you going to go? I heard staying active helps with cancer patients if they’re up to it and not to weak. At the very least taking him on a walk,” Maki suggested. 

Hajime hummed, glancing back to the team. His eyes flashed to the clock. He really needed to get practice going. The quiet was starting to get to him, and he was desperate to focus on anything but missing his boyfriend. 

“Hold up!” Matsun and Maki jumped in front of him. “Oi, get over here!” Maki called. 

“What?” Hajime blinked. 

“The team has something to talk to you about. It’s a great idea.” Matsun grinned. 

“We were wondering if Oikawa-san could come to practice for a surprise,” Yahaba ventured. 

Hajime hesitated. “I don’t know. Maybe if he’s up for it. What kind of surprise?” Hajime crossed his arms, eyes narrowing. 

The team glanced around, whispering and murmuring among themselves. 

“We decided to shave our heads too like you three. Oikawa-san has done so much for us. He’s supported us. He has made this team what it is, stronger and better. Right now...he needs us to support him,” Watari smiled. 

Affirmations filled the silence. Hajime stared at them. Everything they said was true, but he’d never expected this. Tooru was a main block of the team, but they weren’t particularly close outside of practice even if Tooru went out of his way to say hi in the halls. He was always telling them to have a good, and make sure they ate well. On more than one occasion he had bought lunch for teammates who’d forgotten their money. Tooru was the type of captain that didn’t stop when practice ended. He was there for them all one hundred percent at all times. Why wouldn’t they feel the need to support him?

Hajime nodded silently, unsure of what to say. His team never failed to amaze him. With all the doubts and insecurity Tooru was dealing with about people hating him, this would help boost his morale. Should he tell Tooru? No, they wanted it to be a surprise. Tooru did want to get out of the house, but he wasn’t sure if he’d want to go to practice, or even if it was a good idea. His immune system was still compromised after all. 

He pushed the thought out of his head deciding he could deal with them later, and started practice. 

*******************

Tooru was ready in track pants, a tee shirt, and running shoes ready at the door as he waited for Hajime to finish practice and come by. He couldn’t wait to go running with Hajime. The text made his day, and he’d been looking forward to it for hours now. He was pacing the living room, a smile on his face as excitement filled him to the brim. His stomach was full of butterflies and his heart was racing. It was similar to how he felt before a big game, and it was exhilarating. 

“You know if you keep pacing like that, you’re not going to have the energy to go out with Hajime, right?” Nami laughed, lacing her arm around his waist, pulling him into a tight hug. “God, it’s still so weird that you’re taller than me. I feel like it was only like last week you were a tiny infant.” 

Tooru let out a soft laugh wrapping his arms around his sister. He was grateful for her. Since he got out of the hospital things had been so lonely. His parents were still working like crazy which bothered him to an extent even if they were coming home in the evenings earlier than before. He was still usually asleep by the time they were home and ended up waking him up to talk. It was frustrating. But Nami was there, always willing to watch a movie with him or talk or just cuddle for comfort when Hajime wasn’t there. 

“Come sit on the couch with me. We can watch one of those documentaries you like. Or just talk. What do you prefer?” 

She coaxed him to the couch, and convinced him to sit down. It made sense, but the steroids were making him so restless. The adrenaline was running through his veins making his muscles ache to move. Even if he hadn’t really been able to eat more than rice, bananas, milk bread, and chicken broth with tofu Nami had concocted, it made him feel a so much better, and he was able to keep milk down. The last thing he wanted to was sit here and do nothing. 

“I feel like I’m wasting so much time just laying around. I want to go out and run or at least walk. I want to be able to go to practice and be in games. I hate this,” he muttered.

“I know. It probably sucks from going from being so active to laying in bed sleeping all day, but listen to your body. This is a big deal and you need your strength going through this.” Nami pulled him close.

“But what if my body is telling me to go for a run with Hajime? My body doesn’t want to just sit. I’ve spent an entire week in the hospital feeling like crap, and I’m starting to feel better. Exercise keeps you fit and healthy. Don’t you think that would give me strength?” Tooru sighed. 

“That sounds logical. Do you want to go for a walk with me?” She pulled away from him. 

“I want to wait for Hajime.”

“I know, but when he’s at school or practice or doing homework or something? Maybe we could do morning walks after breakfast, or even before so you’re feeling a bit stronger. Tell me what I can do to help you. Nobody can know what you need more than you.” 

Tooru chewed his lip. He’d never been told that by anyone before. Everyone always acted like they knew what was best for him and didn’t listen to him. Sometimes that wasn’t a bad thing like when the coach or Hajime would make him stop because he was overworked, but most of the time it was people cutting him off. 

His parents had always told him for a very young age that his school was the most important thing in his life, so he would stay up until two or three in the morning studying and working on homework. He’d organize his notes a million times making sure that he knew what he was doing. He needed perfect marks to get to do what he wanted to do they’d said. His heart would race and his stomach would do flip-flops when the homework or exams were given back. On more than one occasion he had been less that perfect and hated himself for it, telling himself that maybe if he had just studied harder, stayed up later he would have been better. 

It was being told to stop talking, to stop enjoying things at home. People telling him what he should do or be like. His parents forced him into all kinds of things he didn’t want to do, that made him feel so trapped. The way his mother held him down for the last day of chemo flashed through his mind. If she had just listened, if they had both just let him talk to the nurse about it or the doctor, he wouldn’t have been so miserable. 

Since he was little he always enjoyed his sister being home for a visit, even if she didn’t know how to deal with him. She was just one of those people who was nervous around kids. He could understand. She was the youngest and wasn’t really exposed to dealing with kids until he was born, which hadn’t been all that great of an experience. He was born the day she graduated, and his parents had tried to make her and Keishi professional babysitters. He’d heard about that before. 

“I’d like that.” He smiled. 

“Great.” She kissed his cheek. “Oh! I want to try ginger tea with you. It helps calm the stomach, and helps you keep food down. I’ve been doing my research. I promise I’ll find something for you, okay?” 

Tooru nodded. He hoped she was right, but if anyone could do it, it was Nami. She had gone to a chef school while living in Paris he’d found out. He had never known until recently. There was so much he didn’t know about his sister, and the fact they were getting to bond and get to know each other better was one of the highlights of being sick, though that wasn’t hard to beat since there were so few. 

A knock at the door, made Tooru jump up from the couch only to fall down again. He sighed rolling his eyes. All he wanted to do was be able to go back to how things used to be. Walking up the stairs, jumping up from the couch, none of those things should make him react the way he did. It was infuriating. He wanted to cry. 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Nami cooed. 

She pulled him to his feet, helping to steady him as his body adjusted to the movement. He thanked her before rushing to the door, swinging it open and pouncing on Hajime. He planted a big kiss on his lips surprising the boy. Tooru beamed at him. 

“Can we go?” 

“Woooow, Hajime, you didn’t tell us your boyfriend would be so excited,” Matsun laughed.

“He’s like a puppy. So cute,” Makki added. 

“Well hello to you too,” Hajime chuckled, hugging Tooru close. 

“Hiiiiii!” Tooru sang to his friends, hugging each one close. “Can we go?” 

Tooru was practically bouncing. He started to slip into his shoes, not even inviting the boys in. All he wanted to do was get out of the house, run until his legs wouldn’t carry him. Hajime took him by the shoulders, giving him a small shake. 

“Are you listening?” He asked softly, cocking his head to the side. 

“Huh?” Tooru blinked at him. 

“I asked if you ate and drank water today.”

“Oh, um, well I couldn’t drink water because it tastes like crap, but Nami made me some broth. Does that count? Oh and milk. But I did eat! I promise.” 

Tooru linked pinkies with him. Lately all the things they did as kids that they’d stopped doing because they were oh so cool and grown up to do were coming back. He loved it. It made him feel so much closer to Hajime, and bringing back that feeling of being invincible as a kid.

“I can attest to that. He ate very well today considering.” Nami chimed him, leaning against the wall arms crossed and a smirk on her face. “Don’t you worry, Hajime-kun.” She winked.

Hajime’s eyes widened for a second before the glanced at the floor, muttered a quick, “Let’s go,” to Tooru before walking away quickly leaving the three of them to laugh. 

When they were little, Hajime had had a crush on Nami. When she’d found out, she thought it was the cutest thing, Once they’d gotten older, she joked with him about it, and vowed that she’d never let him live it down because his reactions were priceless. Tooru had to agree. He slipped his shoes on and ran to catch up with him. 

The feeling of being out of the house was refreshing. Tooru took in a deep breath of the brisk fresh air, a smile dancing on his lips. Birds were singing nearby accompanied by the songs of crickets filled the quiet evening setting the mood for the night. It was calming, and he was glad they’d come once they had finished after school practice. 

Tooru had made it about half a mile when he felt too tired to continue to run, and slowed his pace to a nice walk. The blood was pumping in his veins flooding his body with endorphins as he inhaled deeply waiting for his breathing to slow. For the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel weak. He laughed throwing hands in the air. His muscles were now satisfied, their need to be used satisfied. 

It took a moment for the other three boys to noticed he’d fallen behind. Hajime jogged back to him, a concerned look on his face. 

“You okay?” 

“I’m fantastic.” Tooru beamed.

“You’re such a dork.” 

Hajime chuckled pulling him into a tight hug. Tooru closed his eyes, arms around him. Everything was perfect. Hajime pulled away, taking his hand while they walked to catch up with their friends. Tooru gazed at the night sky, admiring the way the stars twinkled above them. He wasn’t sure there was anything that could make this better. It was little things like this that fueled him. Tooru planned to spend as many days as he could outside the hospital doing as much as he could. 

“Hey...Tooru…” Hajime glanced at him. 

“Hm?” 

“Would you want to come to practice tomorrow?” 

Matsun and Maki shared a knowing glance, before looking back at him with matching smirks. Tooru inhaled deeply as he contemplated. On one hand, all he wanted to do was be back in that gym with his team leading practice and encouraging them all, bringing out each one of their strengths. His whole goal was to make them all feel like amazing, and important. Could he do that now? More importantly, would he be allowed? He could try to talk his way into getting to participate in practice all he wanted, but would the coaches let him? Would Hajime? He knew he could still lead practice and encourage him even from the side. 

He and Yahaba had been working together before he got sick on reading each player’s abilities and how to best use that. He wanted to continue. Tooru wanted to make sure that Kyoutani continued to feel welcome despite how unruly he could be, or how much he seemed to shrink away from him. He’d seen how easily he stormed out over just minor things. 

Tooru longed- no, needed- to give as much as he could give to his team. 

“Definitely.”

 

********************  
Tooru played with the sleeve of his Seijoh jacket, standing outside the gym while he waited for Hajime to come get him for the big surprise. He leaned against the wall of the gym and sighed, his stomach knotting and heart racing. He knew people watched their practices, and he’d tried his hardest not to be seen by other students. Each moment risked the chance of someone seeing him like this. There was still that insecurity nagging at him about how sick he looked. Did they really understand what it meant for him that he had cancer? He couldn’t stand to see their shocked faces, or their dancing around him as though he would shatter like glass at the very mention of his illness. 

The door opened and Hajime stepped out, almost hitting Tooru. “You really shouldn’t be standing by the door” 

“Well I wouldn’t be standing next to the door if you just let me come in,” Tooru retorted making a show to roll his eyes and sigh. 

“Shut up.” 

Hajime pulled him into a hug, holding for longer than necessary, but Tooru didn’t mind. Being close to Hajime calmed his racing heart. It gave him strength and confidence in himself to go in and not care what anyone else thought because Iwaizumi Hajime loved him, him of all people. He was the best person he knew, and to be able to walk into that gym with that boy by his side...It have him all the confidence he needed. Their entire lives Hajime was the one person who never left. 

“Close your eyes.”

“What?”

“Do it.” 

Tooru did as he was told. Hajime put his hands over his eyes, walking him slowly into the gym. A smile played on his lips as excitement took over him. His mind swam with every possibility he could think of that they could be surprising him with, but nothing prepared him for what he saw. 

The entire team was lined up with smiles on their faces, with their hair buzzed short. His eyes practically bulged out of his eyes. His hands flew to cover his mouth. He stumbled back into Hajime letting out what could only be described as a mix between a laugh and sob. Tears filled his eyes, a smile spreading over his face. His heart jumped out of his chest. It was bordering on overwhelming.

“They did this all for you,” Hajime said softly into his ear. “It was their idea.”

Suddenly they all bowed for a moment, before standing. “We believe in you, captain!” 

“Wow…” Tooru shook his head, unable to speak for a moment. “I...I don’t know what to say. I…” 

“The first time you’ve ever shut up,” Hajime laughed. 

“Shut up!” Tooru elbowed him in the ribs. He turned back to the team. “Thank you.” 

“Welcome back,” Maki smiled, slapping him on the back. 

Practice started shortly after. Tooru was sitting on the bench next to the captains watching his teammates play a practice game. Things seemed so sloppy from what he was used to, but maybe it took being away to truly notice. Each time he was about to correct it, Hajime stepped in, talking to players who nodded in return. 

Tooru had never watched Hajime lead like this. He was used to him being on his side, handling things while Tooru talked to someone else, but watching was amazing. He’d always had faith in Hajime and in his team. Not once had Hajime ever been less than reliable, and Tooru knew that, but this was another level. His heart swelled with pride. 

The coaches sat quietly next to him, muttering amongst themselves about plays. Tooru felt like he was eavesdropping. He was used to practice the last three years being run by the captain and vice captain with the coaches stepping in when needed. Of course there were times when the coaches led more, but for the most part they were pretty much given a lot of responsibility. The captains were almost alway the best players on the team who knew how to best correct their peers. He wanted to give his input, but didn’t want to overstep, so he stayed silent. 

Watching them play while the minutes ticked on made his body tingle with want. He craved the feeling of the ball on his fingertips for just a moment before one of the spikers slammed the ball on the others side of the net. The way the sound of a spike meeting the wood gym floor from one of the tosses he set up for them perfectly tailored made his heart leap every time was filling him was want. 

Hajime was calling the team over to talk about something, coaches at his side, when the pressure built too high. Tooru jumped up, interrupting them. 

“Spike practice! I wanna set!” He beamed, practically bouncing on his heels. 

Hajime’s eyes flicked to him. Murmurs from the team were like a low rumbled. Tooru’s heart sank by the way Hajime moved toward him, that slow walk and stone face he did when he was trying to keep calm while anger boiled in him. Tooru stomach turned, and this time he had nothing to say. He couldn’t even apologize. He just stood frozen. Hajime scooped up one of the balls in his path, and stopped in front of Tooru. His face broke into a smile as he shoved the ball into Tooru’s chest. 

“Me first.” 

Tooru’s heart swelled as grin took over his face. 

Hajime walked to the back of the gym, nodding his head for Tooru to get ready. He threw off his jacket and raced onto the court. Hajime threw the ball up in the air, running toward the net the way they’d practiced together so many times it was almost second nature. Tooru’s eyes were glued to the ball waiting for it to hit its peak. He calculated where it would land, putting himself under it, making note of where Hajime was. Tooru instinctively tossed the ball in the way Hajime liked best. The sound of Hajime’s palm meeting the leather followed by the boom of it hitting the gym floor had Tooru’s chest overflowing with joy. 

“You guys heard him. Spike practice.” 

Hajime motioned for the team. The coaches’ had happy smirks on their faces. Tooru hugged Hajime. “Thank you.”

No, this was the highlight of his time being sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave a comment. You're all amazing. <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys! I've been busy with work, and then I've been in Canada. I'll be here for a little longer, but I'll write when I can. I hope you guys enjoy!

The smells wafting through the house were mouthwatering. Spices melded with meats, vegetables, and broths in such a heavenly way. Nami wiped the sweat off her forehead and took a sip of water. She had spent all day cooking, trial and error over and over. She’d even recruited the help of Tooru, Hajime, Matsun, and Maki to help with various things like peeling and slicing vegetables. Tooru’s three friends were being paid in the food he wished he could eat.   
   
He watched his sister from where he sat at the table sipping even more ginger tea. Despite her hair being swooped up in a tight bun at the top of her head, she was sweating and red. She wasn’t giving up, and while he appreciated it, he wished that she wouldn’t torture herself, but she insisted that she loved doing it. Plus she loved the way the other three boys scarfed down the food when Tooru pushed it there way, compliments thrown out like there was no tomorrow.   
   
Nami smiled while she hummed to herself, turning the stove off and made a plate. She set it down in front of Tooru, sitting down across from him, resting her chin in her hands, a big smile and sparkling eyes as she looked at him.   
   
“I’m sure of this one!”   
   
He felt all eyes on him. It was so much pressure. He wished he could just eat in peace without having an audience to see how he reacted. Seeing his sister’s face fall when he pushed the food to his friends right before he buried his head in his arms killed him. She didn’t deserve that. She was trying so hard and he felt so ungrateful. As a kid his mother told him not to complain about his food, but now that he was sick it was impossible as food caused him pain these days.   
   
He took a bite of the meal she’d prepared. Fish and vegetable over rice with a broth. It looked promising, but she’d made this sort of thing several times tweaking the spices. She’d been doing a lot of research into how to get cancer patients to be able to stand and keep down their foods.   
   
To his surprise, it tasted decent. A smile danced on his face as he took a few more bites. Nami high-fived the the three boys sitting around the table. It really was a victory.   
   
Suddenly heat rose up his body and his stomach flipped sending Tooru running for the trash just in time as the food came back up. His body retched with each wave of vomit until it was nothing but bile. Tears were streaming down his face. Why couldn’t he just eat? He gathered himself up, not daring to make contact with anyone going to the sink to clean up and rinse his mouth.   
   
“Are you okay?” Nami asked rubbing his back.   
   
He nodded. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.   
   
“Oh sweetheart…” She pulled him into a hug. “You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not your fault. We’ll try again. Do you want more ginger tea, or broth and rice? At least you can keep that down.”   
   
“That would be nice.”   
   
Tooru sat back down at the table, holding his head in his hands. Hajime pulled him in a tight hug, rubbing his arm with one hand. He planted a kiss on his forehead. Tooru closed his eyes and just melted into his boyfriend.   
   
“I’m really sorry,” Maki said quietly.   
   
Tooru opened his eyes. “For what?”  
   
“Just the fact that you can’t eat proper food without it tasting like shit or making you puke. That really sucks.”  
   
“Yeah…” Tooru breathed.   
   
Nami gave him a bowl of rice and broth with another mug of ginger tea which he took gratefully. He ate slowly while his friends talked among themselves with Nami chiming in. Tooru couldn’t pay much attention to what they were saying. The last week was so exhausting. His parents were convinced it was because he was going out and doing so much physical activity, but that wasn’t it.   
   
There was a nagging in the back of his head that kept him awake. Everything he’d been doing this last week had been so wonderful, but five days he would be back in the hospital to go through that hell again. He needed to sleep properly, be active, and get good nutrition before going back. While his list of edible foods had expanded he worried that it wasn’t enough.   
   
His eyes felt heavy, and his blinking slowed. He leaned against Hajime until he was almost falling asleep. The boys went up to Tooru’s room, flipping on the television. Tooru plopped on the bed, pawing at Hajime to join him.   
   
“Give me one second, okay?”   
   
He nodded, curling up watching as his friends got the game console started up. It was the same routine. Nami trying to make food, Tooru getting exhausted, taking a nap while his friends played video game. He didn’t mind it, in fact it was nice to have his friends with him. He liked watching them play each other or go through long story lines. It was nice to have company.   
   
Tooru tried to make it to practice at least once every few days, getting to participate if he was feeling up to it. Even just watching his team, he was able to interact. It was refreshing. It made him feel normal. He was going to go to school this next week, he decided.   
   
The last thing he saw before falling asleep was the animated man on the television fighting monsters. His dreams were filled with fighting a monster in his dreams.  
   
**********  
Brown slacks, lilac shirt, red tie, cream sweater vest, white blazer.  
   
He’d put the uniform on in that order for three years, but this was the first time that Tooru really felt like it meant something. Sure, he’d been excited when he was invited to join one of the best volleyball teams in the prefecture at one of the best high schools. His passion for the sport, and his thirst for education had all been perfectly laid out for him at the tender age of fifteen. He’d felt so honored. Not everyone was invited to Seijoh. It was a hard school to get into, but the entrance exams he’d insisted on taking had been aced with flying colors. He had been so adamant that he not get in purely on talent alone.  
   
This time when he looked at the uniform he felt something more. He wasn’t quite sure how to explain it. There was the old sense of pride, but there was a feeling of normality. Finally have three weeks he could go back to the school he loved and be around the people he cared for most. It would be different. He knew as much; no longer the Oikawa Tooru that everyone was used to with the perfectly styled hair who made sure that his uniform was in perfect condition. He knew that he was far from attractive now, and he was preparing himself for the stares and whispers behind hands in the hallway. The overly nice classmates who wanted to make him feel better simply because now he was Oikawa Tooru, the kid with leukemia.  
   
Tooru took a deep breath before taking in his appearance. The clothes fell off him in a sloppy manner that he’d lost so much weight. There wasn’t a hair on him, and his glasses now seemed too large for his now sunken face. Dark under eye circles made his eyes appear deep in their sockets.  
   
He set his jaw. The words he’d heard on more than one occasion in his years came to mind. His _worthless pride._ Well now he needed to take that pride and pull himself together. Tooru refused to be anything but his usual self. He was Oikawa Tooru: Friendly, silly, talented, smart, loyal. Oikawa Tooru was much more than his looks and the ability to play a sport. There was depth to him, and while he had never realized it before he knew that this was his time to let that shine. No more hiding behind an arrogant and poised exterior. He was going to go to school, waltz into the doors with his head held high and the same smile on his face he always wore with ease. He wasn’t going to let cancer change him.  
   
“You alright?”  
   
Tooru turned around to find Nami leaning on the frame of his bedroom door. Her arms were crossed, and her face was in a slight frown. He took a deep breath and put the smile on his face that masked every negative feeling in his soul.  
   
“Perfect.” He picked at a piece of lint on his sleeve, flicking it away before raising his eyes to her.  
   
“Listen...I know we really didn’t talk much when you were younger, and I wasn’t around much with university and traveling for my job, but you’re still my baby brother and I can read you like a book. Come on.” She grabbed his wrist. “Let Nee-chan make you pretty again.”  
   
Tooru chewed a piece of dry skin on his chapped lips as he let her pull him toward her room. He hadn’t been in it since he was little, but everything was still the same. Posters of her favorite bands and places she wanted to go still lined the walls. The bookshelf that held some of his favorite books was still perfectly placed in the corner. Her desk was perfectly organized, a pen and notebook were laying on it now while she tried to get her thoughts together for her next piece that was sure to be brilliant.  
   
She sat him down on her chain and pulled out her makeup. So this is what she was planning, using the art of fixing a face. When he was younger, he’d watched her in awe. Now she was getting to work on him.  
   
“I know high school is difficult enough without going through this shit.” She dabbed concealer on his face. “And I know you have reputation with the ladies. It’s probably gone to your head, but listen...you don’t need them; you don’t need adoring fans. Don’t let it get to you. But I promise to make you look beautiful again so that you feel good about yourself. That’s all I want for you.”  
   
“You know you don’t have to do this. I was planning on just owning it.” Tooru sighed, following her instructions.  
   
“Look,” she smiled at him. “I don’t have to do this, and you can still own this. This may as a shock to you, but I remember high school. Kid aren’t nice. There are certain expectations and if you don’t fit into their little box, well good luck. Beauty and talent far outweigh anything that matters. And I will be damned if I let you go through something like that.”  
   
“But-”  
   
“But nothing. Besides, I like feeling like a makeup artist.”  
   
She smiled when she was satisfied and stepped back to admire her work. She kissed her fingers and pulled them in a way like those Italian chefs in movies and shows.  
   
“Perfect! Take a look.”  
   
Tooru sighed, putting his glasses back on to look at her work. He gasped, his eyes widening in astoundment. A smile danced on his lips The dark circles and the appearance of a the sunken eyes and face were gone. His skin had changed for the sickly pale to his usual complexion. His lips weren’t as chapped as they’d looked before. It was astonishing.  
   
“So?” Nami hugged him from behind and rested her chin on shoulder as they made eye contact in the mirror.  
   
“Nee-chan…wow.” He smiled, turning to hug her. “Thank you!”  
   
“I’m going to buy you new glasses that fit your face a little better. And here you go.” She plopped a little baret on his head. “What do you think?”  
   
“I don’t really thing the baret is working.” He chuckled.  
   
“Okay, okay, what about a little hat? Like that cute one you’d wear to school when it was cold?”  
   
Tooru pulled him mouth to the side and nodded. He went to his room and found it in his drawer. It as a soft brown to match the pants, a dress code requirement. He looked better, content with the way he looked. He’d never expect that, not since he had gotten sick.  
   
“Come on, let’s get you to school.” She pulled his hand.  
   
His heart pounded in his chest as he climbed out of her car. He closed his eyes taking a few deep breaths before walking through the entrance. Nobody seemed to take notice as they talked in their little groups before class. He found gym four tracing the steps he’d taken all these years to meet Hajime, Matsun and Maki, hoping to avoid detection alone. So much for holding his head so high.  
   
The gym door opened, narrowly missing him as the team ran out, talking quickly as they rushed to class. He felt invisible. Not a single one of them had recognized him. It stung. He was used to them saying hi to him, talking to him in the halls, and asking him questions on their homework or even ways to improve their skills. Now he was a ghost in a sea of people.  
   
He practically pounced on his friends as they emerged in a calm manner, laughing among each other. The corner of Tooru’s mouth twitched up. Third years weren’t nearly as tense as their underclassmen despite having so much more riding on this year. It wasn’t that they took things less seriously, but rather they took time to enjoy life. Their friends were all going to be going in separate directions, and the next phase of their life would begin a few short months. You felt this sense that even though you were looking forward to it, it was terrifying and you just wanted to enjoy what was left.  
   
“Hey,” Hajime laughed, wrapping his arms around him.  
   
“Hiiii!” Tooru sang, lacing his fingers with Hajime’s. “How was practice?”  
   
“The usual.” Hajime shrugged.  
   
“Not true,” Matsun spanned. “The practice match was awful, so Coach yelled at us for like an hour. Then we had to run suicides up and down the gym until we were about to puke because Coach hates us.” He sighed, before finished with air quotes. “He just wants us to improve. And you know it’s bullshit when Hajime is literally the best ace in the country.”  
   
“Suicides, huh?” Tooru smiled. “I sure am glad I don’t have to do that.”  
   
“You’re a fucking dick.” Matsun shoved him.  
   
“No, because if Oikawa was there we would have done better.” Maki frowned. “Plus Coach just basically let you and Hajime torture us.”  
   
“Ah, yes. We do make a great team. Hajime and I building up our dear kohais.” Tooru smirked.  
   
The four friends walked to class joking and laughing on the way. This was a perfect plan. It didn’t feel any different his anxiety had all but melted away. Students were running to class, or lingering by their lockers talking to friends. A few people said hi, but for the most part things were fairly normal. Though Tooru’s stomach was twisting and turning, as they got closer to the classroom.  
   
Their classmates were talking and joking like usual as they waited for class to begin. Some were sitting on desks, others were practicing their jump shots to the trashcan. Tooru walked in, trying to hide behind Hajime, and for the first time cursing the fact he was taller than the latter.  
   
The room went silent. All eyes were glued to Tooru. His heart was racing, his stomach doing flip flops. This was what he’d been expecting. After a moment to gather himself, he smiled at them.  
   
“Hiiiii! Miss me?” He smirked, sliding in his chair with grace. “Like the new look?”  
   
“Shut up,” Hajime muttered.  
   
“Rude.”  
   
He leaned back, the usual smile glued to his face. Blood raced in his ears while he waited for things to go back to normal. His leg was shaking up and down as he tried to get rid of some of the nervous energy in him. He wet his lips and pulled out his things for class, books, notes, pencils and pens, arranging them perfectly, happy to finally be back in normal class. Reading everything was getting annoying.  
   
Tooru had never been more glad for the class to begin. The teacher smiled at him. “Welcome back. How are you doing?”  
   
“Perfect, sensei.” He held up an okay sign, and the class began.  
******  
   
“Are you okay?” Maki nudged Tooru at lunch. “You looked so panicky.”  
   
“I’m fine.” Tooru offered him a smile before turning his attention back to his broth and rice.  
   
Class had been awful. It was like he couldn’t think, couldn’t understand or follow to save his life. Since he was a child school had been so simple to him. His notes had become flawless by the end of junior high and he often spent time helping his friends understand harder concepts. But today it was as if the teacher wasn’t even speaking Japanese. It terrified him.  
   
He glanced around campus. Leaves were changing color, and the temperature was starting to drop. He’d always loved autumn, but this year he wasn’t going to be able to enjoy it properly. Autumn meant the start of the season, and running around looking forward to winter. Hot chocolate and apple cider warming his hands. Scarves and hates, and cute jackets. It was crunching leaves under his feet while he walked. It was teaching Takaru and his friends to play. Fall meant happiness.  
   
The thing he was thankful for was that nobody had stared at him like he had expected. Nobody had talked to him. That, that was the thing that bothered him. There weren’t people greeting him. It was getting to him. Everything had changed. Every. Single. Thing.  
   
“Hey, Oikawa, can you help me with this?” Matsun asked through a mouthful of food. “First exams are coming up and this concept is just not sticking.”  
   
“Yeah, sure.”  
   
Tooru switched places with Maki and pulled the book toward him. He stared it it, reading over and over with nothing sticking. It was a simple thing, something he’d gotten so easily in the past. Why couldn’t he do this? It was like he was in a foggy haze. Everything around him went black and all he had was tunnel vision. His hand was tapping quickly on the table, his legs bouncing. Tears blurred his vision and suddenly he couldn’t breathe.  
   
“Tooru?” Hajime said, but his voice was muffled like as if he were talking through a wall.  
   
Tears were falling down his cheeks. _He couldn’t do it. He didn’t understand._ He buried his face in arms and sobbed.  
   
   
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?”  
   
Hajime pushed Matsun away. He pulled Tooru into a hug, swaying softly, rubbing his back and peppering kisses. Tooru held Hajime’s clothes in tight fists.  
   
“Why can’t I understand? What’s going on?” Tooru whispered.  
   
“It’s okay. It’s a side effect of chemo, right?”  
   
Tooru’s stomach turned. He sat up and wiped his eyes. “I wanna go home.”

*********  
   
Hajime laid on his bed, throwing the ball up and down while he thought. He’d seen a lot of things in the eighteen years he and Tooru had been friends, but the breakdown he had at school had been so different than anything else. He wondered what that was like, having everything taken from you piece by piece and you had no choice.  
   
Tooru was losing so much that he defined himself by. Looks, volleyball, now his brain. Tooru was running out of options. It made Hajime’s stomach turn. He wanted to make things better, but how? Now Tooru wouldn’t even speak to him.  
   
Matsun and Maki were quiet the rest of the day, and practice was a blur. Hajime had taken over helping people with their homework silently. But what about Tooru and his brain fog? It was only going to get worse. His next round of chemo started next week, and Tooru had been looking forward to going to school for some normalcy. He wanted to go to practice that day after school if he was feeling up to it. Nothing went as planned.  
   
There was a knock on his door. Hajime caught to ball once more, and sat up calling to whoever it was to come in. He expected Tooru, but then again when had Tooru ever knocked?  
   
Matsun and Maki walked in. Hajime blinked. They never came by without calling.  
   
“Hey...” Matsun muttered.  
   
“Hi.”  
   
“Is he not answering your texts and calls either?” Maki asked, sitting down at the edge of Hajime’s bed.  
   
Hajime shook his head. “I went over and his sister said he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to see anyone, not even me.” He rested in chin in his hand.  
   
“That’s weird.” Matsun mumbled. “What’s going on? This is some bullshit, you know?” He glared at the floor, his arms crossed over his chest.  
   
“I can’t image what he’s going through...” Hajime shook his head. “I’ve known him my entire life. He’s gone through so much, but this...this is just eating away at him.”  
   
“This isn’t like him...” Maki chewed his lip. “When has he ever not talked to you? Ever?”  
   
“Never.” Hajime stared at the bed sheets.  
   
“We need to do something for him. He’s trying to stay strong, but it’s taxing. I can’t...” Matsun shook his head. “What can we do?”  
   
“Be there.” Hajime flicked his eyes between Maki and Matsun. “Even if he won’t talk to us, we still need to text him, to call him. Let him know that he has us. He sometimes shuts the entire world out and that’s all he needs.”  
   
“He’s not gonna…ya know...get annoyed?” Matsun asked. “That would make me so mad.”  
   
“No.” Hajime breathed.  
   
“How do you know?”  
   
“You’re going to have to trust me on this, okay?” Hajime hugged the ball. “I’m his best friend. I know everything about him.”  
   
“But you don’t know what’s going on. You don’t know why he’s not talking to you.” Matsun pointed out.  
   
“I know that he has a lot going on. I know that no matter what, we can’t just let him go. He starts chemo next week. We need to support him now more than ever.” Hajime stared at them.  
   
“But what?” Maki laid back.  
   
“Be there.”  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked this chapter! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Oh for those of you that don't know, suicides are running from the first line of the court to the free throw line and back, then to the half court line and back, then to the opposite free throw line and back, and then to the opposite side of the court and back. Repeat. 
> 
> Please leave a comment! <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I am so sorry I haven't updated in a million years! I've just had such a hard time with this chapter, and my way to get the juices flowing is to write something else. If you'd like I have a MatsuHana called Covered in the Colors if y'all wanna check that out; as well as a iwaoi oneshot called Trapped. 
> 
> Anyway enjoy!

Tooru stared at the ceiling of his room thinking about life, death, everything. His life was in danger, and all he could think of was stupid superficial things that made no difference whatsoever. He had to quit the team, no more contacts, losing his hair, having a foggy brain that would come back when the chemo was finished. None of those things really mattered, nothing threatened his life, and honestly were just minor inconveniences. He hated himself for caring about those things so much, but it was scary. 

He kept playing _that_ moment over and over in his head. Staring at the page of the textbook, reading over and over and not a single word made sense. It was as if it wasn’t even written in Japanese, just squiggles on a piece of paper that his brain had never associated to anything meaningful. The sinking feeling in his stomach that touched his very soul had taken over, and he felt like he was falling. 

It was stupid for him to care. He hated that he cared because it was all so insignificant. He could die. That was the reality that he never faced. Death. He had pondered on it the last few days as he shut the entire world out, barely even speaking to his family. What was it like? Did it hurt? Was it cold? Darkness. And if this was how he died the last thing everyone close to him would see was the shriveled remains of a person who looked very different from the picture his family would set next to him. There was no nokanshi who could make him look anything like he was. 

What did it all matter? What did anything matter? He’d just end up in a box, and slid into a chamber for him to burn away into ash. Everyone would eventually, so what did anything matter? He’d get the whole stupid ritual done, much of which were too repulsive he couldn’t even think about it. He’d only seen a body prepared one time when his grandfather died when he was six. 

Tooru shuddered. He didn’t want to think about it, but the thoughts were consuming him, and all he could do was stare at the ceiling and cry. The tears were gone now, and he was empty. There was nothing, hollow. How could he talk to anyone about this? It wasn’t proper to talk about these things, all taboo. And that was another thing that didn’t matter that for some reason he cared about. 

A knock on his door pulled him out of his head. He glanced toward it, not even dignifying it with a full movement. His mother frowned at him. He sighed and turned his attention away. All his family had been doing was nagging him. They didn’t understand that all he wanted to do was lay there and think because he needed to think about what could happen. He didn’t want to see his friends. He didn’t care that Hajime was at the door again. Fuck Hajime. Fuck everyone. Fuck everything. 

“Tooru, sweetheart...are you okay?” Her voice was so soft, meak. 

He wanted to laugh because when had she ever cared? Nothing mattered. He didn’t matter. The moment he had been born he’d been pushed into Keishi’s arms when they went off on some trip before being forced into a seventeen year old’s home. It was strange really...him being older than Hajime’s parents when he was born. They seemed so much more mature than him, so noble somehow, yet they were treated badly because of more ridiculous things that society had said were important.

Keishi didn’t talk to him anymore, not since he’d gotten sick not since that day in the hospital. He missed his brother, missed his nephew, but he was sick and nobody wanted to see that. Apparently an eight year old was too young to witness cancer, but why? It could just as easily be him. Takeru didn’t deserve that, not even in his thoughts. He loved him so much. 

“Tooru…” 

His mother sat down on the bed and ran her fingers over his head like she used to do when he was little. She, like everyone else, still wasn’t used to his hair being gone. All those habits that weren’t even thought about, yet somehow they knew the motion. It was interesting really. 

“What happened, Tooru?”

“What if I die?” 

Tooru stared at her, gauging her reaction. Her breath hitched, eye widening as her body stiffened. She stared back, tears filling her eyes. She looked so much older now with lines carved into her skin like rivers through earth. Her eyes were sunken, the light not shining anymore. Silver hair was falling from her usual pristine bun framing her face in such a way that it made her look softer. 

“Don’t say such things. Get up. Come watch a movie with us.” 

Tooru waited, waited for the those words he wanted to hear so badly. Instead she stood up, turning her back to them so she could wipe away her tears. He watched for a moment before pulling himself up, sitting crossed-legged on the bed. He pulled his phone from the bedside table seeing the million messages and calls from his three best friends, they all said those words, those three words. And when they said it, it wasn’t hollow because they showed how much they loved him. Why was he shutting them out?

“Please?” His mother asked again.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be down in a minute.” 

He forced a smile, opening up the chat for Hajime before sending a message.

\---------------------------

The bus was full of anxious air despite the boys’ laughing and voices filling the air as they swayed with the curves and bumps of the road. Hajime sat with his back to the window, knees pulled up with feet his in the seat where Tooru had always sat next to him the last six years. Very rarely was he not there on his right. It felt so empty. He stared out the window, making glances at the team to make sure nobody was misbehaving. 

He couldn’t help but think about how Tooru had always acted as a captain, always smiling and encouraging his team. In all reality, this team was built by Tooru. Almost everyone on this team, this Seijoh, was an alum from Kitagawa Daiichi under the captainship of Oikawa Tooru. Hajime had been the only one who had grown with him those three years, watched him become captain and think how fucked the team would be with such a silly person being in charge. But he had been wrong. 

There was a leadership in Tooru that was unmatched in Hajime’s opinion. He had a way of making everyone feel like they were important with his compliments and smiles. When they lost, he was calm and collected, that same smile on his face as he stood up in front of his team and told them how well they played, and that they would do better next time. He’d perfected that smile, the easy go lucky smile that hid everything: The stress, the self-doubt, the pain of the loss. He was a captain that taught his team how to grow and strengthen, and was always open to feedback. When Tooru listened to you, you knew he was listening. His hands on his hips, smile on his face, and eyes sparkling. He comforted his teammates when the loss was especially painful, holding back until he was out of sight. 

Tooru had been captain of this Seijoh two times. Once in junior high, and once now. Hajime didn’t know if he could be that person despite how much he filled Tooru’s gaps for morale, and keeping order. He cared for this team, they both did. Tooru knew how to be light hearted and fun, but also knew when to be serious. Hajime missed him, missed how the four of them would joke around, and pick fun at each other. He missed so much. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled out, and his heart leapt hoping the freeze out would be over. Tooru’s name was on the notification. 

_Iwa-chan!!!! (｡♥‿♥｡) Tell everyone I said to win! (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑_

A smile danced on Hajime’s lips. The freeze out was over, and with such a nice message it was hard to be mad at him even though part of him wanted to headbut him into the stratosphere. Tooru was going through a lot, and he needed to be patient. This wasn’t Tooru’s usual petty ‘I’m not talking to you’ stunt. No, this was a real problem. 

_So you are alive. I was beginning to worry. I will. Can I come by after the game?_

Hajime waited, hoping the phone would buzz in his hand at any moment alerting him to a normal conversation, or at least a response to his request to come by. It didn’t come. Hajime narrowed his eyes, returning his attention back to the window. At least there was a volleyball game to take his frustrations out on. He was sure he had never hit the ball as hard as he was going to tonight. 

The rest of the ride, Hajime was silent trying to get his head in the game, but was so distracted by the fact that Tooru hadn’t replied. He’d always been so quick to respond and it was a pet peeve of Tooru’s for people to take a long time to reply which is why he always had his phone on him. Maybe he was asleep? There was only a day or two before he went back for round two, so it made sense for him to be so distant. Still Hajime was annoyed.

Hajime climbed out of the bus, directing the team on their duties before they headed into the gym. He was used to having other teams stare at them, Aoba Johsai was one of the top teams in the prefecture and had quite the reputation. The stares didn’t bother him, nor did the usual whispers, but when he heard two players on another team discussing Tooru…

“Where’s their setter?” One asked softly. 

“Their captain has cancer I heard.”

“Hey!” Hajime whirled around. “Stop gossiping about him.”

“Iwaizumi.” 

A hand on his shoulder bringing him back to the present, and the look of the coach’s sympathetic eyes met him. He shook his head, patting Hajime’s back, continuing to lead him with the rest of the team. Hajime hated it, hated being looked at like he was this fragile thing that would break. He loved Tooru, loved him in every sense of the word, and he would be damned if he let anyone talk that way about him. But he was right. He needed to keep his cool or risked being out for the game, and the team needed him. 

The team walked into the locker room to get changed into the uniform, and out of their starters. It was weird not hearing Tooru humming next to him, not having Mattsun and Makki making jokes that led to the four of them getting into some antic that led to both laughter and anger. The last three years had been the best, and he’d watched their friend group grow so much. Now it was missing the vital piece of the puzzle. He sighed, shoving his clothes into his bag, and heading out for the match. They were playing first.

It was exhilarating to walk into the gym during tournaments, a mixture of nerves and pride. The air was alive with the rumble of the audience talking and cheering, and as soon as they walked in, the sounds of the students from Aoba Johsai started cheering. A smile danced on his lips. This was it, the start of the Interhigh Prelims, and the team was determined to win.

\---------------------------

Movie night was a good idea. Tooru sat in the middle of his parents. Namie had gone out with friends again leaving Tooru to have time with their parents that she felt was much needed. It was nice to have them there, wanting to be with him, laughing and talking and joking while watching movies that he loved. He couldn’t remember the last time that he’d spent this much time with his parents with them actually focused on him.

His mom had her arms around him letting him lay against her. Despite everything she was still his mom, and she still made him feel safe, warm. For a moment he didn’t think about death and dying and everything that was going on his life. The stress melted away, and in that moment he just was. All he felt was happy, calm, at peace. 

The light flickered on their faces, and he could only imagine what they looked like like this. His parents hadn’t stayed late at work today, and his mother had actually come home early the day he came home early from school in a sobbing mess. Nami hadn’t known what else to do. 

He nibbled at the milk bread his mother had made for him, drinking a glass of milk, his mind going to places that it hadn’t gone in a while like how food felt, tasted, smelled. The softness of his clothes on his skin, and how it hung off his body. Sunlight on his skin, stars twinkling in the night sky, wind whipping at his clothes and the way it felt so much different now that it wasn’t rustling through his hair. Movies from different decades, even from a few years ago were all so different in quality and how people had thought that the quality was amazing, only to be shown up to the crispness of today’s HD. Tooru had forgotten how his mom always smelled like her favorite perfume and tea, and the way he fit so perfectly against her. Did all children fit that way with their parents? Was it part of that bond? And he’d forgotten the way his father smelled of cigarettes and cologne, and the way his laugh was like music in the air. 

Tooru was pulled back into the world of seeing the good in life, and appreciating things that he’d always taken for granted. It made him miss Takeru and Keishi even more. He and Keishi had always been so close and the distance was painful. Though to be fair, Tooru was so wrapped up in himself and what he was going through, and on his relationship with Hajime, and all the other high school things that he hadn’t really made much of an effort either. He missed Takeru the most. 

He sighed to himself. Maybe he could convince Keishi that he should let Takeru come see him. What was the worst that could happen? It wasn’t like Takeru and Tooru weren’t close. They were more like brothers than uncle and nephew. Over the years, Tooru had been an active part in his life, and until recently he and Hajime would almost always have their little sidekick there with them. Did Takeru even miss him? 

“Are you okay, baby?” 

Tooru glanced up at his mother who was looking down on him with a concerned expression. He glanced at the television where end credits were running, and his father was kneeling down in front of the cabinet they kept the movies in. The lights were turned on and the flickering of light was gone. He blinked and sat up. Had he really been that deep in thought?

“Oh, uh, yeah.” Tooru smiled. “Just tired is all. I think I’m going to go to sleep.” 

“You don’t want to watch one more movie with us? It’s your second to last night at home, and I want to make sure that you do what you want to do.” She pulled him to her and planted a kiss on his cheek. “It’s nice having you like this.”

“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m just really tired.” 

A knock at the door interrupted their conversation, and his father went to answer the door. Hajime walked in, a smile on his face as he greeted Tooru’s parents before sitting down on the couch next to Tooru. He’d taken a shower after the game and smelled fresh with a hint of the scent of his soap. He was wearing that black oversized hoodie and his signature snapback. 

“We won.” He took off the hat and put on Tooru’s head, pushing the bill down onto his face. “And we dedicated the game to you. We won for you.” 

“That’s so sweet!” Tooru hugged him. “I’m so glad, but I can’t say that I’m surprised. We have a fantastic team.”

“It’s not the same without you.”

The words cut through Tooru like a blade. What he wouldn’t give to be healthy and playing with his friends for the last time until the next journey life threw at them. But he was stuck here at home watching movies with his parents, and thinking about death and life. And while his stomach had settled down, he still felt sick and tired. He ached, everywhere, that dull ache of his bones having marrow pushing against them.

There were so many things that Tooru wanted to say, but instead he said nothing. Just smiled and kissed Hajime on the cheek because he was done being the person who brought everyone down with him. He could be dying inside, but he wasn’t going shut people out, and he wasn’t going to push them away. Complaining would do that too, and he couldn’t have that. 

“Hajime, do you want to join us for a movie?” His mother asked. 

“Yeah, sure.” Hajime smiled.

“Actually, I was just saying that I was tired, and wanted to sleep. Come sleep with me? Or cuddle? I don’t care which.” 

Hajime glanced at Tooru’s parents for a sign of approval, but when neither showed any signs of approval or disapproval nodded. He stood up and helped Tooru stand before they both bid his parents goodnight with a kiss on the cheek to both of them from his mother. And a side hug from his dad who rubbed his arm with a proud look on his face. I love yous were exchanged, and soon they were on their way. 

Tooru plopped down on his bed, not saying a word. He curled up into a ball, closing his eyes. The bed sunk down as Hajime crawled into bed with him, and those strong arms wrapped around him. Soft lips to his neck. He’d always been good at knowing when Tooru just needed someone to be there, no words, just being there. 

“I love you, Hajime,” Tooru whispered before drifting off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hoped you guys like this! Next chapter will be better and up soon. Leave a comment below!


	16. Round 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooo sorry this took so long to get to you guys. Things have been crazy, and I haven't been doing well, but I am feeling better. Things are looking up. I promise I'm going to finish this, okay? We'll get there. Thank you for your patience, and I love each and every one of you. <3

Round two.

Tooru felt sick as he packed his bags getting ready to go to the hospital for another week of what felt like torture. He kept telling himself that it was just seven days. Just seven. He could do this. Just one day at a time. This time would be better because he knew what to expect...or rather that’s what he was telling himself. He was still scared, still worried. He wasn’t as healthy as he had been before, and he wasn’t sure what was going to happen now. 

Clothes, books, movies, laptop, and phone. He checked and double checked to make sure he had everything. He took a deep breath, grabbing a soft blanket that he’d bought with his friends to prepare. It was black with cute aliens and stars. Time to go. He walked down the stairs, blinking the tears out of his eyes. He didn’t want to go, didn’t want to get chemo four hours every day. Deep breaths. 

Hajime was waiting downstairs talking to Nami and Tooru’s parents. They didn’t notice him coming down the stairs as they talked about some movie that Tooru wouldn’t be able to go see. He’d wanted to. He’d seen the trailer months ago before all of this, before getting sick, before the bruises and bleeding. He’d been missing out on so much, and hearing the conversation was a sickening reminder of exactly what. 

His life was no longer his. It was doctor’s appointments, hospitalizations, pills, IV’s, an annoying central line that had become so much a part of him that he wasn’t even aware of it half the time. It was symptoms of exhaustion, depression, anxiety. It was spending time hunched over the toilet heaving when nothing was there. It was seeing blood in the toilet when his body just couldn’t take the amount of acidic bile coming up each time. There was no freedom, nothing that he had any control over. He hated it. And he hated that they could do whatever they wanted without a second thought. And furthermore he hated that he hated them. 

He stood at the edge of the stairs feeling like he didn’t exist anymore. Would this be what it was like if he didn’t make it through? Would everyone just move on talking about movies, games, and the future? Was it that easy to erase him? He didn’t want to be erased. He thought about the Butsudan his in the extra room in the house for his grandparents, how nobody went in to perform the rites they were supposed to. It was almost like their ancestors were gone and forgotten. It may be something fading in modern times in the city, but it was still something that many people still did...his family used to...

Why was he thinking of this? Why was it that he thinking about death so much when every doctor and statistic said that he would get through this easily? He was an otherwise healthy eighteen year old with and active lifestyle. He should get through this. What happened to his positive attitude he’d had at the beginning? He was going to get better. What happened to that? He sighed trying to push the thoughts out of his head. Tooru put a smile on his face, walking into the room. 

“I’m ready.” He tried to keep his voice chipper, and the smile on his face. His eyes met Hajime’s. He knew. He always knew. 

“Do you have everything?” Hajime stood, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Everything.” Tooru held up an okay sign, widening his smile. 

“Okay.” 

Tooru hugged his parents and sister goodbye, and followed Hajime to his car. He was happy that his parents had been okay with Hajime taking him to the hospital, just him. His parents hadn’t been the best support last time, and part of him didn’t want the hassle. Hajime would keep him company and also ease his nerves. 

The drive was silent. Neither of them wanting to talk, yet talking quickly in the silence. That was their friendship. It had always been their friendship. To this day, he didn’t understand how they could do that, or how anyone could know another person better than themselves. It was nice, there were no missed words. 

Walking into the hospital made the pit in his stomach more intense. With each step he was closer and closer to the worst thing he’d gone through. He thought about the way it felt when they hung the bag of chemo that the nurse tried so hard not to touch. They wouldn’t touch it, but it was being pumped into his body. 

Check-in didn’t help. All he wanted to do was cry. He followed the aide to his room. The room was nicer, but that didn’t really matter. He was consumed with fear, dread. It was like weight of the world was on his shoulders. Try as he might, he couldn’t be positive. 

He wished to god that Hajime could stay with him every day. He silently cursed the schedule they had. They had planned going in on a Saturday for a good reason, Hajime was finished with his half day of school and practice was only two hours. He had Sunday off for the most part. Just practice that Tooru desperately wanted to ask him to skip, but he knew that wouldn’t be what was best for his friends. The team needed to have practice, needed to have everyone performing at their peak. He needed them to beat Shiratorizawa, they had to.

Someone came in to draw labs from his central line. He didn’t hear what her name was. He was too busy thinking. All he wanted to do was have that positivity back. Where was it? Where had it gone? He’d read online that there is a depression that comes along with cancer, and maybe this was it. It was a hopeless feeling. Even reminding himself he could get through this just like last time, and then there’d only be one more week, and this would all be behind him. He could look back and feel empowered that he had been able to get through. But his mind wouldn’t let him be optimistic. Nothing would. It was like a void. 

Hajime nudged him, offered him a kind smile. “You’re going to be okay. You have me, okay?” 

Hajime held up his pinky to Tooru, that gesture that they’d done so much as kids. When had they stopped that? When had those little things that seemed to be set in stone? When they were kids, a pinky promise meant truth. Nothing could be broken. But they learned that it wasn’t foolproof, that wasn’t how life worked. You couldn’t just promise something you had not control over, but still...the pinky promise helped to ease his nerves.

And so the waiting began. They cuddled up on the bed, just talking. Tooru talked about all the fears he had, how much he missed doing things he loved. Hajime assured him that everything would be okay, and Tooru found solace in his words. Hajime was his rock, his achor, the one person who he could trust infinitely to do right by him even if it wasn’t what Tooru wanted. Hajime did what he needed. 

“Do you want your commemorative instagram selfie?” Hajime smirked. 

“I don’t know…”

“Too bad!” Hajime made a silly face, snapping the picture. 

“Hey! I wasn’t ready!” Tooru objected, reaching for the phone. Hajime jumped up, playing keep away. 

“You do this to me all the time.” 

“But you don’t know my angles, Iwa-chan! I know yours! I make you look perfect! I mean...as perfect as you can be standing next to me.” Tooru smirked.

“Oh, oh no, seems I _accidentally_ uploaded it.”

“Rude!” Tooru gasped. 

Hajime laughed, and kissed his cheek. “It’s okay. You look fine. You’re always ugly.”

“Why are you like this?” Tooru shook his head, unable to keep the smile off his lips.

“I’m going go get us some food, okay? I’m starved, and you need to eat something now that your stomach is settled before you start, right? It will help?” Hajime picked up his bag.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Tooru smiled. He wasn’t sure that he could eat anything, or much less keep it down. Once the poison started dripping into his veins he wasn’t sure how his body was going to react. 

“Okay, I’ll be back.” Hajime fist bumped him, with a smirk before heading out.

Tooru sat crossed legged on his hospital bed, staring out the window at the sunny autumn day just beyond his reach. The trees were a beautiful array of colors: green, red, and gold. He wanted to have the beautiful sound of a crunch under his feet as he walked down the streets covered in leaves. At eighteen, he still looked forward to making piles of fallen leaves to jump in. The past few years, Hajime, Matsun, or Maki ended up shoving him into the pile while he was still trying to make it perfect. He couldn’t do that this year. 

The hospital room was just as boring and sterile as he remembered, though he now had a better view of outside, which was a double edged sword. The television was nicer and had more channels, and he was closer to the teen lounge that he was most definitely going to check out this time. He’d heard they had a library, and he was always up for new books. The walls were a more cheerful shade of blue trimmed with beige, and the blankets were softer. 

Chemo round two. 

He was nervous. Round one had made him feel so awful, he could barely stand it. All he had to look forward to was puking his guts out until he saw blood, and sleeping his life away. He was worried that this time he’d feel worse since now he hadn’t been as healthy and fit as he had been the first round. His immune system was still working well enough, but being in treatment was going to punch a hole into the already shambled wall. 

His fingers drummed against his knee as he waited for his labwork to come back to see if his blood counts were good enough to start. Part of him hoped that he was too sick to be treated, but he knew he wasn’t. He felt fine. 

The clock on the wall counted down his wait time in an almost deafening manner. Each tick echoed in his head. Hajime had left to get something to eat. 

A knock on the door twisted his stomach into knots. Poison time. He chewed his lip and stared at his lap, not even able to pretend to be okay. 

“Hello, hello!” A cheerful voice rang through the room. 

His nurse he’d had for his first round was back. Her hair was shorter now, pushed back with a headband to keep her hair out of her face. Her eyes were made up in eyeliner and mascara making the warm brown stand out even more. The scrub top she was wearing today was Hello Kitty. It made him smile. 

“How has my favorite patient been? Look at you! You look so good! I really like what you’ve done with your hair. It’s beautiful.” She offered a warm smile. 

“Thank you! My boyfriend did it for me. He really should be a stylist.” A smile forced its way onto his face, a bit of ease settling over him. 

“I think you’re right!” 

She set a few packages of green nubs he recognized as what she used to sterilize his ports. His face fell, and stomach twisted. So this was it. Round two, day one. He tugged at his sleeves unconsciously. 

“So mister, you have won the jackpot today. Your blood count was the best all day!” She pulled on a pair of gloves. Tooru pulled the line out of his shirt, allowing her access to put the caps on. 

One day closer. Just six more to go. Then only one more round. Remission! One day closer. One day.

Tooru tried desperately to keep his thoughts positive. It was easy for one’s mind to go to the darkest of places during these situations, and he needed to claw his way up from the depths. Nothing good came from thinking negatively. Complaining changed nothing, and feeling sorry for yourself would only hurt yourself. He needed to be positive, to think positive. Hadn’t he spent that last six years of his life building himself back up, training his mind to drown out the negative voices. Sure, there were times where the negative voices were louder, but he wasn’t going down without a fight. 

He watched her set out the lines and chemo. It really was an art how she did it. With all the lines and tubing, it looked like such a confusing mess, but here she was making it look like it was nothing. She really was impressive, all of them were. 

“So tell me, Tooru-kun, what did you do with your freedom? Tell me all the juicy gossip. I tell you, I have been bored to tears without our talks.” She glanced up from what she was doing, her eyes crinkling into the smile hidden by her mask. 

Tooru bit his cheeks for a moment before replying. “I got to go running. I’d missed it a lot. I got to see the team, and lead practice a few times. I got to set! That was really my highlight. They all shaved their hair for me!”

“Always a trendsetter, huh?” She laughed to herself. “I didn’t mean that as a pun.” 

Tooru joined in with her, and their laughter filled the room. It was like meeting an old friend. 

“I’m sorry. I am so happy to hear that you have such a wonderful team, and friends. I knew they liked you. So...what else?” 

“Well I spent a lot of time with my older sister. Both of my siblings are a lot older than me, so we don’t always get to hangout and stuff. I haven’t really talked to Keishi much lately which is so weird because we are usually in constant contact, and he does call and text me, but I don’t really feel like engaging because he always brings up my symptoms and treatment. I don’t want to hear that. I know he’s an oncologist and he’s my brother so he wants to take care of me, but I just want him to be my brother?” Tooru sighed.

“Have you tried telling him that?”

“No…” 

“Then try. People aren’t mind readers.” 

He nodded, frowning at the ground. Everyone told him that, and he was just too stubborn to remind himself of that. How many times over the years had Hajime told him that exact same thing? It just started coming naturally to him after being told not to express his feeling his whole life. 

“Nami made a lot of food trying to find something I could eat. She lived in Paris for six years, and she got to learn how to cook there in like a chef school, so she cooks the best food. We watched a lot of movies and documentaries. My friends came over and we had a lot of fun. A lot of cuddling. I got to go to school.” 

“Is that so? How was it? School?”

She hooked up one of the first pre-chemo meds to his port while they talked. Tooru’s eyes scanned over the medications on the table she was using to set everything up. Six syringes of medications labeled with their contents on his patient labels. Two antiemetics to keep him from being nauseous and throwing up (not like they actually helped), steroids, Benadryl, fentanyl for pain, and a sedative. They were all his friends, making the chemo a little more tolerable. Laid out, it was unnerving. 

“I don’t think I want to go back,” Tooru admitted. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. Everyone was nice to me, but it wasn’t genuine nice. People I’ve never talked to in my life were talking to me. I hate pity. I hate being the cancer kid. The attention is unnerving.” Tooru shuddered.

“That’s tough. High school is awful enough before throwing in cancer.” 

“I used to like it. I lived on the attention at school, the looks of admiration, the complements in the halls, the fawning girls. It was a high. I felt important, like I was somebody. The girls were the same though, sweet as ever. My friends thought they just thought I was hot, and I thought the same thing, but I was okay with that. But I learned that’s not true. They were the only ones besides my friends and the team that didn’t treat me any different.” 

A tear fell down his cheek. He brushed it away quickly, begging she hadn’t seen it. It was stupid to cry over something that insignificant. People treating him differently was irrelevant to his situation. There were more pertinent things he was having to deal with like chemo and leukemia. In the long run, none of this would matter. He knew that. But he was only eighteen, and high school did come with its challenges. Image was everything, and Aoba Josai was a private school which made appearances even more of a big deal. 

“I can’t think anymore,” Tooru whispered.

“What?” She stared at him. 

“I was in class and I thought I just tired and couldn’t focus, but I couldn't figure out the problems on the homework. My friend Makki needed help with his homework and I just...it was like I couldn’t read anymore. Nothing made sense. It was terrifying.”

“Chemo brain…” She shook her head. “Chemo makes the brain foggy. It’s temporary, but while you’re in treatment, it’s going to be a common thing. If it gets too bad, the doctor can prescribe you something.”

Great. Just another symptom to add to the list of what to look forward to. Everything was so draining, but it was all temporary. He had gotten through round one, he could get through round two, and then round three. He could do this. Leukemia could fuck off. It wasn’t invited into his party, into his last year of high school, into his life plans. He would be damned if he let it win. 

He was quiet now as he watched the bag with the biohazard symbol and the huge CHEMOTHERAPY on the bag above the kanjis being hung. He closed his eyes, trying to fill his head with happy thoughts. He felt her connecting him to it, and he fought back the tears, and swallowed the lump rising in his throat. The chirp of the button being pressed, followed by the mechanic sounds of the infusion getting started. He couldn’t feel it going through the line, but he visualized it, every second. It was going straight to his heart via the central veins leading straight to it before fusing through his entire body. 

The bed sank next to him, and a soft warm hand took his. He opened his eyes, finding the nurse sitting next to him, a small wrinkle in her forehead. She was staring hard at the floor, glued to the same spot Tooru had so often stared at. 

“I know what it’s like. It’s terrifying and you don’t have any control over it. Nobody seems to understand just how hard it all is on the body, on your mental state. Sometimes you just want to curl up and never wake up, and there are night you fall asleep wondering if you’ll ever wake up. I’ve done this a long time. I see what kids go through, and it never fails to shock me the amount of kids who go through their treatment and hospitalizations alone.” She met his eyes. “If you need someone to come sit you, just ask me.” 

She patted his hand, forcing a smile through her tearful eyes. 

“You were sick too?” Tooru brushed away a tear that fell down his cheek. She nodded. 

“When I was a little girl, about eight. It’s why I wanted to do this job.” She took a deep breath. “Leukemia is brushed off so often because it’s so common and kids do so well, but they ever take into account what it’s like. A lot of leukemia is very curable, and young kids respond so well. It gets messy with your age group, and your type and I know that’s terrifying.”

“Oh…” 

Tooru thought for a minute. He had never met anyone who’d had cancer before in his life. His brother was an oncologist, but that had always been the closest he’d ever come to cancer until he got sick. It seemed like such a random attack on him, like it was so rare that he was one of the few. He wasn’t a little kid, but he wished he was. Takeru came to mind. 

Hajime walked through the door, interrupting the conversation. “Oh. I can wait outside.” 

“No, no, come in. I was just leaving.” She put her hand on his shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything, okay?” Tooru nodded.

Her words resonated with him. He was lost in them as he nibbled the milk bread Hajime gave him, the sweetness of the bread mixed with the even sweeter custard. He didn’t feel so alone anymore, and his spirits had improved. He had shut everyone out, and let himself stew in self-pity with all the negative thoughts. They were trying to make him believe the worst, but talking to Hajime, and then to the nurse had made him feel better, like a shining light in the dark. Tooru was like a moth toward a flame. 

His post to instagram was him sitting on the bed in his pajamas, milk bread resting on the wrapper in this lap with Hajime behind him, chopsticks dangling noodles into his mouth. Hajime looked ridiculous. Pay back. 

_**OikawaTTTTooru** Round two, day one. It’s been hard lately, I’ve been in my head too much. Things I’ve learned are that friends are the most important people in your life, talking about things that bother you takes the weight away, and milk bread is still the best thing in the entire world. Wish me luck! I’ve got a renewed fight in me. #MilkBreadIsLife #HajimeIsALoser #TeamTooru #Round2_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you! I hoped you guys like it! Please leave a comment! Stay tuned!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave me a comment to let me know how I'm doing! If you like it, subscribe for more! :)
> 
> Also this is my first time writing a fic using Japanese terms but want to try to keep it more authentic? So if you notice a problem, let me know! :)


End file.
